Collection of short funny stories. How to write a small humorous story

Writing short humorous stories is a pleasant occupation that will help you to realize your desire to engage in writing activities and hone sense of humor. Humor helps relieve tension in difficult situations and combine people with laughter, and this is very useful if the plot is complex or tragic. It does not matter why you need to write a humorous story (for classes on literature or simply because you have a great idea) - this occupation will allow you to show your sense of humor and find a way to express yourself.

Steps

Stage planning

Decide where the action will occur. Someone more like to think over the plot, however, in humorous prose, much depends on situations. Before proceeding with the study of the plot, it will be useful for you to think where the action will occur and what can contribute to the emergence of funny situations.

• Try to choose an intense place. If you do not be original in choosing a place, the reader will quickly lose interest because it will seem to him that he has already heard it.
• In humorous stories, there should be as little shifting the place of action. Straighure to ensure that you only have one place, a maximum of two.

1. Think out the plot. The plot is the most important element of any story. The plot is what happens in the story, acting persons and how they interact.

   • A good story should have the beginning, middle and end. As part of this structure, a voltage source must appear, the culmination (maximum stress point) and the disconnection that leads to an end.
   • Think that it can be a voltage source in your story, and adapt it to the place and time of the action you have chosen.
   • Reflect on how this voltage source can manifest itself in your story. Perhaps the scene can enhance the voltage or create a romantic setting.

2. Treat the heroes. In any story there must be interesting and realistic actors. In humorous stories, the reader expects to see the heroes that or have funny features, or are in funny situations.

   Use of humor

   1. Try to consider funny in everything. Thinking up the future humorous story, collect as much as possible funny from all spheres of life. It can be something personal or related to politics or culture. When you get enough for something interesting, write it up in a bundle with my story (plot) and the situation (that is, the theme with which you work, for example, it may be friendship) and march why it seems funny to you.

      • Record all the ideas that you have. Fix everything is funny that you see and hear, as well as all thoughts relative to the plots and heroes.
      • Do not be afraid to take plots from your personal experience or from the life of friends.
      • The humorous story should not be fully autobiographical, but if it will meet the elements of what you have come across, it will make your work special.
      • Watch out for events in the world. You may not write a story associated with the latest news or gossip about celebrities, but it can push you on the idea of \u200b\u200bthe plot based on real events that have cultural significance.

   2. Have your own hard beliefs. In the humorous genre, honesty from the author is important, which means that you as the author of short humorous stories should be honest. Before proceeding with work, think about what you believe in order to be able to build your observations and text in general.

      • You are unlikely to tell a joke on a political topic without deciding on whose party you are. Similarly, you should not keep neutrality in writing work.
      • Do not be afraid that your humor will throw out people who disagree with you - just know what you consider it right because it will help you find humor in certain situations.

   3. Look for sources of inspiration. If you want to write a short humorous story, you will be useful for you to search what will inspire you. Inspiration can have different forms, but the most effective way is to read and see as much comedy as possible.

      • West a humorous prose. It can be found on the Internet, in the library, and you can buy in a bookstore.
      • See the humorous films and serials. This is not exactly the format you need, but it can also give you some useful ideas.
      • While reading or viewing, try to analyze humor.
      • Think why something seems funny to you. Analyze as a writer or screenwriter came up with the plot and heroes, and look for a way to adapt these techniques for your work.

   4. Know what is a joke. You can include jokes in the text, and to do it right, you should know how to make comedies. Use jokes is optional, but if you plan to do this, it is best to explore the basic principles. The joke should be simple, and the reader should not think for a long time to understand it. Ideally, the joke should be laughing at the moment when the reader finishes reading it.

      Use humor not all the time. It may seem strange that in a humorous story not everything should be ridiculous, but an excess of humor can be ruined even a good plot. Do not push jokes to readers - the story should be funny, but not oversaturated humor.

      • Remember that in a humorous story there must be a realistic plot, heroes and dialogues. The story cannot consist only from the sequence of jokes.
      • You can find a funny in place and time of action, in heroes, in situations or in combinations of these elements. If you try to place too much humor in one text, albeit humorous, you will have a parody, not a story.

   Work on text

   1. Describe the place of action and the heroes as early as possible. In any story, first you need to explain to the reader, about whom will be speaking, where the action unfolds, and give a hint of what will happen next. This also applies to humorous stories, just there is something funny in them. Readers should not be too long in ignorance, otherwise they will throw a story without reading to the end.

      • At the beginning of the story, the place of action and at least one character should be described.
      • Tell us where the action takes place, but mention only the most important thing. Try to extract as much useful and funny as possible.
      • Think how and where humor will manifest. Try at least hint at it in the string.
      • Remember that at least something - a voltage source, a source of humor or something that becomes important in the string is to appear.

   2. In the middle of events and circumstances should complicate and become funny. It is in the middle that the story is commonly confused. In short humorous stories in the middle there is a lot of good humor or there at least conditions are created for the manifestation of humor closer to the end.

   3. Write a short junction. In a short story, there is little space for long reasoning and conclusions. The story should be completed quickly and briefly, and the humor must already appear to the junction (especially if in the middle of the story you created the conditions for the occurrence of funny situations).

      • The conflict should develop pretty quickly. Humor may be in how conflict is allowed, but maybe just accompany this.
      • The ending should be short. Remember that due to the story format you will have to discard all the insignificant details.
      • Try to make the ending occupied only one paragraph. In the last sentence must be attended by humor so that the reader could breathe with relief.

   4. Compound realistic dialogs. You already have heroes, similar to real people, and now you need them to communicate with each other so that the reader believes you. If the reader is immersed in the story, and he does not have thoughts that all this was fictional, the story can be considered well written.

      • Think how people talk to each other. Read the dialogs out loud and ask yourself if people really say so.
      • In good dialogues there must be the development of the plot. Throw superfluous and do not talk about obvious.
      • The identity of the heroes should be opened in the dialogues, including how they communicate and treat other people.
      • Do not overload explanations to remarks unnecessary details. For example, instead of the next phrase: "What do we do?" He asked, looking nervously to the ground and avoiding her glance "it is better to say so:" What do we do? "He asked, without tearing his eyes off the Earth ".

   5. Tell me all you want to say, a small number of words. This is one of the most difficult tasks in writing short stories. It may seem that write a long book is more complicated, but in a short story the same tasks must be performed, only with a limitation by volume. Everything should come together by the end, but in addition, the story should also be saturated with humor.

      • You may have large-scale ideas, but it is important to remember that, writing a short humorous story, you are limited in the volume of text.
      • Do not leave the idea of \u200b\u200bunfinished. In the story, the main idea should be fully developed.
      • To reduce the volume, you can get rid of the insignificant elements and words.
      • If you said everything that you wanted to say (or clearly, or with the help of descriptions), we can assume that the idea was fully implemented.
      • For example, you need a lot of space to describe the complexity of human relationships. In a short story, you can illuminate a separate aspect of friendship (for example, the forgiveness of offensive words or actions).

   6. Concentrate on the most important. You may be difficult to write your story if you have not read similar stories from other authors. You can hp a long story or expand the short, but most importantly to remember the key elements of any story.

      • Some writers are easier to write a long text and then cut it. Such an approach guarantees the completion of thought.
      • Another authors like to start with a slight passage and refine it. So it will be easier to write short text, and so you will relieve yourself from torments associated with the removal of some parts of the text.
      • There is no right and wrong ways to write a story, so choose what the most suitable for you.
      • Whatever method you choose, follow the completeness of the narration, open the heroes and use the humor with the mind.

   Editing

   1. Before editing, postpone work aside. The worst thing to be done is to start the defect of the text immediately after the completion of work on it. You need to relax from the story to then look at it on the fresh head. This will allow you to distract from small details.

      • There should be at least one or two weeks between the completion of work on text and starting editing. Ideally, it is better to leave text for a month.
      • Ask a close friend or relative to read your story. Ask him honestly express criticism. Tell me, it is very important for you to know that you managed badly and why.
      • Reading text on a fresh head will help you see the errors that you could miss. When you are absorbed by the work on the text, you may seem that you wrote something, because it still spins you in your head, although in fact you could omit it.
      • Rest from the text is also necessary because then you will be easier to throw out too much. Perhaps you really like one scene, but a few weeks later you can decide that it is not so important as it seemed to you.

   2. Remind yourself what your goal is. What is the appointment of your story? Have you tried to pay attention to the real situation in society? Want to analyze a certain aspect of human nature? Laugh at personal experience? Whatever your intentions, you should remind yourself that you wanted to convey to the reader before proceeding to edit.

      • Remember, why did you start writing this text, you will be easier to understand what you wanted to achieve. Thanks to this, you will be able to achieve your goal.
      • Think whether the tone corresponds to the narrative to your intentions, as well as all events in the story.

   3. Explain everything that seems incomprehensible. This is one of the reasons why the text needs to be set aside for some time. Having completed the work on the story, you will most likely not be able to notice things that will damage the reader. If there is some time after that, it will be easier for you to find your mistakes.

      • Neon understanding can be caused by the content of the story (or the absence of any things in the plot) or bad transitions between scenes. Transitions must be smooth: from the scene to the scene, from the chapter to the chapter.
      • A successful transition completes the previous episode and brings the reader to the next one.
      • Here is an example of a good transition between scenes: "He walked her look until she disappeared in the dark. In the morning he began to look again in the other side, although he knew that by this moment she would overcome half the road to the house."
      • Ask a friend to read your story and say what moments seem unclear or confusing.

   4. Check out the text for errors. Default of text is not the same as editing. When editing, you rewrite some parts of the text and throw out what is written badly. When subtracting, grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors are corrected.

      • Look for spelling, syntactic, grammatical errors, unsuccessful offers and parts of proposals, errors in punctuation and weak explanations for replica.
      • Use the program to check spelling or ask a friend who is well subtracting texts for errors, check your story.
      • Try to read the story out loud. Sometimes mistakes easier to catch a rumor.
   • Do not give up! If you can not think of anything, take a break and start first.
   • Do not forget that just written stories are not immaculate. The task of the writer is to change the texts and bring them to perfection.
   • Give a relative friend to read your work. You must trust this person and appreciate his opinion. Ask for you to tell you those fragments that you succeeded, and Those that require refinement.

It was in the 1995 year, the Russian thieves of the lads ... this year did not forget, "Kohl remained alive ... The freedom in the country was around, whom she freed him from work, who he was aggravated by the world, then she lived then richly, - only the thieves of the Thieves.

Yes! Who was in the power then, a billions of themselves copied.

And the Cossacks on the Don tried, however was the strength, - they rested here! To feed your families, and the capital to meat.

My workdays ... then passed in the title. It was the case in the summer ...

So we handed the pigs, scored sausages by traffic, fresh, with the smell of garlic from pure meat, a kilogram of a kilogram, not as the sausage is now sold, in it 10% meat, and the rest is unknown that. At that time, for such a sausage, in which only 10% of meat, at least five years of the general regime would give the stage without delay, were not sent to such remote places.

Due to the fact that they worked without nonsense and any incidents, drove into a lavage.

Took in this store, a bottle of liter shooter ...

Green man lived in a green city. He lived in a green house with green doors and green windows. He had a green wife and two green children. At night, he slept in his green bed and saw green, green dreams.

Once a green man rose green in the morning, put on a green shirt, green pants and green shoes. He put on a green hat on his head and left the house. Green man sat in his green car and drove along the green road. On one side of the road was the Green Sea, and on the other hand ...

A telephone call was distracted from not very important things at work. Children's garden teacher? Something happened to them there, the hostages were pleased, the word PE. I buried to the garden for a long 7 minutes, not even changed, in a medical coat, but I managed only to the "Shapshit".

Children have already brought, and my neighbor was going home to behave. For some reason, in the air anxiety and hidden panic. Harves and whisper: "Now she does not let anyone ...", "died he, died, and granny, the door from the inside ... snapped ...

Story wife friend

The guy broke up with a girl, he is lonely, well, he addresses his friend's wife with a request to find him a girlfriend. She is:
- And you will love her?
- Will.
- Worn in your hands?
- Will.
- Gifts to give?
- Will.
- Listen, maybe I'm going to go?

Safety Engineer

As our safety engineer says, nothing pleases the eye, like a second eye!

Check of visual acuity

Ophthalmologist:
- Read this line!
A patient:
- I can not.
- Yes, you have ...

The first time I fell in love with 4th grade. Then the men's and women's schools were merged, and girls came to our grade 4. Our school was previously male, and the girls came to us. The first days of study were unusual: the class was silence, because both boys and girls still did not know each other. However, after a week, the situation has changed dramatically. After everyone was converting, noise during the lessons was constantly, and teachers were difficult to lead lessons.

Her name was Galya Kapustin. She was not beautiful, most likely ...

A thin strip runs wax over a long curved candle. It smells like a vanilla. I do not like Vanilla. Angel sits on the windowsill and looks into the sky. He wants home, and I hold it. I hold with your thoughts and attempts to be with your beloved man. Forcing me to fly everywhere and hold from crazy actions. He is tired and sighs with blue pollen. I want to apologize, but this is his work ... I ask the angel to find my beloved, but he refuses. And what about him, in fact?

Angel crying. I did not know what happens ...

About 11 o'clock, for someone - a day, for someone - in the morning, a call rang in my apartment. I went to open.

Two pretty women stailed on the landing site. In his hands, they kept brochures. The one who was higher and the beddown, with a smile turned to me:

Hello! We came to you at the destruction of the Lord God.

From the entrance he was rejoyed by an unpleasant temper, and therefore I tried to accelerate the time of communication with the messengers:

And why did he send you to me?
-We brought you from ...

Want to live long, love humor and short stories? .. Then do not rush to leave, because the shortest story, according to lovers of black humor, this is an epitaph. I tried this not too merry thought to transform into my short humorous stories and funny thumbnails with light irony and sarcasm, so read them - they will just prolong your life. If a short humor with irony does not like, then read a serious prose: - They are also not long ...

Anatomy of Life

Angela Kuzikova rejoiced ... still! Now, after stagnation in the center of employment and tedious searches for suitable work, years of study at the Humanitarian University of Nechnemime and the Middle Russian hill seemed to her already a fleeting and insignificant event of her past life. From happiness, she was in the seventh heaven - she managed to get a long-awaited job in a new city newspaper. There, at first, Angela was engaged in SMS-complaints of the citizens who came to this publication. She took them, sorted, processed and prepared in print ...

Vanka Zhukov 2.

Vanka Zhukov or just Wayne Sukoff, inexpressible training in the volost business of the county branch of the provincial branch of the new metropolitan university for inflating bubbles, was given to people's favorite grandfather, and found himself in a spent metropolitan office where experience gained and Filled the life of an office plankton.

Wayne Sukoff was almost round orphan and brought up in the village of Grandfather, but looked intelligent guy and worked, not to twist. However, a rude office manager, part-time the owner of the office decoration and non-residential chambers, washed over it, as wanted, disrupting the labor legislation and not paying overtime ...

Star YouTube

That crocodiles do not fly, the baby learned from the grandmother, which soon died. A year later, Baby Sheptala in the gadget, which her mother presented her, and I really wanted to hear the "Mulene Mumoric Story" from this Device.

Time went, and the girl-cutie learned that there are not only terrible crocodiles, but still kind homemade geese and ducks. The girl grew, was recognized by the world, learned how to disconnect the words, and now she liked to listen to short "deformist stories" on the Internet ...

Labrador Peter

In this gloomy day, Labrador-Albinos, named Peter Ivanovich, wandered by deserted courtyards, crashed cars, looking at his feet and not paying attention to what was going around around him. And only crossing the passages and the streets, he looked around, so as not to please under the wheels of passing inepes and lihach.

About one house, relatively new, with a comfortable yard, he drew attention to a high drive porch with walls, lined tiles. They clearly visible several inscriptions applied by a blue aerosol, among which two were distinguished: "Vanya - Fuffer ..." and "Loch himself!" ...

National Question

Karawaykin-son asks Kawayikina Father:

Dad, and dad, however, what did we happen from the monkeys, eh?

And who said to you, son?

Romka Abramovich from our class.

Dad scratched the head and says:

True, son, though ... We all happened from them: both Jews, Georgians, Russians, and Uzbeks, and Kyrgyz ... All!

And the son does not lag behind him: - And how is it, how?! ..

Wedding Donkey

Lepёchin always remembered his childhood when he heard the same east name or old anecdote about an old man from a distant Aul, who was going to go by train to his relatives to the city with his beloved donkey. The old man, together with the donkey in the car, is understandable, did not let. Then he tied an obedient animal to the last car. And when the train arrived in the day at the desired station, the old man went to the tail of the composition for his donkey. But instead, he saw on the rope only one donkey head with sticking ears and big eyes, scattered from horror and madness ...

About love, sex and plagiarism

Karawaykin-son closer to the evening began to look closely at Karawayikin-Father and noticing that today there is a good mood today, asked him:

And what are the difference between love, attraction and just sex?

The Karawaykin-Father looked at his son in bewilderment and, remembering that he was sixteen even in the spring, answered, holding herself from discontent: - And why do you need it?

This topic was given to the abstract - Karawaykin-Son calmly answered ...

Optimistic tragedy 2.

This was not a thickness of Meghera from the TV channel for the visually impaired serial lovers and not a blonde lahudr with Silicon Tits Ala Pamela from the channel Whatablin, and not even a boggy premium clash-bi with a bench-colored latex ass from the channel WHATLIN-PLUS. And it was a natural antencoal woman, and she, as a statue of angrily, rose on the main square of the Earth.

She is proudly, but not too purposefully watched the distance, because I knew exactly that most of the admirers of the mercury women ...

Unity Day

Sidor woke up with heavy head.

"Apparently, he slept ..." he thought, but, looking at the ticking alarm clock, muttered: - Yes, no, it seems, did not sleep ...

Before the awakening, he dreamed of an amazing sleep ... In a superman, he saw three-liter jars with vodka, in which the appetizing green cucumbers.

"Only in a dream can be dreamed of vodka in three-liter banks and even with salty cucumbers ..." - soberly judged Sidorov and even quietly, as a horse from the smell of a juicy village ...

Dog thoughts

Peter Ivanovich loved the New Year holidays ... Dubbanks these days were cleared less often - they were overflowing and looked richer than at another time. And I have not yet been required for a long time to scour - it was possible to get started without much effort.

Running along a slushful trail, he stopped near a friend home. There was a police car and nearby a small handy of Zewak, something discussing. Soon the ambulance car arrived at this place, and the intrigued Peter Ivanovich approached people ...

God's gift

Hello, dear president!

You write a resident of our country and your country. For a long time, when I lived in my native village with the name a big village and worked as a stake in the state farm "Path to Communism", I wrote to Moscow to Moscow - dear Leonid Ilyich.

The state farm now does not - Pomit state farm, like our village ... We now live in the city, how right now say, in New Moscow ... That's right! .. Everything, as our grandfathers spoke, came true: "Moscow is a big village!"

Thank you and your grandfather - we are now "Muscovites" and to the communism to us nonon, we can say that it is enough to sue, what to spit out! .. That's all our country to move into this big village, then everyone would heal ... but I would not About Ante - I want to say about our infection, about this very corruption that does not give the people. Especially outraged me the last case about the bribe of your minister by dollars at 20 kilo weigh ...

Talk about Kuzma Mamaia

Previously, in Soviet times, Appolon Petrov worked as a journalist in the newspaper, and then the editor in the book publishing house, therefore he knew the price of an artistic word in every sense.

Now, already being at pensions, Apolone Petrov, under the pseudonym Kuzma Mamai, published two-deck, four-wing and aphorisms on the Internet, confused by Materki, not receiving any fees for their verbal arts, but while experiencing great moral satisfaction.

"The brevity is the sister of talent, and the mat is his older brother! "- I was talking now to Petrov ...

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About the genre of short humorous stories

Small, short stories, irony, like a stylistic figure, and the Ironic prose itself is an expression of ridicule or debris by allegory, when the word or statement acquires the meaning in the context of speech opposite to their literal value or denying it.

Humor is a special kind of comic, combining mockery and sympathy, externally comic interpretation and internal involvement in what seems ridiculous. Unlike the "destructive laughter" of satire and "laughter of superiority" (including irony), in humor under the mask, a serious attitude towards the subject of laughter, and even the excuse of the "eccentric", which ensures humor a more holistic reflection of the being of the phenomenon. Such humor, such irony contains, as a rule, small, short stories of ironic prose.

But about the self-irony in encyclopedic dictionaries there is almost nothing, but I suppose that everything is so clear here. In fact, this is the same irony, but only aimed at its address. Although most often self-irony, as an expression of his attitude to his own personality in every sense, rarely sounds out loud, and if it sounds, as a rule, without witnesses.

And the sense of humor, and self-irony, especially spoken by loud, is undoubtedly higher than the ordinary irony, which sometimes goes into peerness. The shades of humor and self-ironym are many, but such human qualities are far from many people ... It's like a talent, as a special gift.

Forms of expression of all this wealth of human culture abound: these are winged phrases, sayings, proverbs, aphorisms, jokes, miniatures, novels, small, short stories, stories, novels ... examples, samples, can be said, the standards of such creativity are enough - there is no point list. True, there are clearly pronounced forms and delightful places in such works, such as, for example, Ilf and Petrov novels, small, short stories Averchenko, Zoshchenko, and deeperly buried texts, but from this no less charming reader, such as in this works of Babel or Andrei Platonov. In my opinion, all these concepts do not require an encyclopedic definition ... here, as they say, the hedgehog is clear. Irony with humor is friends, so without each other can not. They are like a sandwich, like bread with butter - always together, and if there is also a thin layer of self-irony, then it is almost like an ICKA in adding to this sandwich - yummy is extraordinary!

Read modern funny short stories. Texts of short humorous stories of modern writers and writers :). Cool story about the mysterious Russian soul, and other stories. Satira, Irony and Humor in short stories of Russian authors

Elena Evstigneeva
Year of rat.

The sun was barely appeared above the edge of the Great Fuji, and the yami had already drove her mandze, waiting for the divine Satori on him. A few hours later, Fyodor Koshkin smoked his first bearer in a communal restroom and a vigorous mater was welcomed by no neighbors. Yami stretched out his yellow legs with silent yamate, and she submissively put on him new wooden gate. In the country of the rising sun, a great day of shifting clothes came. "My Vaby," - with tenderness I thought the touched by me. Fyodor cleared the spouse's swollen from the progress and for the order lit up his faithful powerful Fingal. The spouse continued to sleep, no for a second without interrupting the Bogatyr snoring. "Here, Kuva!" - Fedor fadded with the flour fedor, admired his wife. The work day of Mitsubishi began early, but the yami came even earlier to make a new Iquiban on his computer desk. They were proud of that was a modest member of such a powerful corporation. For the tenth year, Fedor worked at his native factory. He habitually sucks the cigar for his feet and launched the milling machine. I went home on foot to pass the barefoot through the peaceful shadow of the taverny grove. In the soul was granted a vague concern. With Great Fuji, the warm wind of change came down. Fyodor Stall home through the cemetery - so it was faster and safer. The mood was good - today the technical alcohol was given, finally, the salary for February last year. "Returned, my Missago!" - Joyfully whispered the faithful Yamato gentle cadzure, having grown to his Mother. "Where did you hang, male?" - Meet Fedor Grushai from Bodunya's wife. When a pale fugue was rejected, and the hot sake doppito, the tender Yamato danced the dance of love and infinity. It's time for night contemplation. Spouses Koshkina have already finished the first bottle, when the yam, tormented by insomnia, went out into the garden of stones. In his hands, he held Tomik Dostoevsky. I dreamed of learning Russian to unravel, finally, mysterious Russian soul. In the distant Mukhosransk, in the local police station, hugging, the spouses of Cats, smeared by drunk communal apartment, serenely slept. In the sharing of the ruin ran in a rack of a livka rat. Risching his own life, Fedor broke through the police cordon and carried a cage from the fire with a home lovedness. Yami rented the last page. Not! No technical progress will help to reach the inhabitants of the rising sun to the spiritual heights of rolling in search of intellectual truths of mysterious Slavs! A Japanese cartoon rodent was carefully watched by a Japanese cartoon rodent with a gluke calendar. The year of rat began.

Masterpiece

Irina was tired of the brush aside and admired the result of the work done. The canvas turned out exactly how she conceived him: a heavy crown of Emerald waves declared from the noded branches of the old tree to the delicate piglets, curl along the dust barrel. The pure turquoise color of the emerging morning emphasized his power and maturity of centenary oak, and the marked spot of blooming Astra in the lower left corner competently shadped the modest advantage of the age-old tree. That is how she wanted to create lately - no conventions, non-infractions, everything is very specific. The picture should not require any speculation, but only to encourage photographic items to contemplately, with which this time she coped simply brilliantly. It will call this picture in good simple - "tree". "Pick and deploy, just careful!" - shouted sleep to the courier, who was supposed to deliver the last picture into the gallery opening next day. Irina ran to call an artist's friend to order a review, and the young man, no longer thinking, the barbarus folded the canvas in half and, having rolled it into the tube, went at the specified address. Irina did not have time to open the exhibition, but she was not worried, knowing that the organizer of the exhibition, a good acquaintance, would not let down. Only in the evening, running through the halls with the canvas of other authors, Irina stopped at the wall with his canvas, and the tears of the hail hung out of her eyes. The spoiled picture looked like a vague green masculine, symmetrically doubled by a negligible courier. On the left hung an explanatory text of art historian who said: "The formation of an individual style of this artist is best traced on the example of the author's last work with the symbolic title" Tree ". In lines that repeatedly outlining this or that form, the traditions of Russian constructivism and European futurism are guessed. The creative method of this artist was formed gradually along the way of increasing complication of the composition, displacement of plans and multi-layered image, which led to the creation of a multi-faceted composition with a complexly organized, tectonically active internal space, spectacularly combined with local colors, repeatedly repeated by the author. Receiving a doubling creates the effect of the mirroring of the internal dynamics of space. The surreal, metaphorical image of the Tree of Life allows connoisseurs of wonderful to put in search of their own superago, hidden in the soul of each of us. The color complexity of the background contributes to the process of knowledge of being and causes associations with the venue of absolute harmony, where the tree of knowledge of good and evil provokes further search for the artist's self-identification. The created style carries a strong energy principle and is the departure of the work of reality into the atmosphere of beast. The desire to scarce the time in the complex plexus of abstract forms leads to a stunning effect on the viewer's effect of a broken bomb. This is an unconditional masterpiece of contemporary art! ". Irina quickly broke through the whole night, and in the morning the next day he learned that the critics recognized the painting "tree" the best work of the year.

Yin and Jan.

Stelkina and Abrikosov met, as it should be sworn girlfriends: folded the lips in the tube, and, kill their side, several times touched each other's cheers. On the agenda was a report to Apricot about her trip to Greece, where she rested with her husband in a burning ticket. Stelkina has never happened abroad and therefore suffered severely from the impossibility to ignore this information, on the one hand, and at the same time the zadachi desire to demonstrate the utmost indifference, on the other. Abrikosov perfectly understood what was going on in the soul at the girlfriend, and therefore patiently waited for the first step on her part. Finally, Stelkina could not stand and carelessly praised a girlfriend, sorely stating the fact:

- And you look good after rest.

"Okay, you invent you," Abrikosov's praise dismissed, gladly looking at their reflection in the wavy mirror of an old tremor. - I lost weight, just some kind of horror, you see, all clothes falls. Now you have to update the entire wardrobe. And this tan of stupid European, all so flat, golden.

I will go to work, we will be visible to women, they will immediately understand, not in Mukhosransk some rested. I do not even know how to be!

"Yes, you don't kill so, dear," Steelkina comforted fake. - The tan of this is not a couple of people, near Moscow, a couple of times you will use a bath, and there is no it. And what lost it, of course, trouble is trying - won and the skin saved, and wrinkles are no longer making wrinkles, but in your age kilograms return, so this is a disgrace for a while.

Abrikosov, who was older than a girlfriend for only six months, hurried to translate the topic in a favorable line for her.

- Well, in general, these are all trifles. The main thing is that we rested gorgeous, just like gods! Yes, even for a penny - the triumph is burning. You imagine, the hotel is tiny, straight toy, only six guests, we and old people Germans_

Lady dandelions. So with the neighbors we are unusually lucky, we have not seen them and did not hear.

Stelkina was noticeably poured, but not going to give up without a fight.

"Okay, Toll, a friend, for sure you inflated." I heard, there at this time the wind is strong, stormat, not the season is still.

- What are you, what wind? - Abricosov competently held a blow without losing faces. "There was a breeze, of course, a light such breeze from the sea, but during the day when the bakes, he was so out, without him we would just burn out.

- And fed like? I know, in Greece, food is very heavy for our stomachs, fatty all and solid spices, - continued to intelligence the Boat of Stelkina.

- Well, I do not know where you are, a darling, such a nonsense gained. They fed us simply canceled: fruits, vegetables, salads are all sorts of light, and satisfying, and the figure will not spoil. Apricots my sang as Apollo.

"I just don't understand one, why did you go there with an apricot," did not want to part with the last hope for the victory of the wounded wounded Stelkin. - Well, who in Tula with his samovar is dragging!

- Well, if in Tula, then, of course, especially if you do not have a samovar, and so, custard chairs. But the apricot decided: now rest only in civilized Europe and together. We constantly communicated with each other there, could not speak, discovered so much new!

This blow was a chairs, of course, below the belt.

- I imagine what a pillar is going on, since everything went so successfully, - threw the last grenade A, unable to hide her disappointment more. - What are you talking about? We are not in Khalki-Dicks, like all the suckers, we went, but to Sitonia. Places there are just a paradise, no urban bustle, around Wildlife: Rocks, Pines, Fish, and Neither the soul, only with Apricot, like Adam and Eve, bathed with naked. And most importantly, from this, my such powerful potency was formed! - I finished the girlfriend Abrikosov, dreamily by driving his eyes from spicy memories. "You believe," she dropped tone before intimacy, "twice the night! - And, seeing how Pelkina in the death agony bit the lip from envy, made a control shot: - And in the last night so five times in a row!

... At this time, drinking beer in the garage, apricots shared his impressions from rest with her old pavement.

- So that I have drove away from this fool on vacation - yes for nothing! He spoke to her - not the season! So, no, rested the horn - but cheap, save. So saved, damn! I lived hell knows where, with some fascist pterodactiles. They have twenty hours a day afternoon. For so many days, no one was in a word. But my faithful thing was not stuck at all, even I spoiled something from the toilet!

"The weather was, probably good," tried to encourage a friend of sensitive Stelkin.

- Yeah, good! CHOULD, and the windy from morning to night, so whistled, that I still have a bang with Iroquois, I can't put any gel.

Stelkin kept with a friend, expressing full sympathy and understanding, and immediately threw him another rescue circle:

But you won like stunned, one navel remained from the belly.

- Walk, here, when in a hotel from food only a trauma-game in one hundred versions. Believe it, I got to mock at night! So my idiot decided that this is me from passion to her ...

Apricot was silent, nervously bites her lips from unpleasant memories, and unexpectedly complained to delicately silently stamps:

- She fucked me there in full program, twice a day, and on the day of departure, so even three times in a row!

"Yes, cruel ..." I sincerely sympathized with a friend Stelkin. - I don't know how you lasted these seven days there?

"Ten," the fan crushed both five apricots, and faithful stamping, in solidarity with a friend, went to open the second beer box.


You read a selection of funny stories of the modern Writer of the humorist.
Smile, ladies and gentlemen!
......................................................................................

In a restaurant

Focuses! This witchcraft! - I heard the phrase at the next table.

Did her gloomy man with a black swallowed mustache and a glass perplexed glance.

Black wet mustache, hair, sliding almost on the eyebrows, and the glass look unshakably proved that the owner of the treasures listed was a fool.

There was a fool in the literal and clear sense of the word.

One of his interlocutors poured himself a beer, rubbed his hands and said:

No more than agility and agility of hands.

This witchcraft! - stubbornly stood on his black, sucking his mustache.

The man who was standing for the progress of hands, satirically looked at the third of the company and exclaimed:

Okay! What is there no witchcraft, do you want, I will prove?

Black smiled gloomily.

Yes, how are you, how ... Pre-seri di-di-yes-tor?

Probably if I say it! Well, do I want to bet for a hundred rubles, that I will cut off all your buttons in five minutes and come them?

Black pulled for something vest button and said:

In five minutes? Cut and sew It's incomprehensible!

Completely! Well, goes - one hundred rubles?

No, it's a lot! I have only five.

But I don't care ... you can less - want three bottles of beer?

Black poisongent winked.

Why do you lose?

Who am I? See! ..

He stretched out his hand, shook the thin fingers of a black man, and the third of the company spread his arms.

Well, look at the clock and watch there no more than five minutes!

We were all intrigued, and even sleepy moay, which was sent for a plate and a sharp knife, broke up with his desequerary view.

One two Three! Starting!

A man who declared himself a magician took a knife, put the plate, cut off all the vest buttons into it.

Is there a jacket too?

How! .. Rear, on the sleeves, near the pockets.

Buttons with a knock poured into a plate.

I have on trousers! - Fucking laughter, said black. - And on shoes!

OK OK! Well, I want to heal any button on you? .. Do not worry, everything will be cut off!

Since the upper dress lost the restraining element, then the opportunity to go to the lower one.

When the last buttons were tremended on trousers, black gloating put her legs on the table.

On the boots of eight buttons. Let's see how you will have time to sew them back?

The magician, no longer answering, worked feverishly with his knife.

Soon he wiped the wet forehead and, put a plate on the table, on which, like unknown berries, lay multicolored buttons and cufflinks, grumbled:

Ready, all!

Lackey delightedly threatened his hands:

82 pieces. Duck!

Now go bring me a needle and threads! - Completed the magician. - Vivid, well!

The drinking calorie waved them in the air for hours and unexpectedly slammed the lid.

Late! There is! Five minutes passed. You lose!

He whom it belonged to, with annoyance threw a knife.

Damn me! Lost! .. Well, nothing to do! .. Man! Bring to my account these gentlemen three bottles of beer and, by the way, tell me how much I should?

Black man paled.

Ku-where are you?

The magician yawned.

On the side ... I want to sleep like a dog. You wonder for a day ...

And buttons ... sew?

What? What I will be sewed, if I lost ... I did not have time, my wines. Losses put ... all the best, gentlemen!

A black man breathing his hands behind the leaving, and at the same time the movement all his clothes fell like a shell with a chicken hatched. He shyly pulled back trousers and frightened her eyes with horror:

Gos-di! What will happen now?

What was with him, I do not know.

I came out with the third of the company, which probably left a man without buttons.

Not being familiar, we have become on the corner of the streets against each other and for a long time without words laughed.

The Tea-Lutch Controller Fedor Ivanovich Akvinsky walked into the bathhouse, which was in two versts from the dog hired by him, which only the deceruble fantasy owner could consider "cottages" ...

Entering the swimming pool, Aquinsky quickly undressed and, shuddering from a soft morning chill, carefully descended on a dark riding ladder to the water. The sun is light, just washed by predestrous dew, threw weak warm glare on the quiet, like a mirror, water.

Some kind of not completely wokeered midge sowing head took off over the water itself and, barely touching her wing, caused slow, lazy circles, quietly spread over the surface.

Aquinity tried a naked foot of the water temperature and pulled out, as if he had burned. He bought every day and every day half an hour was going with the Spirit, not deciding to rush into the cold transparent moisture ...

And just he looked away his breath and pulled his hands to ridiculously, jumping out the water bursts and someone else in the face of the female bathing.

Aquini stopped and looked left.

Because of the gray greenhouse, the female hand appeared at the partition below, then the head, and finally got a complete tall blonde in a blue bathing suit. Her beautiful white face from the cold has grown, and when she is strongly, male, waved his hand, the high magnificent chest showed out of the water, slightly covered with blue matter.

Aquini, looking at her, for some reason sighed, sighed with his naked hand eaten a beard and said himself:

This is the wife of our customs member bathes. You are what suit! I read that abroad, in some kind of riviere, and women, and men bathe together ... well, a thing!

When he, bothering, pulled to the skinny legs of the pantalon, thought:

"Well, well ... say, bathe together ... And how to undress how? So, nevertheless, no matter how much you need two rooms. Move too! "

Having come to the service in customs, after the usual one in the warehouse, he sat down on a box from under tea and, asking from the colleague of Notkin, a cigarette, with pleasure pulled out a bad smoke smoke ...

I am bought today, Notkin, in the morning and I look - from a female bathing our dick of Tarasikha swims ... Well, I think, I will see me and my husband will say ... laughter! It was very close. But abroad, in Riviera, they say, men and women are bathed together ... Gee! .. To go!

When, after half an hour after this conversation, Notkin drank in the archive with stationery vodka, then putting a piece of ham on a hunk of bread, said it was not referring to anyone:

That's it! Akvinsky today with the wife of our member of Tarasov in the river was bought ... He said that in some kind of Riviera, all together - and men and women bathe. Says - I will go to Riviera. You will go, how ... it is necessary for this money, a dove!

From what! - Warehouse Nibelung intervened. - He has aunt, they say rich; Maybe the aunt take ...

Secretary's steps were heard, and the entire snacking company, like mice, was shattered in different directions.

And at dinner, the freight forwarder, pouring a borsch in a plate, spoke to his wife, a little, dry woman with spiny eyes and blue housing hands:

Now what are you doing, Petrovna, we have in customs! Akvinsky, so that he was empty, she gathered to hell on her kulichki in the rivier to go and savory wovers with him ... Money for aunt takes! And Tarasiha has bathed with him today and told him that he was accepted abroad ... Hehe!

Ah, shameless! - Chastely feared Petrovna. - Well, we would go away, and then - Nako, there are debauchery here! Only where to him with her ... She is a healthy woman, and he is so - pah!

The next day, when the maid of Tarasovy, who lived near Puttueva came to Petrovna, ask in neighboring irons for the launches, the soul of Mrs. Pratseva could not stand:

This is what, the riviera glazed skirts needed?

Oh, what are you! Words are! - grinned, shouting his eyes, the maid, who won the phrase Petrovna completely in an unknown way.

Well yes! I suppose you, yes, not to know ...

She silently silently.

Ehma, the dullness of Babi is our ... And what did she find in it?

Maid, still not understood what was the matter, he pushed his eyes ...

Yes, your Marya Grigorievna is good, nothing to say! With a warehouse rat Akvinsky sniffed! Good lovers! Yes-s. They agreed into some kind of foolish riviere on a bathing run, and the money of the aunt it was getting closer ... I'll get like! Skrats the aunt for money, that's all!

The maid splashed his hands:

Is it true, Anice Petrovna?

I will lie to you. The whole city is fucked about it.

Oh, horror!

The maid clearer, forgot about the irons, rushed home and on the threshold of the kitchen faced with a member of the customs, who was without a surpetuka and a vest in a glass of water for the canary.

What is with you, Miktris Kirtubaevna? "Saying the eyes and taking the maid for a chubby elbow, a Tarasov was missing. - You are so flying, as if you save from the ghosts of your emulsioned fans ...

Leave! - snapped the maid, not particularly ceremony during these random T? TE-A-T? TE. Here: A dates alone (Fr.). - Alternatively, you will not give a pass! .. It would be better if the ladies looked stronger than her hands ...

A chubby calm-minded person of the Customs member acquired a completely different expression.

Mr. Tarasov belonged to the well-known type of husbands that would not miss any pretty well, so as not to pinch her, yawning at the same time in the wife of his wife to dislocation of the jaws and trying to replace the homely focus with the inevitable screw or Chemin de Fer'om. Railway (Fr.).

But, taking into account some hint of marital infidelity, these meek, innocuous people turn into Othello with those features and deviations from this type, which are imposed on with dust offices and pretays.

Tarasov dropped the cup with water and again grabbed the maid for the elbow, but in the otherwise.

What? What do you say, p-plit? Repeat-ka? !!

Frightened by this unexpected transformation of a member of the customs, the maid was gladly blinked with her eyes and feared:

Barin, Pavel Efimovich, here's a cross, I have nothing to do with it! My business side! And how the whole city already says, so that after what I was not ... would say - you helped! And I as before the Lord! ..

Tarasov drank water from the jug, which was standing on the table, and, having fucked his head, said:

Tell me: Who, how and when? ..

The maid was followed by the soil.

Yes, everything with the same ... druming! Fyodor Ivanovich, that last year she brought you a gift ... So crayfish! And how are they deftly ... Already everything is persuasive: he is aunt's money from the chest - Evonna's aunt is rich, - and together will go to the Rivier somewhere ... Stremid, Sless, what! We must think tomorrow with the evening train and move, doves! ..

* * *

Sitting at the riding table a few steps away from his dog booth, the challenge of the tea-scattering department Akvinsky wrote something, bowing his head and lovingly with every word.

The tree under which there was a table, ironically peeped with dust branches, and the lights of light slid along the table, paper and the gray head of Aquinas ... The beard of him, as if glued, moved from the wind, and the general appearance seemed exhausted and sluggish.

It seemed that someone had a negligence forgotten to spend off the right thing - Aquinas - Narathtalin and folded on the summer in the chest ... Mol and Rone Aquinsky.

He wrote:

"Cute aunt! I dare to notify you that I am in a complete perplexity ... For what? I'm asking you. However, I transmit, as it was ... Yesterday, the WORK Sychevoy said yesterday, coming to my table that I was demanded by a member of the customs Mr. Tarasov, the one that I last year from the diligence broke the hundreds of cancers. I went, not thinking anything, and imagine, he spent so many strange and terrible things that I didn't understand anything ... first says: "You, - says, - Aquinsky, seems to be going to Riviera?" - "No No" - I answer ... And he screams: "So here's how !!! Do not lie! You, - Say, - Patched the most sacred laws of nature and marriage! You are the edges of the fuck !! You broke into a normal focus and produced a whirlpool, in which - I warn you - you will also choose !! "Awful these scientists say foggy ... Then about you, aunty ..." You, - "Says, - Your aunt threamed robbery ... Your old aunt And this is ashamed! immoral !! "Where could he find out that I was not sending you the usual ten rubles for the second month for maintenance? As I already explained to you - it happened because I paid for the cottage forward for all summer. Tomorrow I will try to send you immediately in two months. But still - I do not understand. It's a shame! So I am now fired from service ... And for what? Some foundations, whirlpool ... about the same family life, what he said, so it's completely incomprehensible! As you know, aunty, I am not married ... "

Trip to Theater.

A dexterous, graceful movement of Kolya Daggers raised the leaser of Milovidov to the tram site, and then, after her, he also jumped himself gracefully.

Kolya daggers that evening felt in a special blow. He was in a new tuxedo, lacquer boots purchased by an extremely successful case, and now drove with lesce in the theater, which promised him many impressions, beautiful and exciting interesting things.

Pardon-C, Pardon-C, - politely, but firmly said he stood in the public pass, - let the lady go ahead!

In his mind he was already brewing a witty joke, which he will say, receiving a ticket from the conductor. It should have launched a leaser, and, having sleeved, she would be even more closest to his shoulder and an even softer look would look at him, a strong and clever Kolya Dagger ...

Gentlemen, sorry! Let the lady go ahead and, for God's sake, do not pushe.

The car unexpectedly stopped.

Having made a frightened face, Kolya Daggers shaken, spread his hands, jumped and sat down on his knees to some kind of dormant man in a fur jacket, prestructing his leg.

Mr. was fixed, pledged a stroke and sternly said:

And for your devils to take! Bear!!

The heart of Kolya Kinjov was silent and failed somewhere far away ...

He immediately, with terrifying clarity, felt that now, after this insult, something terrible should happen, such an inevitable and this is no longer corrected, after which their trip, theater, a new tuxedo, purchased according to extremely successful The case of lacquer shoes and even the lyschie Milovidov itself is his first bullish love.

He left the hand of Lizochka, wrapped his face with heat to Mr. in a fur jacket and a subtle, broken voice, feeling behind the leaser, cried:

That is ... Who is the Bear?!

You are a bear, devils would be broken! With my paw, you completely spat my leg in my pellets!

"Now you have to hit, - I feverily flashed in the head of Kolya Kinjov. - Fist or palm? The palm is better because it is considered slapper ... noble and offensive ... "

Kolya took her right hand out of his pocket and said a trembling voice:

If you dare to insult, then I ... dare to fight !! I'll show you now.

Immediately Kolya regretted that he did not hit his opponent at once: in such cases, they usually do not speak.

You will find out how to insult !!

Mr. jumped, moved to Kolya, and Kolya immediately saw that Mr. Above his whole head ...

For such insults, they beat ... - the painful whisper broke out from Kolya.

Is it really? - Ironically handed over, unbuttoning a fur jacket. - Is it really? And what if I am a weeter now your red ears and drink you under the bench like a lousy bunny! BUT?!

Someone from the public, with the pleasure of the wait for the start of the fight, laughed.

The master in the dragged Shapchonka enthusiassed himself in his stomach and screamed:

Bear, brothers!

True artist - he was interested in not the result of the case, but his process ...

Two calling patches ranked in the ears of Kolya Dagger unforgettable words for all life:

Red sponsors ... Library bunny ...

Falling into the abyss, Kolya, he himself is not knowing for what, grabbed Mr. Hand and plaintively swallowed:

No ... I will not leave this ...

But he is already strange, it got tiredly, with an offensive indifference yawned in the face of his face, and casually turned to the conductor:

Storey soon?

Now stop.

Mr shakeped his hand with himself and, having mastered, headed for the exit.

Clinging to the fur jacket, Kolya walked behind the leaving and crying voice, losing the rest of the knighthood on the road:

No, you will not go so ... you insulted me ...

HY !! - Threatenly turned into one. - What do you need?!

You swear, you insulted me, good ...

By one hand, Kolya kept the master for the sleeve, and the other clumsily shaky in a tuxedo woven her fingers.

Yeah ... Here! If you are a decent person!

Kolya took out a card and filed her Mr. in a fur jacket. The feeling of something unbearably shameful and bad began to disappear, giving way to the consciousness that now Kolya thinks and acts as a decisive person and a gentleman with solid rules.

What is this comedy?

This is not a comedy ... This is my card, with which I call you to the duel!

On Due El?!

Mr., not read, sank the card on the fingers of his left hand, crumpled the card, threw a card on the floor, said loudly and separately:

And went to the ground, cleverly jumped off the steps, even before stopping the car.

Kolya moved after him and, jerking over the railing, shouted:

And what, frightened, rascal?! Something! And then I would turn your roll curves! Coward, coward, scoundrel !!

Strange: Kolya Daggers did, it seems, everything that has relied in a decent person, but he returned to lecker with a strange and unpleasant feeling of carved person ...

And she met him strangely: he retired her hand and said nervously:

Sit down! .. WON free space.

We drove silently.

Kohl went to her lips, swallowed a rich saliva and gently began:

His happiness that died! .. And then ...

Then she slowly smiled:

I was in me in Yalta, too, a similar case, only with the more sad for the person outcome ... I also sit down the same thing in the tram and, imagine ...

Kolya spoke on purposely loudly to hear him and an outsider.

I sit in the tram and, imagine ...

Neighbor Liza, retired military, smiled and said, turning more than Lisa:

It is a pity that there is no tram in Yalta!

The enthusiastic master has shocked. They grinned others.

Kohl tilt his head and began to fasten the coat button already fastened.

That is, do not tram ... And this one ... like his ...

Airship? - suggested by some of the corner. Lizochka walkedly looked around. Kolya forcibly smiled and joked:

Well ... You still say: Balloon! Yes ... I sit in the diligence, and he will be pushing me! "Apologize!" - "I do not wish." - "apologize!" - "I do not wish." - "Yeah ... you do not want?" Grabbed it yes in the locked window - fuck! - And threw out. Twelve rubles later recovered from me for broken glass! Hehehehe ...

All confusedly silent.

The fat merchant, the neighbor if, coughed and, leaning, flattened. The spit described the semicircle, got on the lacquered boot of Kolya and froze on it.

Lizochka saw it and noticed that she saw Kolya. Kohl, in turn, felt that Lisochka knows the shameful state of his shoe, but instead of demand from a merchant apologies, he slowly pushed his foot under the bench and sullenly, viciously said:

And then there was such a funny case with me ...

All right, let's go, - nervously jumped up the leaser. - To go here.

* * *

Kolya Daggers and Lizachka, crumpled under the small rain, silently went to the theater.

Kolya hated the theater, and shoes, and ledge, and himself - mostly herself.

From behind, someone sidelled.

The wet master suddenly jumped out of darkness near the electric lamp and, approaching the coola, indignantly and contemptuously poked his finger into his cheek.

Oh you! Chicken ... There ... Why didn't you whistled him in the ear? Intelligents!

An offended master sighed and disappeared into darkness.

And Kolya is obscured by the shoulder about the electric pillar and, not embarrassed by the presence of the leaser, silently cried.

Mr. editor, "the visitor told me, embarrassed his eyes to his shoes," I am very conspicable that I worry you. When I think that you take a moment of precious time, my thoughts will be plunged into the bay of gloomy despair ... Forgive me, forgive me!

Nothing, nothing, I said affectionately, - do not apologize.

He sadly got his head on his chest.

No, what's so ... I know that I worked for you. For me, not accustomed to be annoying, it is doubly hard.

Yes, you feel free! I am very happy. Unfortunately, only your poxes did not fit.

Razing his mouth, he looked at me amazeled.

These poems did not come up ??!

Yes Yes. These are the most.

These rhymes ?? !! Starting:

I would like her black curl

Every morning scratch

And so that Apollo was not angry,

Her values \u200b\u200bkiss ...

These poems, tell you, will not go?!

Unfortunately, I must say that these verses will not go, and not any others. It is native words:

I would like her black curl ...

Why, Mr. editor? After all, they are good.

I agree. Personally, I am very happy, but ... they are not suitable for the magazine.

Yes, you would read them again!

Why? After all, I read.

More!

I have read the visitor to the visitor yet and expressed the admiration for one half of the face, and the other is regret that the poems are still not suitable.

GM ... then let them ... I read! "I wish her black curl ..."

I patiently listened to these verses again, but then firmly and dryly said:

Poems are not suitable.

Surprisingly. You know what: I will leave you a manuscript, and you after read into it. Suddenly yes suit.

No, why leave?!

Right, leave. Would you consult with someone, eh?

Do not. Leave them at yourself.

I am desperate that we take a second time for you, but ...

Goodbye!

He left, and I took the book that I read before. Running it, I saw a piece of paper laid between the pages. Read:

I would like her black curl

Every morning scratch

And, so that the apoll was not angry ...

Oh, damn it! I forgot my beliebend ... it will be again! Nikolai! Catch up with that man that I was with me, and give him this paper.

Nikolay rushed after the poet and successfully fulfilled my order.

At five o'clock I went home to dine.

Paying with the cab, put his hand in a coat pocket and groped there some kind of piece of paper, it is not known as in his pocket.

Took out, turned and read:

I would like her black curl

Every morning scratch

And so that Apollo was not angry,

Her values \u200b\u200bkiss ...

Before this thing got into my pocket, I shrugged, threw it onto the sidewalk and went to dinner.

When the maid made a soup, then, to have, approached me and said:

The kitchen was chumbowed on the floor of the kitchen with a written paper. Maybe necessary.

I took a piece of paper and read:

- "I wish her black lo ..." I do not understand anything! Are you saying in the kitchen, on the floor? Damn him knows ... Somemother!

I broast the strange poems in the shreds and in a bad mood sat down to dine.

What are you so thoughtful? - asked the wife.

I would like her black lo ... fu you, damn !! Nothing, honey. I'm tired.

Behind the dessert in the front called and called me ... The doors stood a Swiss and mysteriously manil me with his finger.

What?

TC ... Letter to you! Veneered to say that from one young lady ... that he is very, they say, they hope for you and that you will satisfy their expectations! ..

The Swiss winks friendly me and giggled in a fist.

In bewilderment, I took the letter and examined it. It smelled of spirits, was sealed with a pink saucer, and when I, shrugged, printed it, there was a piece of paper on which it was written:

"I wish her black curl ..."

All from the first to the last line.

In rabies, I broast the letter in the shreds and threw it on the floor. Because of my back, the wife was put forward and in ominous silence picked up several scraps of the letter.

Who is it from?

Throw! This is so ... nonsense. One very annoying person.

Yes? And what is it written here? .. GM ... "Kissing" ... "Morning Morning" ... "Black ... Lokon ..." Scounding!

In my face flew a blind letter. It was not particularly painful, but insult.

Since dinner was spoiled, I got dressed and sad, went to wander through the streets. At the corner, I noticed near my boy, who was spoiled at my legs, trying to bump into the pocket of a coat something white, folded into a lump. I gave him Tumaka and having gristed my teeth, ran away.

The soul was sad. I remember on the noisy streets, I returned home and on the threshold of the front door faced with a nannik, who returned with a four-year voltage from cinema.

Daddy! - Joyfully shouted Volodya. - My uncle kept on my arms! An unfamiliar ... gave a chocolate ... a paperman gave ... Say, says dad. I, daddy, ate chocolate, and brought you a paperman.

I am carved you, "I shouted viciously, pulling out a piece of paper with my friends from his hand:" I wish her black curl, "... - You will know! ..

The wife met me dismissively and with contempt, but still found it necessary to inform:

There was one lord here without you. Very apologized for the concern that brought the manuscript to the house. He left her for reading. I talked to me a lot of compliments - this is a real person who knows how to appreciate what others do not appreciate, changing this "that" on sales creatures, - and asked to fold the word for his poems. In my opinion, well, poems like poems ... ah! When he read about curls, I looked at me ...

I shrugged and went to the office. On the table lay a friend to me the desire of the author kiss someone's Vlasi. This desire I discovered in a box with cigars, which was standing on the shelf. Then this desire was found inside the cold chicken, which was condemned to serve us with dinner. How this desire got there, the kitchen could not explain to the cook.

The desire to scratch someone's Vlasi was seeing me and then when I threw back the blanket in order to go to bed. I corrected the pillow. It fell out the same desire.

* * *

In the morning after a sleepless night, I got up and, taking the shoes cleaned with a cook, tried to pull them on my feet, but I could not, because in each I was lying in the idiotic desire to kiss someone's Vlasi.

I went to the office and, Sev Khorsh, wrote a letter to the publisher with a request to release me from editorial duties.

The letter had to rewrite, because, folding it, I noticed a familiar handwriting on the back:

"I wish her black curl ..."

Scary man

In one transport office (transportation and insurement of goods) served as an assistant to the bill of interest to Matvey Petrovich Chemists.

Outside it was a man of small growth, with curves of legs, pale, dirty color with eyes and big red hands. The reddish vegetation resembled a rare moss, a whip covering some northern rock, and the chest was so awesome that only the ribs were interfered with the back of her back, which resulted in the Boca Chemik with such persistence, which characterizes the ribs of all skinny people.

It was outside. And inside Chemiks had the heart of a noble killer, the aristocrat of the Spirit and the seductifier of beautiful women. Some of the lost soul of the knight of the previous time, mined the funds to the life of a sword, and the location of the Spirit - the love of women, came to Chemik and settled in it, preventing the unfortunate assistant to the account to live as thousands of other assistants of the account.

Chemikova was dreamed by strange adventures, a mad horse riding under the moonlight, shooting of muskets, robbery of passages of diligences, a dark tavern, filled with suspicious personalities with oversized hats and some beauties whom chemists always gearly touched by their youth and tears. At the same time, Chemikov shouted from another table:

One place of households. Write a receipt, two pounds three pounds.

Chemists wrote a receipt, but when classes in the office ended, he threw a long raincoat on his shoulders, having fallen into his eyes a wide-grade hat and, looking around, walked down the street, similar on a strange, stupid type of robber.

Under the cloak, he always held a dagger just in case, and if on the way, an attack was made on his way, the assistant of the bill would have walked a terrible, sinister laugh and would not have a dagger in his chest rascal on the handle.

But or the villains were not up to him, or the crowded streets, according to which he proudly walked, causing universal surprise, did not conclude that varieties of villains, which are attacked among the darkness of the people to the travelers.

Chemists successfully traveled home, with a disgust eaten dinner of two dishes with eternal kissel to sweet. Because of lunch, he had an eternal, stubborn struggle with his mistress.

I do not want your soup with a bit, "he said offended. - Would you never ever give me a simple scrambled eggs, a piece of meat fried on a spit and a good sip of wine?

He dreamed about fried on a spit and the scrambled eggs for a long time, but a stupid mistress did not understand his ideals, justifying the unrealism of such a menu.

He wanted to do so.

Eat by having granted a hat, meat, drink a good sip of wine, wrap in a raincoat and lie on the carpet by the bed to sleep before evening adventures.

But, if the meat and other meat was fried on the spit, the spectacular holiday in a raincoat on the floor did not make sense, and the assistant invoice went to evening adventures without it.

Evening adventures consisted that chemists took his eternal dagger, hung up in a raincoat and walked, looking around, in the tavern "Black Swan".

He chose this tavern because he really liked his name "Black Swan", which was gathered there to scum a population of the city and that low, wiggled restaurant rooms had a different kind of dreams about adventures.

Chemists made their way to the distant corner, sat down, dramatically in his cloak, and tried to sparkle with his eyes from under their hats.

And he always mysteriously looked around, although no one watched him and few people were interested in this little figurine in the theater black raincoat and a hat, with dusty eyes, who did not get soverees, despite the heroic efforts of their owner.

Sit down, the assistant of the bill clapped his hands and shouted with a broken voice:

Hey, boy, call me an innumerary! What is he there?

They are not-s, "said the servant usually. - They rarely come. What do you need? I can file.

Give me beer, just not in a bottle, but I pour into some pitcher. Yes, orders there a cook to roast a good scrambled eggs. Haha! - He laughed rudely, clapping his pocket. - Old Matvey wants to take a walk today: he made a chearny dolza today.

The servant was in amazement looked at him and then, having accepted the previous apathetic appearance, she walked the scrambled eggs.

Khikov "Delza" was that he sold some of the merchants-clients with wooden oil on his commission, but it seemed that the three rubles earned by chemicals were sprinkled with blood robbed night travelers.

When the scrambled eggs and beer were brought, he took a pitcher, looked at his light and sorted with a view of a note head:

Good beer! There is something to wash the throat.

And at that time, he, little, thin, forgot about the office, "home places" and receipts, sitting under his huge hat and destroying a good scrambled eggs, in full confidence that everyone is looking at him with some fear and superstitious respect.

The urban Gollytba was noisy around him, he thought: "It would be nice to score a mother in forty and look horror on all the surroundings. Who will ask with fear, stands at the chapter? You do not know? Old Matvey. This is a terrible person! Then the princess is some steal ... "

He smoked under a cloak located there between the folds of the dagger and, having found, convulsively squeezed the handle.

Having finished with the scrambled eggs and beer, I paid it, carelessly threw a servant for tea and, dramatically in a raincoat, was removed.

"It would be nice," he thought, "the horse was tied at the restaurant's doors. I would jump and row. "

And the assistant of the bill was felt such a tide of the courage, which could go to the robbery, murder, theft, but certainly a rich man ("I would have given these money to the needy").

If the path came across a beggar, chemists took a silver coin from his pocket (despite the poverty of the budget, he would never take out a copper coin) and, throwing it with a Bar district gesture, said:

Here ... Take yourself.

At the same time, he threw a coin to the ground, which delivered large hasslets and caused tedious searches, but Chemists understood the charity only with the help of this spectacular gesture, never giving a coin in his hand begging.

The assistant account was only one friend - the son of the apartment hostess of Motka, in the eyes of which once the horror was frozen and worship before the assistant bill.

He was nine years old. Every evening he was looking forward to that minute when chemists, returned from the restaurant, he knocks on his mother to the door and cry:

Motya! Want to me?

Filling from fear and curiosity, Motka timidly entered the room of Cheikov and sat in a corner.

Chemists in thought walked from the corner into the corner, without removing his raincoat, and finally stopped before Motka.

Well, the test ... There was a hot business today.

It was? - asked Motka, trembling with all the body.

Chemists were sinister laughed, shook his head and, drove out the dagger out of his pocket, did the kind that she washing the blood from him.

Yes, brother ... A deck of one plucked alone. Gold was a bit, but silk fabrics, a brocade - a miracle what.

And what did you come with a merchant? - quietly asked pale Motka.

Merchant? Haha! If he had not resisted, I would probably let him go. But this scoundrel laid the best of my wellms - Lorento, and I, ha ha, pushed with him!

Shouting? - Motka asked the dying whisper, feeling the hair quietly move on his head.

Did not get rid. No, that's what ... This is a fun comparatively with the old work of Monmodia.

What ... Old women? - Clamping to the stove, asked Motka.

Was, brother, such an old woman ... My well done was put on that she was found in the money. Good-s ... We poisoned her dogs, one of my whips drove the old servant of this witch and opened the doors to us ... but somehow the policemen pronouli. Haha! That was fun! I laid four ... well, and I got! Two weeks, my well done I was taught in the ravine.

Motka looked at the assistant bill with eyes, full of love and a grateful worship, and whispered with dry lips:

And how much ... are you generally a man ... put?

Chemists thought:

Man ... twenty - twenty five. I do not remember right. What?

I feel sorry for you that you will be on the light of the boiler ...

Chemists wink and beat himself with fists on thin thras.

Nothing, brother, but here I am here, in this world, I will surhole ... And then you can repent before death. I will give all your condition for monasteries and I will go Bosa to Jerusalem ...

Chemists dressed in a raincoat and gloomy stepped out of the corner.

Show me again your dagger, - asked Motka.

Here he is, an old friend, "Chemists revived, taking out the dagger from under the cloak. - I often quench his thirst. Haha! He loves fresh meat ... ha ha!

And he, ominous spinner by the dagger, looked around, throwing the end of a raincoat on his shoulder and thin my finger pointed to Rust, speaking on a blade from dampness and sweaty hands.

Then chemists said:

Well, Motya, I'm tired after all these plains. Lang to sleep.

And, having wrapped in a raincoat, went to bed, small, pale, on the root of the bed.

Why do you prefer the floor? - respectfully asked Motka.

Uh, brother! We must get used to ... it is still good. After nights in the swamps or on the branches of the trees it is a royal bed.

And he, without waiting for the care of Motki, fell asleep heavy sleep.

Motka was sitting beside him for a long time, looking with love and fear of scoopped face covered with red hair.

And doubly terrible seemed to him that all chemists were so small, pitiful and insignificant. And that under this insignificance hid a dangerous killer, an adventure seeker and a gambling bone player.

After watching the face of the sleeping assistant to the bill, the Motka thoughtfully covered him over the rainer, quickened the lamp and tiptoe, trying not to disturb the heavy sleep of the murderer, went to herself.

Assistant account of chemists, a noble adventurer, a knight and an adventure seeker, all the soul attached to the departed to the eternity - wrapped in taverns, attacks on the diligeans and the workshop of daggers, "fell in love.

His ideal is pale, a slim countess sitting on a goat in an old Barsky house - found an incarnation in the girl without certain classes - Polina Kozlova, if sometimes pale, then not from noble origin, but from the sleepless nights held by her not quite according to The code of ordinary virtue.

Once, when wildly picturesque chemists stepped by Arsh, decisive steps on the street, packed into his eternal cloak and covered on top of a monstrous hat, he heard a conversation ahead:

Very even it is not inactive to pested unfamiliar girls.

Sudaria, Marusya ... I am sure that such a charming creature can be referred to only Marusi ... Marusya! Do not make a chord into dissonance our fleeting meeting. Let me be spent by me. Where do you live?

You wanted what they wanted. I will never tell you, at least you spent me to home at the Moscow street, the number seven ... oh what I said! I seem to say ... no, forget, forget what I told you!

The listening of chemists considered the most ungiven cause, but when this conversation came to him, his courageous heart was filled with compassion to pursued and mad indignation against the vile pursuer.

Your Majesty! - He thundered, approaching Donjuan and looking at him from below. - Leave this defenseless girl, or you will deal with me!

A defenseless girl with some displeasure looked at the courageous Cheika, and her cavalier angry handed over her hand and shouted:

Who are you, devils to you?

Round! I am the one that Providence found it necessary to send a minute into a critical for this. Protect!

The enemy of Chemik, huge, thick blond, squeezed his fist, but the look of a little cheeka, madly twisted at his feet with a dagger in his hand, made him retreat.

H-Damn z-knows what it is, "he murmured, bouncing from a pale thin hand, which madly drawn the dagger around him intricate circles and eights. "Damn knows ... I don't understand again ..." blond was swolied with a spooler and became fast steps to remove from Cheikov, who remained near the maiden.

Sudar, - said Chemists, taking his black strange hat and lowering it to the earth itself. - I apologize if your ear was offended by several rude words, to pronounce me forced me. Haha! - I missed chemists. - The guy is obviously afraid of the smell of blood and deftly avoided the little blood oh ... ha ha ha!

Who are you? Asked Polyna Kozlov's amazed, inspecting Chemik.

Chemikov was embarrassed to say that his surname of Chemiks and that he serves as an assistant to an account in the transport office. He lowered his head, threw the end of the raincoat on the shoulder and, as if having shook something, said:

Someday ... When it is possible, a man with a black beard will appear to you, will show this dagger and tell you who I ... while ... Sudny, do not forget that this city is terrible. He is tatting completely unknown dangers, and you need to have my animal trick and agility to avoid them. But you ... how your elderly parents risk let you go to this terrible night ... You will not find it convenient to intelligence to give me a gracious permission to offer you to your home.

Well, it is possible, "Polina Kozlova grinned.

Chemists took the girl under his arm and, fiercely looking at the oncoming passers-by, carefully led her down the street. After a hundred steps, he already found out that his companion had no parents and that she was named after - Polina Kozlov.

So young and, alas, defenseless, whispered chemists, touched by her story. - Sorrow about the loss of your respectable parents is mixed in my soul with a sweet hope to be something useful to you and take on your chest to the blows of evil intrigue and misfortunes ...

Ride me on the car, "the girl said, pike to Cheik's eyes.

In their convictions, chemists hated cars, preferring to them old good diligeans. But the desire of a woman was a law for him.

Madam, your hand ...

They rode for a long time, and then the girl was hungry and stated that he wanted to a restaurant.

Chemists did not objected to her a word, but I decided to ourselves that if he had no money in the restaurant, he would come out in the front and there he mounted a dagger. Let the rake mystery hang over it better than the proseal refusal in dinner. In the restaurant's office, the girl corrected the broken hairstyle, went to Chemikov and, Sev Khvali on his thin, wrong knees, kissed the assistant to the cheek.

The heart of Cheikov fluttered and cut off.

Court ... Polina. BB ... You ... me ... loved! Oh, let this unexpectedly broken passion be the key to my desire to devote you from now on my life.

Give a cigarette, - asked Polina, smoothing his rare red hair.

Graceful chalunya! Frightened orphans! - Chemists exclaimed in Ecstasy and pressed the girl to his chest.

After the dinner, Chemiks spent Polina home, at the entrance of her house took off his hat, low, respectfully bowed and, kissed his hand, retired, packed into his long raincoat.

A confused girl was surprised to look after him, smiled and said:

Today I sleep alone.

It was the rarest and curious case in her life.

Chemists heal a strange life.

Transport office, Tavern "Black Swan", kind jar of beer - all this was absorbed by a young poetic feeling, tanned in his skinny chest.

He often met with Polina and, knightly polite, slavish performed all the whims of the girl, very loved cars and theatrical ideas. The debts of an ominous adventurerist grew up with dizzying speed, and a number of prosaic troubles fell on his poor head. In the office began to mow at his negligence in the Scriptures of the receipts and the eternal requests of the salaries forward. The hostess ceased to receive an apartment and almost did not feed the withered of the passion and deprivation of Chemik.

And chemists, hungry, devoid of even "good scatteries" in the Tractor "Black Swan", waited with a look of the evening when you could throw a raincoat and, capturing the dagger and a mask (the mask appeared at the very last time as a love attack attribute), go on a date .

Polina Kozlova was a bad girl.

Chemikov changed - he did not notice it. We laughed at Chemikov - he considered it the original expression of love, Chemik was ruined - he was too poetic in kind to pay attention to it ...

And there was a wreck.

As any adventurist, chemikov is most expensive than all his weapons, and chemists coast the dagger as a Zenitsa Oka. But once Polina said:

Bring the confect tomorrow.

And razoring chemists as another day without hesitation wrapped the dagger into the paper and carried his merchant ancient things.

What is it? - asked the surprised trader.

Dagger. This is my old friend who served me not one service, "chemists said sadly, placing in a raincoat.

This is a simple knife for cutting books, not a dagger, "the merchant smiled. - What makes you think that he dagger? These can be bought for seven hryvnia anywhere. Even newer, not rusted.

Amazed chemists took his dagger and walked home. In his head, his thought flashed that today it is possible to polish not to go, and tomorrow I say that a strange adventure happened to him: some unknown people kidnapped him, took him into the carriage and held the day in the mysterious dungeon.

And the other day, since the question of conflexes was not resolved, Chemists decided to rob someone on the street.

He decided it without any hesitation and doubt. To rob a rich man, he considered not a shameful matter at all, standing on the point of view of the knights of the past centuries, not particularly legible in difficult issues of morality.

He immediately decided if he robs a large amount, to give the surplus to the poor.

Flooded in a raincoat, with a dagger in his hand, chemists at the same evening went to the streets of the city, looking around the sides.

Everything was as follows. The wind ripped the floors of his raincoat, the moon hid behind the clouds, and there were a little passers-by. Chemists plucked in some kind of walls of the wall and waited.

The walker steps in the deserted street were announced by the assistant billing about the production approximation. The lord appeared in the distance, dressed in an expensive coat and a glossy cylinder. Chemists convulsively squeezed the dagger, slipped out of the ambush and appeared - small, in a huge hat, like a monstrous mushroom, - before passersby.

Ha ha ha! - he walked terrible laughter. - Is there no money?

Poor! - compassionately said Mr., suspending. - In such a cold night, ask alms ... it is terrible. There is a dirty, go, heated!

Chemists snapped into a fist sufficient in his hand a diogrivnaya and, feverishly knocking his teeth, went running down the street. He head was spinning, and so strange the ending robbery filled the heart of the offense. Black, a strange bird, he carried on the street, and the wind, like wings, slapped the floors of his raincoat and blurred an amazing assistant to an account.

Chemists lay on his wretched bed, looking at the stood at the ceiling.

Near him was sitting by the unusable master's son of Motka and, with tears on a dirty face, stroked the pale hand of Cheikov.

Yes ... Brother ... Motya, "chemists winked upon him," I sinned a lot in my century, and now the payback.

Mom said that, maybe, do not die, - tried to delight the terrible bill of Motka.

No, brother ... Lightly, branched, presented blood pretty. Motya, I did not have friends except you. Want, I will give you that I am most expensive, is my dagger?

For a minute, Motkin's eyes flashed joy.

Thank you, Matvey Petrovich! I, too, when growing up, I will kill them.

Ha ha ha! - ominously laughed chemists. - Here he is, my heir and the successor of my business! Motya, wait for three people in rascoats to you, with rifles in your hands, - then start acting. Let the blood poured strong in defense of the weak.

He crossed the conversation and quiet.

Already a few times of Chemiks broke her head over the resolution of one question: what to tell him the last death words: there were many beautiful phrases, but they all did not like Chemik.

And he painfully thought.

Doctor and Motkin's mother bent over Chemikov.

Who is he? - A doctor asked in a whisper, looking at the huge hat hanging in the corner and cloak.

The doctor, "chemists said hardly, opening his eyes," you will not be able to penetrate my birth's secret. Ha ha ha!

He grabbed his chest and stuck:

The souls ruined with me argued before my eyes with a long string ... But I'll give me a response for them just before the throne of the mercy ... Single, Red Matvey!

People of four dimensions

Amazing they are funny! She said, smiling dreamily and scattered.

Not knowing whether the woman praises in such cases or believes, I replied, trying to be uncertain:

Quite right. - It is often possible to argue, not risking in a mistake.

Sometimes they mix me.

It's nice on their part, "I noticed carefully, intensifying it to understand.

You know, he is a real hotel.

Since so far we talked about an old-doctor, their home physician, then I, surprised by this strange property, objected:

I never could have thought!

She sighed.

Yes. And terrible to realize that you are in full power of such a person. Sometimes I regret that I got married for him. I am sure that he has a head of his head.

Oh, you talk about husband! But he ...

She looked at me in surprise.

The head is bombarding not her husband. He his himself raise.

Fallen, or what?

Well no. He missed her young man.

Since the last time the conversation about young people was about three weeks ago, "this young man", if she did not call the doctor, was, obviously, for me the person is completely unknown.

I looked at her helplessly and said:

As long as you do not explain the reasons for misfortune with a "young man", the fate of this stranger will be alien to my heart.

Oh, I forgot that you do not know this case! We walked three weeks ago with him from guests, you know, through Square. And he sat on the bench until we fell on the strip of electric light. Pale such, black-haired. These men are sometimes surprisingly reckless. On me then there was a big black hat that I was so to the face, and I was very diverted from walking. This madhouse looked at me carefully and suddenly, inserted from the bench, suits us. You understand - I am with my husband. This is madness. Young such. And the husband, as I already said, is a real hotel. Suitable, takes her husband for a sleeve. "Let me," says, smoke. " Alexander pulls his hand, faster lightning leans towards Earth and some bricks on his head - fuck! And the young man, like this very ... Sheaf, - falls. Horror!

Did he stayed him with any of them?

She shrugged.

I'm telling you - they are amazingly funny!

Run with her, I got out of the house and I ran into my husband on the corner.

Ba! Here is an unexpected meeting! What is it you and do not think?

And I will not seem, I joked. - They say you bricks break the head as Kalenny nuts.

He crushed.

Wife told? It is good that the brick turned up at hand. And then, - think, - I had a thousand one hundred and and a half with you, on my wife diamond earrings ...

I rejuvenated from him.

But ... what's the earrings here?

After all, he could with meat. Square is empty, and the wilderness is desperate.

Do you think this is a robber?

No, the attache of the French Embassy! Suitable in a blind spot person, asks to smoke and grabs his hand - it seems clear, it seems.

He was offended silently.

So you ... brick?

On the head. I didn't even squeak ... We also understand these things too.

You can't sleep for you! - I rang out my voice from behind.

I looked around and saw my friend, who did not see the week three.

Looking at him, I splashed my hands and could not resist the scream.

God! What happened to you?!

Today, only from the hospital came out, week.

But ... for God's sake! What were you sick?

He smiled weakly and asked in turn:

Tell me, you did not hear: in the last three weeks in our city there were no shoots from home insane?

I do not know. What?

Well ... there was no cases of attacking the fled crazy on peaceful passersby?

Hunting to you such a nonsense to be interested! .. Tell us better about yourself.

What! I was three weeks between life and death. Until now Scar.

I grabbed him by my hand and exclaimed with unexpected interest:

Are you talking - Scar? Three weeks ago? Did you sit then in the square?

Well yes. Did you probably read the newspaper? This is the most ridiculous case of my life ... I sit somehow warm, quiet in the evening in the square. Laziness, source. I want to smoke a cigarette, - damn it! No matches ... Well, I think, a kind soul will be held, "I will ask. Just next ten minutes, Mr. with the lady passes. I did not consider it - the face, it seems. But he smoked. I fell, I touch it most politely for the sleeve: "Let me smoke." And what do you think! This undented leans towards Earth, raises something - and I, with a broken head, without memory, I fly to the ground. Just think that this unhappy defenseless woman went with him, not even suspecting, it is likely that this is a bird.

I looked into his eyes and strictly asked:

You ... really think they dealt with crazy?

I am sure about that.

After an hour and a half, I feverly rummaged in the old rooms of the local newspaper and finally found what I needed. It was a small note in the chronicle of incidents: "under the alcohol couples. Yesterday morning, an unknown young man, who turned out to be a nobleman, who, in a strong intoxication, was noticed, who, being in a strong intoxication, fell on the Square path so unsuccessful that he broke his head as nearby brick. The mountain of unfortunate parents of this lost young man is not amenable to description ... "

I am now standing at the Cathedral Bell Tower, I look at the head of gray people moving along the street, reminiscent of ants who converge, disagree, face and again without any purpose and plan will be sprawling in all directions ...

And laugh, laughing.

The story of one picture

From exhibition meetings

Until now, at random meetings with modernists, I looked at them with some fear: it seemed to me that such an artist-modernist among the conversation or suddenly bite me by the shoulder, or asked.

But this strange feeling disappeared after the first nearest dating with such an artist.

He turned out to be a man of an extremely peaceful nature and a gentleman, albeit with an admixture of shameless Lganya.

I was then on one of the picture shows, the season of which is now in full swing, - and spent the second half hour to contempted the strange painting with me. This picture did not excite a fun mood in me ... Through everything the canvas walked the yellow strip, on one side of which small stools of black color were set. The same swirls, but purple, pleasantly diversified the tone at the bottom of the paintings. On the side hung the sun, which would be a very thorough astronomical luminarity, if it were not unilateral and more than a blue color.

The first assumption that flashed in me when looking at this picture is that you have a sea view. But black stokers from above destroyed this assumption the most ruthless way.

"E! - I said myself. - The dexted artist simply portrayed the inside of the Norman hut ... "

But the unilateral sun of all his species and position denied this simple version.

I tried to look at the picture in a fist: the impression was concentrated, and an amazing picture was still incomprehensible ...

I went to the cunning - I firmly clouted my eyes and then, swallowing my head, immediately opened them ...

The unilateral sun is still bubbled by the convex side and the rustling of tedious resistance hung - each in its place.

Near me, I am spoiled for a minute of ten unfamiliar young Mr. with a greenish face and such a wide tie that I had to keep away from him all the time. The young gentleman looked into my face, twisted his shoulder and generally expressed the most pleasure about all his surrounding.

Hell! - I grumbled, finally losing patience. - I would like to know the author of this picture ... I would ...

The young gentleman joyfully threw his head.

Truth? Do you like the picture?! I am very glad that you cannot break away from it. Others swear, and you ... let me shake your hand.

Who are you? - I dug away.

Yes, ... Tell me, I got sternly to him. - What it is?

It? Lord God is my ... "Fourteenth violin Sonata Beethoven, Eighteenth Opus." The easiest Sonata.

I once again carefully examined the picture.

Are you saying eighteenth? I asked gloomily.

Yes, eighteenth.

Did you confuse? Is this a fifth Sonata Beethoven, the twenty-fourth opus?

He turned pale.

N-no ... As far as I remember, it is the fourteenth sonata.

I looked incredulously on his green face.

Explain to me ... What changes did you do if you had to remake this item of the empty two above? .. Or pull even the sixth sonata ... And? What are you with you, a young man, shy? What do you think?

He wanted.

So it is impossible ... You enter the mathematical start in the mood ... This is a product of my personal experience! Come to this as the fourteenth sonate.

I smiled sadly.

Unfortunately, it is difficult for me to fulfill your offer ... Oh is very difficult! Fourteenth sonata I will not see.

Why?!!

Because they are only ten. Viypical Sonatat Beethoven, unfortunately, ten times. The old man was a relative entity.

What do you love to me?! So, this thing was not played on the violin, but on the cello! .. That's all! At high notes ... I worried.

The old man seemed to be aimed at building you a goat ... Cello Sonatol only six and compressed.

My interlocutor, leaving, stood, lowering his head, and discovered from the statue of a piece of gypsum.

No need to spoil the statues, "I asked.

He sighed.

He had such a kind that I was complicated over a lost impressionist.

You know ... Let it remain between us. But provided if you give me the word to correct and start leading a new honest life. You will not expose such paintings, and I will pose about your experience. Okay?

He wrung the green face into a grimace, but promised.

* * *

A week later I saw in another exhibition a new picture: "The seventh Fugue Tchaikovsky, OP. 9, ed. SOUTH. Zimmerman. "

He did not restrain the promise. I, too.

It is only for me to remember the Father, as it seems to me climbing the stairs, with a lively concerned face and squeezed movements, accompanied by several dozen porters, burdensome heavy wear.

This strange idea is born in the brain, probably because most often I had to see the father climbing on the stairs, accompanied by molding and swearing portors.

My father was an amazing person. All in it was some kind of original, not like others ... He knew several languages, but these were strange, not necessary to anyone else's languages: Romanian, Turkish, Bulgarian, Tatar. Either French, nor German he knew. He had a voice, but when she sang, nothing could be disassembled - this was a thick, low voice. There was some amazing rumble and rokat, to the low, which seemed to be overlooking him. He loved the father's carpentry work - but they were also somehow anything - he did only wooden steamers. It was arguing over every ship for about a year, made it with all the details, and when I finished, then satisfied, said:

Such a piece can be sold at least for fifteen rubles!

And Mother was worth thirty! - picked up the mother.

Silent, cooking, - said father. - You do not understand anything…

Of course, - Gorky smiling, mother objected. - You understand a lot ...

The main occupation of the father was trade. But here he surpassed himself in oddity and unnecessaryness - from a commercial point of view of those operations that took place in the store.

For the Father there was no better pleasure how to let go of someone's goods. The buyer, who owed his father, was made his best friend ... Father called him to the shop, she saw tea, played with him in his checkers and was offended by the mother to the depths of the soul, if she, having learned about it, said:

It would be better if he gave money than to play checkers.

You do not understand anything, cooking - the father said delicately. - He is a very good person. Two daughters in the gymnasium learn. He himself was in war. You would have listened to how he talks about military orders.

Yes, we are something from that! Is there anyone who was in war - so everyone and give a debt?

You do not understand anything, cooking, "the father said sadly and went to the barn to the barn.

He had a good relationship with me, but we had different characters. I could not understand his hobbies, skeptically treated to the vapors and, when he gave me one steamer, thinking to bring it delight, I was coolly, with a bored look, I touched some kind of wooden thing on a tiny ship's nose and departed.

You do not understand anything, Vaska, - said, squinting, father.

I loved books, and he bought me half a dozen of some pigeons-trumpeters. Why I had to admire the fact that their tails are not flat, but a pipe, I still consider unclear. I had to get up early in the morning, give these pigeons feed and water, which did not get carried away with me. Three or four days later I led to the hellish plan - opened the door of the pigeon booth, thinking that the pigeons would fly now. But the damned birds are tvers and peacefully sitting in their place. However, the open door brought its own advantage: on the same night the cat redested all the trumpeters, bring me relief, and the father of the grief and quiet tears.

As everything in the father was original, it was also original and unusual his passion is to buy rare things. The requirements that he presented to this kind of operations were as follows: so that the thing led to his species of all others surprisingly so that it was monumental and that everyone thought that the thing was bought for five hundred rubles when only thirty was paid for it.

* * *

Once on the stairs at the house where we lived, the top-like of numerous legs, screams and grooves were heard. We ran to the staircase site and saw the Father, who conducted several porters, burdened by a big, strange thing.

What it is? - Mother asked with anxiety.

Father's radiant face shone the pride and hidden joy of a person, intricate a lot of supranted surprise.

You will see, "he trembled from impatience, he said. - Now put it.

When "His" was put on a portrait of his father, "he" turned out to be a tremendous magnitude with a marble burst in half the board and a red cracked tree.

Well? - Father's father addressed the triumphantly. - What time will you appreciate this thing?

What is she for? - asked mother.

You do not understand anything, cooking. Alyosha, tell me - how much do you think it is worth this washbasin?

Alyosha is a smoothie, a hyperbolic and a fake low-stream dousefinder - splashed with empty ink with his hands and exclaimed unhalystally:

How lovely! How much is? Four hundred twenty five rubles!

Ha ha ha! - Father was solemptured. - And you, cook, how much do you say?

Mother skeptically shook her head.

Yes, what ... rubles fifteen for him can still be given.

Many you understand! You can imagine - all this marble, mahogany and everything - standing on the occasion of only twenty-five rubles. Now we will try it! Mary! Water.

In the monumental wicker poured a bucket of water ... The pedal pressed the foot did not cause a single drop of fluid from the tap, but when we looked down, our legs were surrounded by a whole lake of water.

Blow! Said Father. - It is necessary to call a locksmith. Mary! Run.

The locksmith brought from half an hour over the washbasin, took six rubles for it and, leaving, stole from the front head.

Washbasin settled with us.

When the Father was not at home, everyone with pleasure was sinking from a small wall of the Wathers, but if it happened during his father, he shouted, swore, forced everyone to wash his shopping and said:

You do not understand anything!

Everyone had a reason to avoid a large washbasin. He had a disgusting temper and impermanence in sympathy. Sometimes he found a dog attachment to the sister Lisa and was given to wash out of it with normal, in the usual way. Or he was friends with Alesh, was warned to him - humble, like a child, lied a transparent jet on black Aleshina hands and did not allow himself indecent.

With all other things did so. It was worth only pressing the pedal, as a horizontal jet of water flew out of the tap with a whistle and got a careless person in the stomach or chest; Then the jet instantly falls out and, rushing, waited for the next press of the pedal. The man was bent and substituted his hands, hoping to catch the damned stream in the very place where she was Bila.

But the jet did not sleep ...

Seeing the prone shoulders, she took off the fountain upwards, wrapped down, poured the head and head of the gullible man, instantly disappeared and, aiming on his feet, I wandered them so generously, that a man, defeated by a washbasin, bounced aside with the curse and flew.

Sometimes the washbasin spit stream, like a snake head, turned her, was crying, and then it was necessary to run around this monumental rubbish to catch the hands of an elusive shuttle. Then we already invented to make an uniform cloud at her: I got around, stretched a dozen hands, and the drunk jet, no matter how fear, and someone got ...

* * *

One day a familiar trash rang out on the stairs and groove ... This is a father, led by the army of porters, led a new purchase.

That was a strange procession.

Ahead three people dragged a huge quadrilateral with a hole in the middle, for them the two strange accurate rod, and behind the march were closed two more people with some similarity of a huge globe and a glass matte hemisphere, the magnitude of a small shed.

What is it? - Mother asked with secret fear.

Lamp, - Father answered fun.

And I thought - a stand for poster.

It's not true, - Father picked up, - a foregromatic thing. I traded half an hour until I lost.

The lamp was installed next to the washbasin. It was an increase in the ceiling and the species of the most strange, extremely uncomfortable - severe, ugly, similar to some kind of monstrous African plant.

Well, what do you think, Alyosha ... how much does it cost?

Three thousand! - Confidently said Alyosha.

Haha! What do you say, cooking?

Mother, Seville in a corner, looked silently. From his father, the whole delight immediately flew away, and he, discouraged, went to the mother, bent and gently kissed her in his head.

Eh, cooking! You do not understand anything! Vaska! How much do you think there should be such a lamp?

Seven thousand, "I said, walking around the lamp. - At least, I would give me so much for it, just to have been removed from here.

Many you understand! - Father confused.

The lamp was from one family with a washbasin. Kerosene (fourteen pounds); Poured into it, drove, poisoned the air, and when the locksmith corrected it (the one who stole the cap), the lamp pulled a huge black wick and did not want to let him down. Pulling out with some nippers, the phytel caught fire, but so he began that the neighbors came to save us from the fire, offering free services for the end of things and extinguishing fire.

A huge immense lamp burned with a small, microscopic light, so which it will be warm in the icon, quietly crashed and squeezedly seized his tiny red tongue.

Father stood in front of her delighted.

* * *

Once on the stairs he was heard the same noise, rumble and screams.

What else? - Mother jumped out.

Clock, - Laughing happily, Father said.

It was the most striking, the most unheard of the father bought.

On a huge dial, two arrows were rapidly rummaged, not considered any time or with the efforts of people who would think to keep them from it. Downstairs, the colossal pendulum was increeding, making the Arshina four, and ahead of all the mechanism hoarsely and heavily breathed as a horn or half-eyed man's pillow ...

Who did them? What a drunk, abnormal, inflamed brain alcohol appeared to build this ugly clumsy apparatus, with all parts, painfully, as in delusions exaggerated, with a move without logic and with drunk disgusting breath inside, breathing their creator, who maybe near Somewhere under the fence, exploded with white hot, burned with rheumatism and gout.

The clock has become next to the washbasin and the lamp, bravely and immediately understood how to behave in this house.

The pendulum was rapidly rushed from the wall to the wall and thoroughly knocked down with the legs when we strivered from him on the side ... The mechanism grumbled, coughing and moaning, as a dying, and the arrows frolicked on the dial, breaking down, taking care and circling in a dicky vaccine dance ...

The father decided to subordinate us to the time shown by these clock, but soon made sure that dinner would have to sleep at night, sleep at noon and that in a week would be excluded from the school for the appearance of at the lessons at eleven o'clock in the evening.

The clock was useful to us as a sports device who was not seen by anywhere else ... We took a three-year sister Olya, sitting on her with a colossal pendulum, and she, clinging to convulsively behind the rod, rushed, trembling, frightened, from side to side, exciting the fun of the surrounding youth.

Mother called this room "Damned Room".

A whole day from there was angry with a suffocating smell of kerosene, the borces of water argued from the washbasin on the floor were mured, and at night we were scared and scared the scary moans, who empty the clock, mocking these moans with hoarse malicious laughter and rye.

One day, when we returned from school and poured a crowd into our favorite room to have fun about the clock, we retreated, amazed, frightened: the room was empty, and only three painted quadrangles on the floor showed those places where the fathers of the purchase were.

What did you do with them? We asked the mother.

Sell.

Dalited a lot? - asked his father's silent.

Three rubles. Just not they gave, and I ... so that they were taken. No one wanted to contact them with nothing ...

Father lowered his head, and his depressed whisper was held on the empty room:

Many you understand!

Now he died, my father.

Field work

(from the collection "Gold-plated pills")

This is finally the hell know what !! No borders !!!

And the editor clung to his own hand into his own hair.

What? - I asked. - Again, something in the Ministry of Folk Enlightenment?

Well no…

So, the Ministry of Finance?

No, no, no!

Understand. Of course, the Ministry of the Interior?

Allow ... long-distance phone, what does this apply to?

Office post and telegraphs.

Well ... so that it's neither the bottom of the tire !! Imagine: Again no sound from Moscow. Because they have something that happened there - the newspaper must come out without a Moscow phone. Oh, PrRR! .. Here, listen: If you were a real journalist - you would investigate the reasons for such disgrace and would be brought to the attention of the Company !!

And what do you think ... not investigating? And investigative.

That's cute. They have they say there, telephone wire steal.

Who steals?

Many men.

Today I will go. I'll show you what a real journalist I am!

It was an early cold morning when I, coming out on a small intermediate between the two standards of the station, quietly walked towards the nearest village.

Caught up some lonely peasant.

Great, uncle!

Great, niece. Will your depths?

From Peterburg himself, "I answered the most beautiful Russian. - Well, how do you have people here ... Does anything live?

Let we talk so that nothing. Fed. Vintage, we will say anything. The first harvest.

Prices like bread?

Yes, prices are secondary. French bells, as well as checkout, in the penq, and there are three sakes.

I'm not about that uncle. I ask how the harvest was sold?

Harvest? Yes, half the ruble powder.

Are you talking about rye?

With rzhoy cheaper. Yes, only rye after all does not happen on it. Thank God, galvanized.

What is galvanized?

Yes Wheel. There is no rye on her.

Fu you Lord! And you sew bread?

No. Do not pour.

I looked in the distance. Several men with braids beyond the shoulders of Brevel towards us.

What are they?

Mow go.

All ideas about agriculture stunned in my brain and turned upside down.

Mow?! In January?

And they are shto As hung, so, it means, and ready.

In Meanwhile, the songs approached us. They sang, obviously an old local song:

Oh you, wire -

D-metallic,

Eh, Kormilitsa

You are a man! ..

I will smash you

From a pole,

In the city selling -

Guy removed! ..

Seeing me, all removed the caps.

God to help! - I wanted friendly.

Thank you for your kind words.

Do you go?

This is so, Barin.

Non-Orthodox person is possible without work. Not lodari what, thank you, Lord.

Mow go?

But what about. On the Eremino plot, yesterday's wire rushed.

How do you do it?

Eh, Barin, Non-rural works do not know? Spearly, it means that the pits are digging, then pillars put. We, of course, wait, look after. And when, it means, the wire will go to the posts, matures - here we are and sieves. Girls in the rebellion twist, boys are shipping, we will go to the city. Business is simple. Agricultural.

You would be better than bread sown than such "things" to do, - I advised me.

Eva! Neshto can be compared. Here you grace: neither overseas, nor drought; Seeds - nor my God.

Zalolol, - interrupted a strictland old man. "After all, Mr., if to compare with bread fishery, then our business is also not honey. First of all, they have a whole winter on the furnaces lie, love pies with carrots. And we work all year round, like the popyan. Yes, and then now such things have gone that the prices of wire falling began. Therefore, all the baptized people began to deal with this.

And even even the worst, - picked up a clumsy man. - Sometimes, sometimes three, on five den, the wire is not valid. Is it not possible?

This is true: one disgrace, - supported the third man. - We all have-drinking too. Sometimes you will leave for the sideline on the line, look - what's the way, to hell, harvest: some pillars stick out. While there they will gather the wire to hang ...

And what does your administration look? - I asked. - Rural authorities for what are looking?!

Ana look.

Wow! Still as ... once they will tap them. Now it went to the implanting that they walked a little daisy. Largeness went large.

From whom?

Yes from the bosses.

What?

Yes, commercial evidence requires that they were chosen in the counterat. For cutting, as they say, telephone wire.

Yes, and such rumors go that as if the bosses for rent will be plots for cutting. Did you hear a barin? How in St. Petersburg on this?

I do not know.

A gray-haired old man bent to my ear and stuck:

And what, not heard there - sussidia will not give us? It hurts it too cool.

What? Balance?

Nearby. The people are multiplied, and the line is all alone.

In the Duma, there are also sitting there, - a poisonous jerky, I noticed a black-born, and what they do - and unknown. Hut would have spent another line. All the same would be worth it.

His! It's only stuffing my belly, but I will not remember the peasant humpback?

Well, Ida guys. What is in vain, scratching. Still clumsy need to be climbing. And then they do not add to the rebellion.

And the houses were cheerfully stagnated to the columns, on which the wire threads were identified thin, barely visible web.

The choir ran, chopping the clock:

Eh you, wire

D-metallic.

Eh, Kormilitsa

You are a man! ..

The sun looked out due to the SIZO cloud and illuminated the labor, chernozem, semiamary rus.