Ticket for humorous stories for children. Funny short stories

08.04.2019

A new image in an old way Everything was just quiet in her

The Problem of Heroism: Arguments from Literature

Circus in line

A man speaks in front of a huge line in the store: he will dance a gypsy, then read poetry, then show jokes in faces. The people applauded the "people's" artist without ceasing. Some people began to throw money at his feet. In short, the success with the public is tremendous!
Here, with a basket loaded to the eyeballs with groceries, an enormous red-faced aunt rolls up to the peasant and starts screaming all over the room:
- Aha, there you are, you moron! And I glimpse him - I glimpse how much in vain around, and he arranged a circus here! Disgraces me to the whole world! I told you what to do, huh?
- The queue to take ...
- Well, I ... them ... which are in line ... and I borrow what I can ...

The city guy will never be the first in the village

Having lived for many years in an ordinary village in the Russian outback, the husband considers himself a real rural guy. However, his beloved wife loves to make fun of his former urban habits.
Once, right in front of the guests, she said:
- Yes, when you were born, you did not know what a cow looks like until you met me! ...

And then he said - "Amen!"

The investigator of the district prosecutor's office, interrogating five repeat offenders - robbers who were taken to the hospital with injuries of varying severity, was surprised by what he saw.

Who did it to you, citizens robbers?
- You will not believe the chief, they wanted a priest, well, a priest, to take a gop-stop.
- Well?
- So much for you! We watched him, which means ...
- Well?
- Yes, what are you, everything is well, well, well!
- Well?
- Well, they pressed him in the alley.
- Well?
- Ugh, you are the prosecutor's wolf!
- But but but.
- In short, I say, they say, throw off the gold cross, saint.
- Well?
- Wildebeest! He answers, tovo, he does not speak peace, he says, I brought you, but a sword ...
- And what's next?
- Then he said - "Amen!"
- Well?
- So much for you! After that "Amen" nobody remembers shit!
- Well well...

SOS system administrator

Office, morning ... Everyone pretends to work, but in fact they climb on all sorts of "classmates" and other sites. All of a sudden, everyone's internet is cut off. We went to the admins - there is no boss ... We began to look for the administrator Andrey, who can fix the Internet.
After a short search, they found it. It turned out that Andrei accidentally locked himself in the server room and could not get out. And he turned off the Internet so that they began to look for him ...

Russians can

I recently bought an inflatable bed.
The instructions in a dozen languages say: "Do not use when bathing !!!".
And only in Russian: "When swimming, hold on to the side straps."

About the tower cellular communication…

In one rather bustling village, a cell tower was built in order to introduce the shoots of civilization into this godforsaken corner.
A month later, the population submitted collective complaint with several hundred signatures that all of them began to experience headaches, deterioration of health, depression and all that ...
The director's answer was laconic: “We sympathize with your illnesses. But get ready for the worst - in a week we will turn on the connection ... "

Decoy as a means of salvation

GIMS (State Inspection of Small Vessels) is a water analogue of traffic cops, they just broke off the chain last Saturday-Sunday, apparently they also need to prepare the kids for school. They checked everyone who was on the river, fined for the slightest non-compliance with the established requirements. They began to check the boat, and, as luck would have it, the man had everything - first aid kit, documents, repair equipment, license plate, life jacket ...
And then it dawned on the Gimso member: "Is there a whistle ?!" (the life jacket is equipped with a whistle according to the rules). The man freezes, the inspectors brighten with joy. And suddenly...
- There is! There is a whistle !!!
The fisherman was, apparently, also a hunter - he takes out a decoy from the belongings in the boat, which quacks at the duck ...
In response to the objections of the Gimsovites, the man cut off that the tone of the whistle was not specified in the rules. He could even carry a flute with him ...

Discount for veterans of the Battle of Kulikovo

I have a small scar on my face after a big accident. As for the majority of women, this is more cause for grief than for serious injuries. But sometimes this defect also gives advantages.
I looked after a new bedroom, arrived already with my daughter and son-in-law, and I'm taking on a saleswoman. Just kidding, they say how about discounts - after all, a pensioner, a participant in the Battle of Kulikovo. She approaches the director and asks him to give the customer a discount as a participant in the Battle of Kulikovo.
The director, with a very serious expression on his face and without any hint of humor, replies:
- With all due respect to your merits, I cannot drop more than three percent.
My daughter and I look at each other dumbfounded and feel that now we will burst into laughter right in the face. But they will not understand. We leave the store and ask my son-in-law what this perestroika generation was taught in Ukraine. He is already in defense of the Motherland:
- You would, mom, in Russia, too, with your humor, you have the opportunity to run into the same enlightened ones.
Positions better education long ago surrendered without a fight.

Penetration depth

Yesenin, of course, is good. But…

My parents went to construction brigades in their youth. And so, in Vladivostok, they happened to talk to a saleswoman in a bookstore. By the way, in our city with books it was tense at that time. So, they are standing as a bunch of students, looking at, admiring ... And then they see a volume of Yesenin. Further dialogue:
Dad: Wow! Do you and Yesenin have ?!
Saleswoman: Of course! Are you interested? I love him too! Although, of course, I was disappointed already ...
Dad: What is it? (Of course, all ears pricked up, an interesting dispute is planned!)
Saleswoman: He hasn't written anything new for 20 years!

Pepper tasting

Yesterday I was at the market, Dad sent for the capsicum. I go up to the granny and ask:
- Bitter pepper?
- Son, bitter, take it!

I'm asking here:
- Can you try?
- Oh sure!
I bite off a small piece ... I almost got steam from my ears, my brain exploded with such bitterness! Well, here I think, let me be funny, I will say that it is not bitter. I throw it back, without giving a look, I make a dull face, I say that it is not bitter. Granny without thinking for a long time:
- But how can it be, I tried it myself! - and bites off half and begins to chew ...

Looking at her face, I give my legs ... I turned around - a stool with screams flies behind me!

Horns from the Caucasus

The story happened to me. We live in the Caucasus. A relative comes to us, and my husband and I decided to give him a gift. We went to the souvenir shop, chose the horns, and asked the girl to pack them, while they themselves left for another department. We hear the seller shouting to the whole store: "Whose horns?". My husband rushes to the counter and shouts: "Mine!"

Everyone laughed for a very long time.

Scarce cowards

I was told this story by my grandmother, who worked in a canteen during the heyday of stagnation, when one of the most popular words was "scarcity". Once, during a break, when the staff of the canteen had a friendly dinner and had a peaceful, well-fed conversation, an attractive middle-aged man entered the hall and invited everyone to buy a "very scarce commodity" - knitted panties. Womens and childrens, plain and floral. The people, naturally, rushed to buy. We grabbed everything (not for ourselves, so for a neighbor), and the trade was over in a matter of minutes.

Grandmother (then still a very lively pretty aunt) was washing dishes at this time and did not suspect about the sale. When a panting waitress flew into the kitchen and blurted out "Run quickly into the hall, the man brought panties there," she threw off her apron, grabbed the money and asked: "What kind of man?" "Tall, in a coat," the waitress gasped and happily began to consider the purchases.

The break was over by that time, and two visitors entered the hall. The first was a tall man in a gray coat. Grandmother quickly ran up to him, looked back at the second and (not in front of people to watch!) Whispered loudly: "Follow me." The man, of course, was surprised, but obediently followed the pretty woman into the utility room. In the middle of the corridor, the grandmother turned to him and said:

So show!

What to show? - the man was confused.

Like what? Panties, of course! And whatever you have there ...

The dialogue was conducted opposite the door of the manager, who had safely managed to shop, and therefore quickly entered the situation. Looking into the face of an absolutely stunned visitor, she began to crawl under the table with laughter ... The grandmother, caught between the indistinct hum of the "salesman" and the barely restrained "sobs" of the manager, finally understood what had happened and began to laugh like a madman.

Poor visitor! He, apparently, had completely lost his appetite and he quietly, along the wall, retreated from the dining room. He was never seen there again ...

When the German Shepherd becomes a thugs' thunderstorm

My father told a case from practice when he worked as a district police officer. They went to the detention of especially dangerous people, took a lot of people with them. They even took one dog handler with Jack the Shepherd. The doorbell rings, they are opened to the standard "Downstairs Neighbors".
The dog, apparently, felt the beginning of the thriller and rushed ahead of all the participants in the operation. Only the obese district police officer Zhenya from the neighboring district was blocking her way. A hefty dog crawled between his legs and rushed into the apartment. However, Zhenya, out of surprise, sat down on Jack's back. So they entered the den. District policeman Zhenya, waving his service weapon and issuing heart-rending obscene wills, astride the fearless Jack.
Dad says that he had never seen especially dangerous people cry before. Even handcuffs were not useful.

How to scare traffic cops

I drove home yesterday by car. On the way I bought two bottles of Pinocchio lemonade in glass. I left the store, got into the car, drink a cold drink, rip off the label from the bottles out of boredom. Slowly I start to get under way, but I do not have time to drive even 30 meters, as two traffic cops slow me down ... You should have seen how their eyes were burning when they saw a glass bottle with a "beer" in my hand. They stop me, rush at a run, there is obvious joy on their faces. They say that drinking alcohol while driving is punishable huge fine, This and that...
I tell them that this is not beer at all, but lemonade. One of the traffic cops takes an open bottle and takes a sip. While he tastes the drink, the second traffic cop selects the bottle and also takes a sip ...
The devil pulled me to joke: "I can't have beer - I have tuberculosis" ... You should have seen the expression on their faces!

History is written with a quill pen

I studied at the Krasnodar Military Institute. We had a battalion commander, Colonel Liposky. In the fifth year, we wrote a diploma and, under the guise of writing one, went AWOL from morning until evening, supposedly to the library. A.S. Pushkin (central library in Krasnodar) for the development of material. After 2 - 3 months, our gallant battalion commander realized that there was something wrong here. He built us up, carried out educational work in this regard, that unauthorized absences are bad, etc., etc. And finally he uttered a phrase that the entire personnel of our brave 1st company "digested" for five minutes (I memorized literally):
- I'll show you the library named after Felix Edmundovich Pushkin !!! Go to the restaurant "Rybachka Sonya", buy a goose there, pluck a feather out of it ... and write fairy tales about the Bakhchisarai fountain !!!
The pause was 5 minutes ...

Instructions

Remember that one of the main criteria for success in helping you come up with jokes and write funny stories, is the presence of a person's sense of humor. Psychologists have long proven that an excellent sense of humor and erudition, as well as mental capacity are directly proportional. In other words, the smarter a person is, the funnier their jokes can be. But this does not mean at all that all professors and candidates of science are natural-born humorists. It is very important that the jokes you come up with elicit laughter from the public, and not just from their direct author.

To write funny story, come up with or remember a funny story from life and, most importantly, manage to present it "tasty". For this purpose, humor writers use a whole set of expressive means helping to achieve the desired effect. In the first place among these means is hyperbole - the exaggeration of a situation, character trait or property. If hyperbole is used skillfully in a story, it creates a stunning comic effect.

Also use, if appropriate and possible, the method of litota, which is the reverse of hyperbole, that is, this is a deliberate understatement of some properties, features, etc.

Add a literal interpretation to the list of tools that can be used when writing a humorous story, catch phrases and other words with figurative meaning, unexpected comparison, listing as homogeneous irrelevant objects, the use in a specific context of words with a figurative and direct meaning, and so on.

To maintain the intrigue of the reader until the end of the story, use such a technique as an unexpected ending. Do not forget also about using various absurdities in the behavior of your heroes. Endow their characters or appearance with comical features, place them in non-standard situations, call unusual names and give them “speaking” names.

Helpful advice

In fact, there are many different techniques and ways of writing funny stories, it all depends on the imagination of the author. And, of course, from his extraordinary sense of humor.

Sources:

come up with a funny story

Review- artistic and journalistic genre of literature, in which it gives a critical and analytical analysis of another work. The purpose of its writing may be to familiarize future readers with the plot and idea of the work, or to develop analytical thinking in the author.

Instructions

Outline the plot by dividing story into conventional parts (exposition, setting, development, culmination, finale). Indicate which means are used for injection.

Analyze the motives of the behavior of the main and secondary characters. Indicate what mistakes you think they made.

Summarize. Express main idea work that was taken out of the work. Spend the author's historical times and modern times, answer the question: is something like this possible in our time? How will it differ and how will it be similar?

Related Videos

The short story genre is work of fiction small volume, which is characterized by the rapid development of the action and a limited number of characters. It is much more difficult to work on such a work than on great essay, because in a short story, not only every detail of the plot is important, but also the form of the narration.

Read modern funny short stories... Short texts humorous stories modern writers and female writers :). A cool story about a mysterious Russian soul, and other stories. Satire, irony and humor in short stories Russian authors

Elena EVSTIGNEEVA
Year of the Rat

The sun barely appeared over the edge of the great Fuji, and Yami had already finished his manju, waiting for the divine satori to descend on him. A few hours later, Fyodor Koshkin smoked his first Belomorina in the communal toilet and greeted the neighbors who were not sleeping well with a cheerful mother. Yami extended his yellow legs to the silent Yamata, and she dutifully put on new wooden geta for him. In the country rising sun the great day has come for the change of clothes. “My wabi,” Yami thought with tenderness. Fyodor pushed his spouse swollen from the binge and, for the sake of order, lit a powerful fingal with his faithful. The wife continued to sleep, without interrupting the heroic snoring for a second. "Here, curva!" - Fyodor, tormented by the pangs of a hangover, admired his wife. Mitsubishi's working day started early, but Yami came even earlier to do his computer desk new ikebana. Yami was proud to be a humble member of such a powerful corporation. For the tenth year without drying out, Fedor worked at his native plant. He habitually spat the cigarette under his feet and started the milling machine. Yami walked home to walk barefoot through the soothing shadow of a mulberry grove. A vague anxiety was brewing in my soul. A warm wind of change descended from great Fuji. Fyodor stomped home through the cemetery - it was faster and safer that way. The mood was good - today, at last, the salary for February last year was given out with technical alcohol. "Back, my misago!" - joyfully whispered the faithful Yamato with a gentle kazura, clinging to her master. "Where have you been hanging out, dog?" - The wife met Fyodor, gloomy with a hangover. When the pale fugue was finished and the hot sake was finished, tender Yamato danced the dance of love and infinity. The time has come for night contemplation. The Koshkins had already finished their first bottle when Yami, tormented by insomnia, went out into the rock garden. In his hands he held a volume of Dostoevsky. Yami dreamed of learning Russian in order to finally unravel the mysterious Russian soul. In the distant Muhosransk, at the local police station, the Koshkins, who were drunk, slept serenely, embracing each other. communal apartment... In a shabby hare hat with earflaps, the rat Lyalka was running around in a circle. Risking his own life, Fyodor broke through the police cordon and brought out the cage with his pet from the fire. Yami flipped last page... No! No technical progress will help the inhabitants of the Land of the Rising Sun to reach the spiritual heights of the mysterious Slavs, resting in search of intellectual truths! A Japanese cartoon rodent was looking attentively at the fire victims of the Koshkins from the glossy calendar with exaggerated round eyes. The year of the Rat was beginning.

Masterpiece

Irina wearily put her brush aside and admired the result of the work done. The canvas turned out exactly as she conceived it: the heavy crown in emerald waves fell from the gnarled branches of the old tree to the delicate growth that twisted along the hollow trunk. Clean turquoise the emerging morning emphasized its power and maturity of a century-old oak, and a madder spot of blooming asters in the lower left corner competently set off the modest dignity of a century-old tree. This is exactly how she wanted to create in recent times- no conventions, reticence, everything is very specific. The picture should not require any speculation, but only encourage the contemplation of photographically precisely executed details, with which this time she coped just brilliantly. She will call this picture artlessly simply - "Tree". "Take it and carry it, just be careful!" - shouted sleep to the courier who was supposed to deliver last picture to the gallery opening tomorrow. Irina ran to call a familiar art critic to order a review, and the young man, without hesitation, barbarously folded the canvas in half and, rolling it into a tube, went to the indicated address. Irina did not have time for the opening of the exhibition, but she was not worried, knowing that the organizer of the exhibition, a good friend, would not let her down. Only in the evening, having run through the halls with paintings by other authors, Irina stopped at the wall with her canvas, and tears poured from her eyes like a hail. The spoiled picture looked like an indistinct green daub, symmetrically doubled by a careless courier. On the left hung an explanatory text of an art critic, which read: “Formation individual style this artist is best followed by an example last work the author with the symbolic name "Tree". In the lines, repeatedly outlining this or that form, the traditions of Russian constructivism and European futurism are guessed. Creative method this artist was gradually formed along the path of increasing complexity of the composition, displacement of plans and layering of the image, which led to the creation of a multi-faceted composition with a complexly organized, tectonically active interior space, effectively combined with local color accents, repeated many times by the author. The method of doubling creates the effect of mirroring the internal dynamics of space. The surreal, metaphorical image of the tree of life allows connoisseurs of beauty to embark on a search for their own superego, hidden in the soul of each of us. The color complexity of the background promotes the process of cognition of being and evokes associations with a place of absolute harmony, where the tree of knowledge of good and evil provokes further searches for the artist's self-identification. The created style carries a strong energetic principle and is a departure from reality to an atmosphere of timelessness. The desire to loop the time in a complex interweaving of abstract forms leads to the effect of an exploding bomb, which is stunning in its power of influence on the viewer. This is an unconditional masterpiece contemporary art! ". Irina sobbed inconsolably all night, and in the morning of the next day she learned that critics had recognized the painting "Tree" as the best work of the year.

Yin and yang

Stelkina and Abrikosova met, as befits sworn friends: they folded their painted lips into tubes, and, curving them to the side, touched each other's cheekbones several times. On the agenda was Abrikosova's report on her trip to Greece, where she was vacationing with her husband on a last minute ticket. Stelkina had never been abroad and therefore suffered severely from the inability to ignore this information, on the one hand, and at the same time a burning desire to demonstrate complete indifference with all its appearance, on the other. Abrikosova perfectly understood what was going on in her friend's soul, and therefore patiently waited for the first step on her part. Finally, Stelkina could not resist and inadvertently praised her friend, sadly stating the fact:

- And you look pretty good after the rest.

- Come on, you invent, - Abrikosova waved off the praise, looking at her reflection with pleasure in the wavy mirror of the old dressing table. “I’ve lost weight, it’s just awful, you see, all the clothes are falling off. Now you have to update the entire wardrobe. And also this stupid European tan, all so even, golden.

I’ll go to work, but our women will be jealous, they will immediately understand that I didn’t vacation in Muhosransk. I don't even know what to do!

“Don’t worry yourself like that, dearie,” Stelkina consoled her falsely. - This tan is not like ours, near Moscow, you will take a bath a couple of times, and it is not. And that I lost weight, of course, the trouble is more serious - the skin has sagged, and the wrinkles cannot be smeared with any tone, but at your age, the kilograms quickly return, so this is not a disgrace for long.

Abrikosova, who was only six months older than her friend, hastened to translate the topic into a direction that is beneficial to her.

- Well, in general, it's all nonsense. The main thing is that we rested gorgeous, just like the gods! And even for a penny - a ticket is burning. Imagine, the hotel is tiny, just a toy, only six guests, we and the old Germans_

Dandelions of God. So we were extremely lucky with our neighbors, we did not see or hear them.

Stelkina noticeably darkened, but was not going to surrender without a fight.

- Okay, inject, friend, you must have been tricked into something. I heard that there are strong winds at this time, storms, it's not the season yet.

- What are you, what winds? - Abrikosova competently held the blow without losing face. - There was a breeze, of course, such a light breeze from the sea, but in the daytime, when it was hot, he helped out so much, without him we would simply be burned.

- And how were they fed? I know that in Greece food is very heavy for our stomachs, everything is fatty and solid spices, - continued the reconnaissance by Stelkina's fight.

- Well, I don’t know where you are, my dear, you have accumulated such nonsense. We were fed just superbly: fruits, vegetables, salads, all sorts of light, and satisfying, and you won't spoil your figure. My aprikosov sang like Apollo.

- I just don't understand why you went there with Abrikosov, - I didn't want to part with last hope seriously wounded Stelkina to win. - Well, who is going to Tula with his samovar!

- Well, if in Tula, then yes, of course, especially if you don't have a samovar, but a teapot. But Abrikosov and I decided: now to have a rest only in civilized Europe and together. There we constantly communicated with each other, we could not stop talking, we discovered so many new things in ourselves!

This blow with the teapot was, of course, below the belt.

- I can imagine what kind of pandemonium was going on there, since everything went so well, - she threw the last grenade and, unable to hide her disappointment any longer. - What are you talking about, what kind of pandemonium? We did not go to Halki-Diki, like all suckers, we went, but to Sithonia. The places there are simply heavenly, no city bustle for you, wild nature around: rocks, pines, fish, and not a soul, only Abrikosov and I, like Adam and Eve, swam naked. And most importantly, from this my such a powerful potency was formed! - finished off her friend Abrikosov, dreamily rolling her eyes from piquant memories. “Believe me,” she lowered her tone to intimacy, “twice a night! - And, seeing how Stelkina bit her lip with envy in her death throes, she made a control shot: last night so five times in a row!

... At this time, drinking beer in the garage, Abrikosov shared his impressions of the rest with his old friend Stelkin.

- So that I once again went on vacation with this fool - but no way! I told her - not the season! So, no, I rested with a horn - but it's cheap, we'll save some money. So we saved it, damn it! Lived hell knows where, with some kind of fascist pterodactyls. They have twenty hours of afternoon nap a day. For so many days there was no one to say a word to. But my mistress did not shut up at all, she even screamed at me from the toilet!

“The weather was probably good,” the sensitive Stelkin tried to cheer up his friend.

- Yeah, good! It is cold, and the wind blower from morning till night whistled so much that I still have my bangs like a mohawk, I can't put any gel on it.

Stelkin sighed with his friend, expressing complete sympathy and understanding, and immediately threw him another life preserver:

But you look thinner, only one navel remained from the belly.

- You will build, here, when in the hotel there is only grass-ant in a hundred variants. Believe me, I began to hum at night! So my idiot decided that it was me from a passion for her ...

Abrikosov paused, nervously biting his lips from unpleasant memories, and suddenly complained to Stelkin, who had been delicately subdued:

- She fucked me there by full program, twice a day, and on the day of departure, so even three times in a row!

- Yes, cruelly ... - Stelkin sincerely sympathized with his friend. “I don’t know how you survived there these seven days?”

“Ten,” the Aprikosov spread out both fives like a fan, and the faithful Stelkin, as a sign of solidarity with his friend, went to open the second case of beer.

You've read a selection of funny stories modern writer humorist.
Smile, ladies and gentlemen!
......................................................................................

In this section of our website, we have posted a variety of short funny stories. For fans of stories and anecdotes, these cool stories are exactly what you need. It does not take much time, they are charged with humor in full, and most importantly - they cheer up the only way! Funny funny short stories- this is a kind of a kind of anecdote, only they are usually taken from real life, and sometimes it is in such stories that the famously twisted plot or the degree of comicity gives such turns that you laugh without stopping for several minutes.

We hope these short funny stories will not only cheer you up, but also encourage you to write your own funny stories, of which each person will have quite a lot, if the memory is good. In any case, we will be glad to see you on the pages of our site more than once.

I remembered a story from my school childhood... In our class there was a thin, weak amateur astronomer Andrey. Everyone who did not hit it had the honor of offending the calm and harmless "nerd". Once, at a physical education lesson (in the gym we had joint physical education, without division m / f), boys pulled themselves up on the crossbar, and it was Andrei's turn. The first bully of the class ran up from behind to the pulling up "nerd" and pulled off his pants along with his underpants ... complete silence the girls' jaw dropped slowly, the boys received their first complexes ... Nobody offended Andrei anymore.

Like my older brother, I am an avid gamer in the past. Only I have always loved strategies, and he is a rpg. We went roller-skating with him somehow. He rushes ahead and broadcasts something, turning to me. Suddenly I saw - he was going straight into the pit. Very deep. My, then still a child's brain, did not think of anything better than yelling: "Space !!!". You know, he jumped ...

There is the Kuk mineral spring in the Chita region. Naturally, the water from the source is bottled and sold. The name of the water is appropriate - "Cook" ... Late fall... Two o'clock in the morning. Little-visited stall. Sleepy salesman (woman 45 years old). Single shopper (male). The buyer, knocking on the window, waiting for it to be opened, holds out ten rubles and says:
- Kuku!
The seller, not fully awake:
- Ku-Ku ...
The buyer, persistently:
- COOKU !!!
Salesman:
- Cho, at two o'clock in the morning you got tired of it? ..

The ability to sell a product well is also an art. We went with the men in China to just have dinner. Well, as usual, we decided to take one hundred grams. I go up to the bartender:
- Three for a hundred! - And I spread the money.
The bartender silently puts three glasses and an unopened bottle of vodka on the counter.
- I asked for three for a hundred!
The guy's answer first threw me into a state of mild euphoria, and then I realized that knowledge of Russian psychology increases the volume of sales for people like him to the skies. He said:
- It will stay, bring it back.
Well, how could she stay?

Once the management of a large Western company decided to hold an attraction of unprecedented tolerance. Decided to arrange a gay festival from representatives of all offices. The order has come to the Russian office - to send 3 gays. The management thought hard. We called a meeting, started thinking. Have come up with. A decree was issued: heads of three divisions will go to the gay parade, which will show the worst results for the current quarter. The company has never seen such production, sales, marketing, advertising, supply! ..

At work, an employee says that her lover gave her a new gold chain, but how to explain her appearance to her husband, she does not know. Everyone starts to give advice: like, tell me what your friend gave to abuse, bought it herself, gave a bonus at work, etc. One man advises: - Better tell me what you found. My wife, for example, recently found a gold bracelet. The man somehow did not immediately understand why it was all of a sudden everyone giggled ...

Dacha, grandmother and granddaughter are drinking tea. There is jam on the table, to which ants are crawling from different sides. The girl, without thinking twice, crushed one. The grandmother presses on the child's pity:
- Lizonka, what are you, how is it possible ?! The ants are also alive, they are in pain! They have kids! Just imagine: they are sitting at home and waiting for their mother. Mom won't come.
Lisa (pressing another insect with her finger):
- And dad will not come either ...

A friend got to write SMS until one in the morning every day. I wrote a program for smart, which automatically answers all SMS: "Yes, darling", "of course", "very", etc. - in no particular order. In the morning I saw 264 incoming SMS. The last one at 5:45 with the text: "But when will you, bitch, fall asleep ?!"

In the 9th grade (children aged 14-15), the school underwent a routine medical examination, including a gynecologist. For many girls, this was the first time: everyone's knees were trembling. Lady-gynecologist balzac age to save time asks more questions than examines. The question is the same for all 60 girls in the four grades:
- are you sexually active?
- How many years? - with a positive answer
The lady was pretty tired.
The story itself: my girlfriend (P), gathering her will into a fist, comes up to my aunt (T).
(T) - do you live?
(P) -zhiiiiivvuuuu (shaking with fear, forgetting the essence of the question)
(T) surprised - How old?
(P) almost crying - fourteen ...

I have a friend. Works at a computer company, in a warehouse. And through the wall he has neighbors - veterinary pharmacy... The doors are close by, and therefore visitors are often confused. Yesterday he wrote to me in ICQ: “Today a man came, stood the whole queue! I waited until the clients took the printer away, floppy disks, some other garbage ... The dude eventually comes up and asks the question: "My horse is coughing ... What should I do?"

Do you want to live long, love humor and short stories? .. Then do not rush to leave, because the shortest story, according to lovers of black humor, is an epitaph. I tried to transform this not too funny idea into my short humorous stories and funny miniatures with light irony and sarcasm, so read them - they will only prolong your life. If short humor with irony is not to your liking, then read serious prose: - they are not long either ...

Anatomy of life

Angela Kuzikova was jubilant ... Of course! Now, after living in the center of employment and a tedious search suitable job, years of study in Humanities University The non-black earth and the Central Russian Upland seemed to her already a fleeting and insignificant event of her past life... With happiness she was in seventh heaven - she managed to get a long-awaited job in a new city newspaper. There, at first, Angela dealt with the SMS-complaints of the townspeople, which were received by this publication. She accepted them, sorted them, processed them and prepared them for printing ...

Vanka Zhukov 2

Vanka Zhukov, or simply Wayne Sukoff, a twenty-two-year-old undergrowth, after paid and useless training at the volost business school of the county branch of the new capital's Bubble Blowing University, was given to the people by his beloved grandfather, and ended up in a subordinate metropolitan office, where he gained experience and comprehended the life of office plankton.

Wayne Sukoff was almost an orphan and was raised in the village by his grandfather, but he looked like a smart kid and worked tirelessly. However, the rude office manager, part-time owner of office furnishings and non-residential chambers, mocked him as he wanted, violating labor legislation and not paying overtime ...

YouTube star

That crocodiles do not fly, the baby learned from her grandmother, who soon died. A year later, the little girl babbled in a gadget that her mother had given her, and the child really wanted to hear from this device a “little humor story”.

Time passed, and the cute girl learned that there were not only terrible crocodiles, but also good domestic geese and ducks. The girl grew up, learned the world, learned to pronounce words correctly, and now she liked to listen to short "hilarious stories" on the Internet ...

Labrador Petya

On this gloomy day, an albino Labrador named Pyotr Ivanovich wandered through deserted courtyards filled with cars, looking at his feet and not paying attention to what was happening around him. And only crossing the lanes and streets, he looked around so as not to fall under the wheels of passing inept and reckless.

Near a relatively new house with a landscaped yard, he noticed a high porch with tiled walls. Several inscriptions were clearly visible on them, applied with a blue aerosol, among which two stood out: "Vanya is bullshit ..." and "SAM BAD!" ...

National question

Karavaikin's son asks Karavaikin's father:

Dad, dad, is it true that we are descended from monkeys, eh?

Who told you that, son?

Romka Abramovich is from our class.

Dad scratched the back of his head and said:

True, sonny, true ... We all descended from them: Jews, Georgians, Russians, Uzbeks, and Kyrgyz ... That's it!

And the son does not lag behind him: - And how is it, how ?!

Wedding donkey

Lepekhin always recalled his childhood when he heard one oriental name or an old anecdote about an old man from a distant village, who was going to go by train to his relatives in the city with his beloved donkey. The old man, along with the donkey, was, of course, not allowed into the carriage. Then he tied the obedient animal to the last carriage. And when the train arrived at the desired station a day later, the old man went to the tail of the train for his donkey. But instead of him I saw on the rope only one donkey's head with protruding ears and big eyes bulging with horror and madness ...

About love, sex and plagiarism

In the late afternoon, Karavaikin's son began to look closely at Karavaikin's father and noticed that today good mood, asked him:

And what is the difference between love, attraction and just sex?

Karavaikin-father looked at his son in bewilderment and, remembering that his offspring had turned sixteen in the spring, answered, restraining himself from displeasure: - And you, why is that?

Such a topic for the essay was given, - Karavaikin-son answered calmly ...

Optimistic Tragedy 2

This was not a fat-ass vixen from a TV channel for visually impaired TV series lovers and not a blonde lakhudra with fake tits ala-Pamela from the WhatDam channel, and not even the bitchy Klasha-BI with a flesh-colored latex ass from the WhatPlus-Plus channel. And this was a natural, stout woman, and she, like a statue of Hugeness, towered on main square Earth.

She proudly, but not too purposefully looked into the distance, because she knew for sure that most admirers of stout women ...

Unity day

Sidorov woke up with a heavy head.

“Apparently, I slept ...” - he thought, but, glancing at the ticking alarm clock, he muttered: - Yes, no, it seems I haven't slept ...

Before waking up, he had an amazing dream ... In a supermarket, he saw three-liter cans of vodka, in which pimply cucumbers turned appetizingly green.

“Only in a dream can one dream of vodka in three-liter cans, and even with pickled cucumbers... "- Sidorov reasoned soberly and even whinnied quietly, like a horse from the smell of juicy hay ...

Dog thoughts

Peter Ivanovich loved new year holidays... Trash cans were cleaned less often these days - they were overfilled and looked richer than at other times. And yet it was not required to scour for a long time - something could be profitable without much effort.

Running along a slushy path, he stopped near a familiar house. There was a police car and a small group of onlookers nearby, discussing something. Soon an ambulance drove up to this place, and the intrigued Pyotr Ivanovich approached the people ...

God's gift

Hello dear President!

A resident of our and your country writes to you. A long time ago, when I lived in my native village with the name Bolshaya Derevnya and worked as a groom at the state farm "The Way to Communism", I wrote to your grandfather, dear Leonid Ilyich, in Moscow.

The state farm is no longer there - the state farm is dead, just like our village ... We now live in the city, as they say right now, in New Moscow ... That's right! .. Everything, as our grandfathers said, came true: "Moscow is a Big Village!"

Thank you and your grandfather - we are now "Muscovites" and before communism we are not, we can say that it is a stone's throw, that just spit! Big Village, then everyone would live ... But I'm not talking about entom - I want to say about our infection, about this very corruption, which does not allow the people to breathe. I was especially outraged by the last case about your minister's bribe in dollars for 20 kilos ...

Legend about Kuzma Mamai

Earlier, back in Soviet time, Apollo Petrov worked as a journalist in a newspaper, and then as an editor in a book publishing house, so he knew the price artistic word in all senses.

Now, already in retirement, Apollo Petrov, under the pseudonym Kuzma Mamai, published couplets, quads and aphorisms on the Internet, flavored with swear words, without receiving any fees for his verbal arts, but at the same time experiencing great moral satisfaction.

“Brevity is the sister of talent, and mate is its elder brother! "- Petrov was talking now ...

I invite you to become a member and subscriber of the community "Short stories and stories of the 21st century" In contact with. If you want to be an author or reader of modern Russian prose without empty fantasy, glamor, philological dregs and pseudo-intellectual zeal, then click on this link.

About the genre of short humorous stories

Small, short stories, irony like stylistic figure, and ironic prose itself is an expression of ridicule or slyness through allegory, when a word or utterance acquires a meaning in the context of speech that is opposite to their literal meaning or denies it.

Humor - special kind comic, combining ridicule and sympathy, an outwardly comic interpretation and an inner involvement in what seems funny. Unlike the "destructive laughter" of satire and the "laughter of superiority" (including irony), humor hides behind the mask of the funny serious attitude to the subject of laughter, and even the justification of the "eccentric", which provides humor with a more holistic reflection of the essence of the phenomenon. Such humor, such irony, as a rule, are contained in small, short stories of ironic prose.

But about self-irony in encyclopedic dictionaries almost nothing, but I suppose everything is clear. In fact, this is the same irony, but only directed at oneself. Although most often self-irony, as an expression of one's attitude to one's own personality in all senses, rarely sounds aloud, and if it does, it is usually without witnesses.

Both the sense of humor and self-irony, especially when spoken aloud, are undoubtedly higher than ordinary irony, which sometimes turns into causticity. There are many shades of humor and self-irony, but similar human qualities not many people have it ... It's like a talent, like a special gift.

Forms of expression of all this wealth human culture enough: this catch phrases, sayings, proverbs, aphorisms, anecdotes, miniatures, novellas, small, short stories, stories, novels ... There are enough examples, samples, one might say, standards of such creativity - it makes no sense to list them all. True, there are clearly pronounced forms and delightful places in such works as, for example, the novels of Ilf and Petrov, small, short stories by Averchenko, Zoshchenko, and more deeply hidden texts, but from this no less bewitching the reader, as, for example, in works of Babel or Andrei Platonov. In my opinion, all these concepts do not require an encyclopedic definition ... Here, as they say, everything is clear to the hedgehog. Irony with humor are friends, so they cannot live without each other. They are like a sandwich, like bread and butter - always together, and if there is also a thin layer of self-irony, then it's almost like caviar in addition to this sandwich - delicious extraordinary!