Three things a real man should do in his life. Build a house, plant a tree, give birth to a son

Review of the book by Mag Jay. Important years. Why you shouldn't put off your life until later. M .: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber. 2015

Mag Jay, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and teaching practice at the University of California, Berkeley, who has studied the problems of young people in their twenties and thirties for many years. On the pages of a new book, the author disassembles and analyzes touching stories their students and patients. This book was advised me to read by my daughter (she is 25 years old - the very middle important years). I became interested in the novelty.

Prologue, preface and introduction. The introduction, in my opinion, is a bit long. The majority of young people (the author addresses them) simply cannot overcome this “closed door”: the main idea is repeated many times on thirty-six pages. So the child is stuffed with nasty semolina, convinced that it is useful. In the classroom literary creation my teacher B.T. Evseev (very fashionable modern writer) often repeats: “B modern prose there is an active shift in the interest of the reader from a long and boring novel to a short and capacious story. The shorter the story (of course, a good one), the more freedom for the reader's thoughts. He kind of becomes a co-author of the storyteller. " Time at modern youth not enough to be long science books read, and even with notations. Will not! It's a pity!

Our youth in their 20s and 30s, unlike their American peers, rarely attend psychotherapy sessions. This is not accepted in our country - a different mentality, a different culture and upbringing. Our young people solve this kind of problem alone. Sometimes they consult with friends, less often - with their parents. Some people turn to the book (but it is not easy to find the one you need, and the reader's activity for last years decreased sharply). So they remain unresolved social problems, leading to unemployment, drug addiction, and a bunch of other nasty things.

The format of this book - a conversation with a psychologist - may not please our audience. It would be good to present important thoughts and advice in a shorter and different form, close to our realities. For example, as stories or stories from the life of 20-30-year-olds with comments, say, an adult friend, older sister or brother. I proposed such a topic for discussion in Discourse. Our authors will be happy to share life stories. And together we will help the heroes in difficult situations.

The book consists of three parts, each divided into chapters. I will analyze the first part in more detail.

Part one. Work

Chapter one. Identity capital.

Identity capital is a collection of personal assets, a stock of those individual resources that we accumulate over time. This is our investment in ourselves. Some aspects of identity capital are reflected in our resume - it can be education, work experience ... Others are more personal character- ancestral roots, how we solve problems, how we speak and how we look. Identity capital is how we create ourselves: step by step, step by step. And its most important element is what we bring to the market. adult life... This is the currency for which we, figuratively speaking, “buy” work, relationships and everything that we strive for. A person must continuously replenish that “cherished well” from which he can drink pure life-giving moisture throughout his life. And the decade between twenty and thirty is a period of life when the "well" is filling up very actively. Everything should work for the future: contacts, experience, new knowledge (learn foreign language, learn to swim, dance, paint, see distant countries). In the future, the accumulated money is mainly spent (and is replenished less often).

Sometimes young people, valuing freedom, are content with casual work (albeit uninteresting, boring, but leaving a lot of free time for the so-called fun life - sleep a little longer, meet friends, just enjoy doing nothing, until a real real adult life has come). But real life may not come, but the cruel reality will mercilessly be thrown to the sidelines of life, to numerous losers. And what does this give imaginary freedom? Casual work does not bring much money, self-development slows down (and sometimes a young man completely degrades in an unsuitable company). Discipline is lost, skills are lost. No need to follow appearance spending hours on the Internet with chips and a bottle of beer. Meanwhile, others are actively accumulating their "identity capital", confidently moving forward towards their dreams. They will take best places v future life: become leaders of companies, successful creative individuals... “If, after receiving a university degree, a person’s resume too often has incomprehensible records about work in the field retail or in a cafe, this suggests its degradation. This kind of activity can negatively affect not only the resume, but also the whole life. "

Chapter two. Weak ties. A close social circle with close friends has reverse side... It forms the so-called. strong connections, connecting people with similar interests, life principles... Friends are always ready to help in difficult moment... But no less important and weak ties between people unfamiliar. These can be colleagues or neighbors, old friends with whom you communicate from time to time. “When we share our career ideas or thoughts of love with them, we have to be much clearer. So weak ties activate, and sometimes even force a thoughtful process of development and change. Weak ties resemble a bridge, the end of which is not visible, which means that it is not known where it can lead. "

Thus, expanding our circle of contacts, we open up new opportunities for ourselves both in our careers and in personal relationships.

Other important thought: don't be afraid to make and use useful connections. The author argues that “… making useful connections, using contacts and other similar activities is quite normal. Personally, it never bothered me, but I have friends who are very stressed that their relatives helped them find a job. I am an employee of one of the three best companies in the industry, I only know one person who actually got a job without knowing anyone in the company. All the rest came here by acquaintance. "

For our young, proud and ambitious, a big problem- seek help in finding a job from relatives, unfamiliar influential people... So they sit for hours on HeadHunter, and then the ordeal for dubious companies begins. First - interviews, then - probation(it's often used by scammers and unscrupulous employers) and the result is frustration, wasted energy. And again the job search. Such running around in a vicious circle often leads to a loss of interest in any work and depression. Precious time has been wasted, it is difficult, and sometimes even impossible to make up for. It is important to understand: when you are hired on a recommendation, it does not mean that someone has already done everything for you. You were only helped to get on the first step. And how you show yourself is solely your personal merit. And her colleagues and bosses will appreciate her, not remembering the small service rendered once to influential acquaintances. Well, if you could not prove yourself, then “no connections will help you to make your leg small, your soul big, and your heart fair,” as the king said in the movie Cinderella about the evil scheming stepmother who was kicked out of the kingdom without looking at her "big connections".

“Research shows that in adulthood, the network social contacts narrows as a career and family life make people more busy. That is why, even if we often change jobs, move from place to place, live with by different people and spend a lot of time at parties - this is the most the right time to build useful connections. Weak ties are contacts with people who will help you improve your life right now (and will do so again and again in the years to come), if only you can take the liberty of figuring out what you really want. "

Chapter three. Unconscious known. The author on the example of history young man Iana claims that those who make their career choices early live happier than those who are marking time. Ian (and many of his peers) is in the midst of an ocean of opportunity. All paths are open, but he does not know where to sail. A guy with a university degree works as a waiter in a cafe. In the company of his colleagues, it is not customary to "endure the brain" with arguments about high goals - the day has passed, and okay. And, moreover, it is not customary to take responsibility for anything. “When Ian complained to his parents about his aimless wandering in the ocean of opportunity, he heard another lie. His father and mother said: “You are the best! The whole world is at your feet! " They assured him that he could do whatever he wanted. They didn’t realize that such vague support didn’t benefit their son. Lies only lead away from the right path.

Ian finally realized that continuing to go with the flow was unlikely to achieve his goal (to become a computer artist). He changes jobs, and this decision is not easy for him: it is difficult to admit the mistake of choice and return to the starting point.

Chapter four. Everything should look pretty on Facebook.

“- I graduated from college almost two years ago. For nearly fifteen years I harassed myself with the pursuit of excellence and thought that new life which will begin after graduation, will allow me to get rid of these torments. Unfortunately, the endless parties and the opportunity to do whatever I want were not as fabulous as I expected, ”Talia shares with the author. - After a few months of living in San Francisco, I began to experience loneliness and depression. Most of my friends have left for the country. The only close friend we lived with suddenly turned away from me. All day I go through job advertisements in the newspapers and go to gym... I have a feeling that I'm about to break. I can not sleep. I cry all the time. My mother thinks that I need to be treated. "

Oddly enough, the reason for such torment for the girl was Facebook, where Talia's peers post photos and stories about their successes in their careers and personal lives.

The desire to meet high standards and to be "no worse than others" turns life into a nightmare, leads to depression and loss of direction. There is a fierce rivalry between the participants in social networks.

“Most young people in their twenties are smart enough not to compare their lives with what they see on celebrity microblogs. However, they still perceive Facebook images and posts as real. They don't realize that most people are just hiding their problems. Such self-deception leads users to social networks constantly compare your social status with some higher standards. As a result, their not-so-perfect life looks like a failed one against the background of that wonderful life, which the rest supposedly live. "

Chapter five. Life to order. To understand your desires, compare them with the possibilities and, as a result, create your own life scenario - this is the task that must be solved by 20-30-year-olds.

The hero of this chapter has assembled a bicycle for himself and is proud of the result of his work. He tells with enthusiasm how a unique, one-of-a-kind unit was made from standard assemblies and parts. Individual house project, custom-made wardrobe, personal computer ... Modern man tries to get away from standards and patterns, making life convenient and comfortable, fully meeting his interests. The same thing happens with life.

Career? The one that can combine talents, interests, the opportunity to realize oneself. And at the same time it will bring financial well-being, sufficient to ensure a decent life for yourself and your future children, and will not make you grieve from paycheck to paycheck.

To do this, you need to work hard on the script. own life and not to postpone this important task until later. And, what is more important and difficult, calmly, step by step, move along the chosen path.

"Choose a career or get Good work- this is not the end, but only the beginning. And then there is still a lot to learn and do. "

Part two. Love

"Most important decision, which each of us accepts - with whom we marry. However, there are no life partner courses. ”

In our time, young people are in no hurry to get married. They enjoy freedom, have fun with friends and beloved ones and do not want to commit themselves, sometimes perceiving cohabitation as a test for the prospects of marriage, as a test for an adult. life together... However, statistics claim that couples who lived together before marriage are later less happy and the divorce rate among them is much higher. Sociologists call this phenomenon the "cohabitation effect." Going from dating to nights together and then to permanent residence may turn out to be "sliding down a dangerous slope." On this path, there is no discussion of a common future, and, as a result, there is no responsibility for each other. The requirements for a roommate are much lower than for a spouse. As a rule, the partner's shortcomings are not noticed until marriage. And if such a relationship ends in marriage, then it is difficult to overcome the barrier between the carelessness of life together before and the huge responsibility after its conclusion.

20-30 years - it's time to think about choosing a partner and not be content with little, wasting time on nothing meaningful relationship... You should not wait thirty years to become more demanding in your choice. You need to be selective when you are young.

All future life- health, leisure, work, money, raising children, retirement and even death - depends on this choice. V recent decades increased average age marriage. However, late marriage does not guarantee the strength of the union. Adults have well-established habits and developed qualities. It is more difficult for them to adapt to each other. And connections without commitment are sometimes destructive, forming bad habits and destroying faith in true love.

“A lot can change around us, but we start and end our life with our family” (the author quotes the writer Anthony Brandt). A happy family gives a person a sense of confidence, security, stability. It is easier to cope with difficulties together.

Part three. Mind and body

The final part of the book provides data on medical and psychological research, indicating that the human brain continues to form at the age of 20-30. And these are new opportunities for self-development and learning. At this age, it is easy to manage circumstances and change yourself.

This is such a necessary and timely book that made me think about a lot. I have read many pages several times and, undoubtedly, will be among the first buyers of the publication - such a book should be kept as a guide for in-depth study. And just as an experienced one good friend, to which at any time you can turn for help and get useful advice... After all, the problems of the young in different countries very similar.

Everyone knows this proverb that a real man must build a house, plant a tree, raise a son. But will everyone agree with this sequence? I know that many peoples view this kind of business plan differently.

For example, the Hungarians. There was such a film with the participation of Igor Kostolevsky in starring- "Vacation at your own expense". So there the Hungarian Laszlo (Miklos Kalochai), seeking the girl's love, "plants" a tree in front of her house. That is, the sequence of actions has been changed. First - a tree, then - life. In China (in Hainan) I was told about the custom of planting a palm tree at the birth of a child (moreover, if a boy is a tall, coconut tree, and at the birth of a girl, a smaller date tree). In India, there seems to be no such custom. There, and so, palm trees grow by themselves, like children. And the houses are being built there, it seems, after the children are born, judging by the size of the population. But they are still being built ...

The Jews have such a holiday - New Year trees, or Tu Bishvat *. Day of planting new plantings. So in Eretz Yisrael, children learn to think about the Tree of Life from an early age, participating in this holiday. They say there was a tradition to plant trees in honor of children born in the year before the holiday. In honor of the boy who was born, a cedar was planted, in honor of the girl, a cypress. The cedar is a symbol of height and righteousness, while the cypress symbolizes beauty and fragrance. When the time came for the grown children to marry, they used the branches of their trees for the wedding chuppah (a kind of prototype of the future home). Nowadays, this holiday is celebrated as the Day of Environmental Consciousness.

American psychologists also thought about what leads the union of a man and a woman to happiness, which meant happy marriage, long and healthy life, sound sleep, great sex. And ... they prescribed a recipe for all couples who want to achieve this. Nothing poisonous or complicated: partners just have to tell each other good news before bed.

02/10/2017

Reviews

Sveta, all this is informative and interesting. But here is a verse about how I, after my hacienda burned down in January 2011, in March, I began to remodel the greenhouse I had built into a hut:

Do you remember the yard dog,
Did we build a hut?
It was a harsh spring
Northern March - No joke!

In the morning, guys on foreign cars,
Signaling - it's time to work!
The dog barked at them in the park,
We have our own worries!

There is a hut, taiga by the fence,
Clever dog and lazy cat ...
We will plant our garden soon
And wood lice will score potatoes ...

The daily audience of the Proza.ru portal is about 100 thousand visitors, who in total view more than half a million pages according to the traffic counter, which is located to the right of this text. Each column contains two numbers: the number of views and the number of visitors.

So, 3 things a real man should do. Previously, the man had to build a house. What is meant by this? In fact, the house was then an opportunity to protect yourself from the cold and attacks of enemies. After all, a castle can also be called a home, fortified and protected from all external enemies. Indeed, strong and good house earlier, it was very appreciated, because the more reliable the house was, the more the person got the opportunity to protect himself from various weather disasters and protect himself from ill-wishers. In addition, not every person could afford to build a real dwelling, and not a hut, which would fall apart from a light breeze. That is why men have always tried to build real home to get a good bride. Indeed, at all times, parents tried to marry their daughter to the most reliable young man. And a solid house was the first proof of its reliability. This meant that the man was able to independently accumulate funds and build his own dwelling with his own hands, which also proved his physical strength.

What does a strong and large mansion in modern world... Well, probably, that the man has the financial ability to acquire it or hire workers for construction. Now, few people will build a house with their own hands. And, if this happens, then this, most likely, means that the person does not have enough funds to pay a professional team of builders. Building a house with his own hand will take more than one year and therefore, in the modern world, a man should rather not build a house, but acquire a presentable home. It doesn't have to be a cottage or a mansion. Also, a beautiful spacious apartment in a good area of ​​the city can serve as a "home". Probably, the concept of a house, in fact, has not changed much since the past. The bride's parents are still concerned about the living space of the future son-in-law. Only now they are not worried about the raids of barbarians and cold winters, but the prospects of living in the same apartment with the young, which, of course, they do not want at all, or the possibility of renting an apartment that will not be so cheap, which will affect the future family budget of their daughter ... So, we can conclude that the first thing a modern man should do is to get a living space. And let it be a gift, an inheritance or an honestly earned apartment, the main thing is that the guy has a place to live with his future wife.

The second is to plant a tree. What was once meant by this? The tree is, first of all, give birth. And if there is a harvest, then the family will not starve in winter. Then, by planting a tree, they meant that a young man has his own land, on which he can and knows how to grow bread, vegetables and fruits. It is no secret that agriculture was previously one of the main professions. If a man was a good farmer, he had food in the house, and moreover, many products were sold. For the money, the guy had the opportunity to buy clothes, household utensils and firewood for the winter, so as not to freeze in a cold house.

Then it turns out that for the modern man, planting a tree means getting a good job. Now, when you can buy almost everything, the main currency has become not bread, but money. Yes and requests modern people an order of magnitude higher than that of their ancestors. Therefore, in order to live well in the modern world, it is necessary to have enough funds, which, as you know, bring a promising high-paying job. That is why modern guys should not just learn how to work their land well. They need to have high intelligence and get in the university a good education with which you can find suitable job... Also, in order to have high earnings. You need to be ambitious and courageous, to be able to find non-standard solutions and never give up. So, to some extent, it is more difficult for modern men to follow the second rule.

And the third is to raise a son. This is probably the only thing that will never change. Every person wants to continue his race, to see in his children best qualities that he pawned for them from infancy. Of course, times are changing, and the methods of upbringing are also becoming somewhat different, but, nevertheless, one thing remains at the core - to raise a worthy member of society from your child. This is what every real man is trying to do. He will never leave his offspring and will not try to evade obligations. A real man and real father will raise his child and will never say that he simply does not have time. Such men always managed to build houses and grow trees, but, at the same time, their children were never left without male upbringing. The upbringing of such men is strict and fair, and they undoubtedly love their children very much. For the sake of the child, such guys build the warmest and most comfortable house and raise the most tall tree... They do everything they can and even try to accomplish the impossible.

So, 3 things that a real man should do in the modern world is to get a good living space, have a well-paid job and do everything so that his children do not need love, care and proper upbringing. If a man is able to achieve this, he will be able to fully realize himself in life. But, in fact, these three rules are not so easy to follow. It takes a lot of effort. Therefore, it is not surprising that not all men achieve such results, and, consequently, self-realization. But, if your boyfriend has a good house or apartment, a job that brings him not only a high income, but also joy, and, in addition, he loves children very much and is ready to invest his whole soul and all finances in them, then there is really a real one nearby. a man who deserves you.

An ancient wisdom says: "A person in his life must do three things: plant a tree, build a house and raise a son." This phrase was attributed to and eastern peoples, and Caucasian, and even a specific person, for example, Omar Khayyam. And they pronounce it differently: "a real man must ...", "... raise a child (not a son)."

You can argue for a long time what is hidden behind this phrase: "Home" is general concept family, family hearth. "Son" or "child" - it was important in ancient times: then there were many wars, and the son is the future defender. And only about the tree there is no doubt, everything is simple and unambiguous - a person (even a man, even a woman) should plant a tree.

If this thought has passed through the centuries, it means that the truth is reflected in it. Why did people want to pass on to generations that everyone should plant a tree?

We cut down a lot of trees, build houses from them, burn them in furnaces, and now we make paper too ... And how much do we plant?

"Trees are the lungs of our planet." This phrase is not so ancient, but it also reflects the truth. Nothing can replace the cleansing effect that the leaves of the trees produce.

Our cities are more and more like gray concrete boxes, among which thousands of cars smoke.

What are we willing to do to correct this situation? How many trees does one family need to provide themselves with clean air?

Try planting a tree. At least one ...

The gardener will immediately think to himself: "I have planted more than one tree: apple, cherry, pear, plum ...". Honor and praise to you! But why only fruit trees? Unfortunately, their age is short. In addition, all this is in the territory of your garden. And in the city there are so many abandoned corners and naked playgrounds, where there is nowhere to hide from the dust and the sun.

TREE AS ​​MEMORY ...

In ancient times, everything that is important was clothed in a symbolic form, giving it some special meaning.

It was important to inspire people to plant trees, and to come up with the concept of "family tree". It was a symbol of the fortress of the family clan, a symbol of long family happiness.

Such a tree was planted the same year it was built. new house, and the house was built when it was created new family: Then children were born ... And after years the children said: this oak (cedar, maple) was planted by my father or grandfather. Such a tree is a kind of monument (from the word memory) - the memory of your life.

By the way, the tree became the property of the entire village, because they planted it in front of the house - behind the fence.

Each man considered himself the ancestor (or successor) of his kind. It was important that the family tree did not die or a new tree grew instead of the old one, that is, the family line was not interrupted. Hence it went that every MAN should plant a tree.

WHAT TREE TO PLANT?

Your own garden with fruit trees is, of course, good. But fruit crops have one significant "drawback". In autumn, so many fruits ripen that they urgently need to be processed. If this is not a problem for you, plant it on your health.

And if you are busy at work and want to relax in the garden, then no one bothers to plant maple, linden, chestnut, oak and other trees. They are more durable than apple trees and do not burden you with the hassle of harvesting. Who said that you MUST grow only fruit trees in the garden?

MAPLE. Grows tall and powerful. An adult maple takes up a lot of area on six acres. But how handsome he is! In autumn, the leaves are painted with all colors in yellow-orange tones. In summer, carved leaves create a cozy tent, under which it is pleasant to drink tea or take a nap in a hammock. But in practice, it rarely happens that maples are planted in the garden - it is not supposed to!

I have a friend who defended the right to have a huge maple on the site. At a meeting of gardeners, the question was raised that this allegedly contradicts the Charter of gardening.

But the maple does not bother anyone, all the shadow from it falls only on the territory of their site. And the whole big family gathers under this tree on weekends ...

By the way, now it is possible to plant not an ordinary maple, but pseudosibolds. Its leaves are the same bright, and more graceful in shape.

LINDEN. Another example of a "custom" garden plant. One day I came to the garden, where the entire front garden was in the shade of a huge linden tree. How old she was - no one knew.

I asked: "Why such a huge tree, which obscures the sun and interferes with growing beautiful flowers?" Without explaining anything, I was invited to visit a week later. Then everything became clear to me. The air was saturated with linden scent - honey, sweet, magical! Yes, the owner of the house made a wise decision when he planted this beautiful linden tree. And again, it grows behind a fence. This is the property of the entire street, which is filled with this scent every summer.

CHESTNUT - it seems, not our tree, southern. But in Central Russia, the horse chestnut has taken root perfectly. It blooms with "candles" of white beautiful flowers and has large finger-like leaves. Blossoming is expected every year, as it is a delightful sight! And in the fall, the crown glows with golden foliage.

Once upon a time such a chestnut was planted little boy not far from our house - I just buried a nut found in the park. Now this chestnut has grown to the fifth floor, and the boy is already an adult man, working as a doctor. His son is proud that his dad is a doctor, and also that he planted a chestnut.

CEDAR. They say this is a "tree for grandchildren". They mean that it bears fruit late, you will wait for nuts when there are already grandchildren.

In our time, this is not entirely true. Varieties with a faster fruiting period have been created. But we agreed that fruit is not the main thing for us. We are planting a "family tree". The cedar is just that. I also have a special story about him.

Once upon a time, when I was still studying at the university, our friends decided to plant a cedar - from a nut. I asked: "When will he grow up? life will pass!"

And so, many years later, we came to them in the garden. A handsome cedar tree grows in front of the house! The crown is lush, above the roof. And life has not yet passed ... My son is 23 years old, about the same age and cedar.

SPRUCE. Previously, the spruce was not planted as a family tree, believing that it brings misfortune. This was due to the fact that in ancient times a deceased person was covered with juniper branches (they have a strong bactericidal effect). If there was no juniper nearby, spruce branches were taken.

Under Peter the Great, the spruce became a Christmas tree, and then a New Year's. Now the Christmas tree in front of the house is both desirable and beautiful. All year round, she adorns the space with her lush green needles.

ROWAN. There is no need to talk about her. Loved by everyone and even sung in many songs and poems. Rowan is decorative all year round... This is rarely the case for deciduous trees, as they are bare in winter. And the rowan is all in red bunches. Under the snow, they are a miracle, how good!

And in the spring it is a lush bloom. In summer, openwork foliage. And starting from August again there are ruby ​​clusters, under the weight of which the branches bend. Well, how can you not love her!

April and early May are tree planting times. Have you decided which ones you will plant?

E. Demchuk, designer