Zoshchenko to read stories for adults online. Humorous stories

Mikhail Zoshchenko, whose 120th birthday is celebrated these days, had his own own style, which cannot be confused with anyone. His satirical stories short, phrases without the slightest frills and lyrical digressions.

A distinctive feature in his manner of writing works was precisely the language, which at first glance may seem rude. Most of his works are written in comic genre... The desire to expose the vices of people that even the revolution could not remake was at first perceived as a healthy criticism and was hailed as a denunciatory satire. The heroes of his works were ordinary people with primitive thinking. However, the writer does not make fun of the people themselves, but emphasizes their lifestyle, habits and some character traits. His works were not aimed at fighting these people, but at calling to help them get rid of their shortcomings.

Critics called his works literature "for the poor" for his deliberately rustic syllable, full of words and expressions, which was common among small owners.

M.Zoshchenko "Bad custom".

In February, my brothers, I fell ill.

Lay down in city ​​hospital... And now I am lying, you know, in the city hospital, being treated and resting in my soul. And all around is calm and smooth and God's grace... Everything is clean and tidy, even lying awkwardly. And if you want to spit - a spittoon. If you want to sit down - there is a chair, if you want to blow your nose - blow your nose to health in your hand, and so that in the sheet - no, my God, in the sheet you will never be allowed. There is no such order, they say. Well, you resign yourself.

And you can't help but accept. There is such care around, such kindness that it’s better not to come up with it.

Just imagine, some lousy person is lying, and they drag his lunch, and the bed is removed, and thermometers are placed under his arm, and klystyrs are shoved with his own hands, and even are interested in health.

And who is interested? Important, progressive people - doctors, doctors, nurses and, again, paramedic Ivan Ivanovich.

And I felt such gratitude to all the staff that I decided to bring material gratitude. I don't think you will give it to everyone - there won't be enough offal. Ladies, I think, one. And who - began to look closely.

And I see: there is no one else to give, other than the paramedic Ivan Ivanovich. The man, I see, is large and personable and tries more than anyone else and even climbs out of his skin. Okay, I think I'll give it to him. And he began to ponder how to stick him in, so that he would not offend his dignity and so as not to get in the face for it.

The opportunity soon presented itself. The paramedic comes up to my bed. Greets.

Hello, he says, how are you? Was there a chair?

Ege, I think, took a bite.

Why, I say, there was a chair, but one of the patients took it away. And if you sit down hunting - sit down at your feet on the bed. Let's talk.

The paramedic sat down on the bed and sits.

Well, - I say to him, - how, in general, what do they write, are the earnings great?

The earnings, he says, are small, but which intelligent patients, even at the very end of their death, strive to stick into their hands.

Excuse me, I say, although I’m not dying, I don’t refuse to give. And I've been dreaming about it for a long time.

I take out the money and give it. And he so kindly accepted and made a curtsy with a pen.

And the next day it all started. I lay very calmly and well, and no one bothered me until then, but now the paramedic Ivan Ivanovich seemed to be dumbfounded from my material gratitude. He will snuggle to my bed ten or fifteen times a day. Then, you know, he will fix the pads, then he will drag them into the bath, then he will offer to put an enema. He tortured me with some thermometers, you bitch cat. Earlier in a day, a thermometer or two will deliver - that's all. And now fifteen times. The bath used to be cool and I liked it, but now it will add hot water- even shout the guard.

I’m already this way, and so - no way. I'm still shoving money to him, the scoundrel - just leave me alone, do me a favor, he goes into a rage even more and tries.

A week has passed - I see, I can’t take it anymore. I was worn out, lost fifteen pounds, lost weight and lost my appetite. And the paramedic is trying everything.

And since he, a tramp, almost cooked in boiling water. By golly. Such a bath, the scoundrel, did - I already had a callus on my leg and the skin came off.

I tell him:

What are you, bastard, who cook people in boiling water? There will be no more material gratitude to you.

And he says:

If it won't - don't. Breathe, he says, without help researchers... - And went out.

And now everything is going on as before: the thermometers are set once, an enema as needed. And the bath is cool again and no one bothers me anymore.

It's not in vain that the struggle with tip occurs. Oh, brothers, not in vain!

Lelya and Minka

Stories for children

M.Zoshchenko

1. Christmas tree

This year, guys, I turned forty. So it turns out that I have seen forty times christmas tree... It's a lot!

Well, for the first three years of my life, I probably did not understand what a tree was. Probably, my mother carried me on the arms. And, probably, with my black eyes I was looking without interest at the painted tree.

And when I, children, hit five years old, I already perfectly understood what a tree is.

And I was looking forward to this happy holiday. And even peeped through the crack of the door as my mother decorates the tree.

And my sister Lele was seven years old at the time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl.

She once told me:

- Minka, mom went to the kitchen. Let's go to the room where the tree is and see what is going on there.

So my sister Lelya and I entered the room. And we see: very beautiful tree... And there are gifts under the tree. And on the tree there are colorful beads, flags, lanterns, golden nuts, pastilles and Crimean apples.

My little sister Lelya says:

- Let's not look at the gifts. Instead, let's eat one lozenge at a time.

And so she comes up to the tree and instantly eats one lozenge hanging on a string.

I'm talking:

- Lelya, if you have eaten a lozenge, then I will also eat something now.

And I go to the tree and bite off a small piece of apple.

Lelya says:

- Minka, if you have bitten off an apple, then I will eat another lozenge and in addition I will take this candy for myself.

And Lelya was a very tall, long-knit girl. And she could reach high.

She stood on tiptoe and her big mouth began to eat the second lozenge.

And I was amazing vertically challenged... And I almost could not get anything, except for one apple, which hung low.

I'm talking:

- If you, Lelishcha, ate the second lozenge, then I will once again take a bite of this apple.

And I again take this apple with my hands and again bite it off a little.

Lelya says:

- If you bit off an apple for the second time, then I will not stand on ceremony anymore and now I will eat the third lozenge and, in addition, I will take a cracker and a nut as a souvenir.

Then I almost roared. Because she could reach everything, but I could not.

I tell her:

- And I, Lelishcha, how I will put a chair to the tree and how I will get myself something, besides an apple.

And so I began to pull a chair towards the tree with my thin little hands. But the chair fell on me. I wanted to lift a chair. But he fell again. And right for gifts.

Lelya says:

- Minka, you seem to have broken the doll. This is true. You knocked the porcelain handle off the doll.

Then mother's footsteps were heard, and Lelya and I ran into another room.

Lelya says:

- Now, Minka, I can’t guarantee that mom will not pull you out.

I wanted to cry, but at that moment guests came. There are many children with their parents.

And then our mother lit all the candles on the tree, opened the door and said:

- All come in.

And all the children entered the room where the tree stood.

Our mom says:

- Now let each child come to me, and I will give everyone a toy and a treat.

And so the children began to approach our mother. And she gave everyone a toy. Then she took an apple, a lozenge and a candy from the tree and also gave it to the child.

And all the children were very happy. Then my mother took the apple that I bit off in her hands and said:

- Lelya and Minka, come here. Which of you two has bitten off this apple?

Lelya said:

- This is Minka's work.

I pulled Lelya's pigtail and said:

- Lelka taught me that.

Mom says:

- I'll put Lelia in the corner with my nose, and I wanted to give you a clockwork engine. But now I will give this groovy little engine to the boy to whom I wanted to give a bitten off apple.

And she took a little train and gave it to one four-year-old boy. And he immediately began to play with him.

And I got angry with this boy and hit him on the arm with a toy. And he roared so desperately that his own mother took him in her arms and said:

- From now on I will not come to visit you with my boy.

And I said:

- You can leave, and then the locomotive will remain for me.

And that mother was surprised at my words and said:

- Probably your boy will be a robber.

And then my mother took me in her arms and said to that mother:

“Don't you dare talk about my boy like that. Better leave with your scrofulous child and never come to us again.

And that mom said:

- I will. To be found with you - what to sit in nettles.

And then another, third mother, said:

- And I'll leave too. My girl didn't deserve to be given a doll with a broken arm.

And my sister Lelya shouted:

- You can also go with your scrofulous child. And then the doll with the broken handle will remain for me.

And then I, sitting in my mother's arms, shouted:

- In general, you can all leave, and then all the toys will remain for us.

And then all the guests began to leave.

And our mother was surprised that we were left alone.

But suddenly our dad entered the room.

He said:

“This kind of upbringing is ruining my children. I don’t want them to fight, quarrel and expel guests. It will be difficult for them to live in the world, and they will die alone.

And dad went to the tree and put out all the candles. Then he said:

- Go to bed instantly. And tomorrow I will give all the toys to the guests.

And now, guys, thirty-five years have passed since then, and I still remember this tree well.

And for all these thirty-five years, children, I have never again eaten someone else's apple and never hit someone who is weaker than me. And now the doctors say that is why I am so comparatively cheerful and good-natured.

2. KALOSHI AND ICE CREAM

When I was little, I really loved ice cream.

Of course, I still love him. But then it was something special - I loved ice cream so much.

And when, for example, an ice cream maker was driving down the street with his cart, I immediately got dizzy: so much I wanted to eat what the ice cream maker was selling.

And my little sister Lelia was also extremely fond of ice cream.

And she and I dreamed that when we grow up big, we will eat ice cream at least three or even four times a day.

But at that time we very rarely ate ice cream. Our mom wouldn't let us eat it. She was afraid that we would catch a cold and fall ill. And for this reason, she did not give us money for ice cream.

And then one summer Lelya and I walked in our garden. And Lelya found a galosh in the bushes. An ordinary rubber overshoe. And very worn and torn. Someone must have thrown it as it exploded.

Lelya found this overshoe and put it on a stick for fun. And he walks through the garden, waving this stick over his head.

Suddenly a rag-picker walks down the street. Shouts: "I buy bottles, cans, rags!".

Seeing that Lelya was holding a galosh on a stick, the rag-picker said to Lelya:

- Hey girl, do you sell galoshes?

Lelya thought it was such a game, and answered the rag-picker:

- Yes, I do. This galosh costs one hundred rubles.

The rag-pick laughed and said:

- No, a hundred rubles is too expensive for this galosh. But if you want, girl, I'll give you two kopecks for her, and you and I will part as friends.

And with these words the rag-picker pulled out a wallet from his pocket, gave Lelya two kopecks, put our torn galosh in his sack and left.

Lelya and I realized that this was not a game, but in fact. And they were very surprised.

The rag-picker has already left for a long time, and we stand and look at our coin.

Suddenly an ice cream maker walks down the street and shouts:

- Strawberry ice cream!

Lelya and I ran up to the ice cream maker, bought two balls from him for a penny, ate them instantly and began to regret that they had sold the galosh so cheaply.

The next day Lelya says to me:

- Minka, today I decided to sell one more galosh to the rag-picker.

I was delighted and say:

- Lelya, did you find a galosh in the bushes again?

Lelya says:

- There is nothing else in the bushes. But in our hallway there are probably, I think, at least fifteen galoshes. If we sell one, it won't hurt us.

And with these words Lelya ran to the dacha and soon appeared in the garden with one rather good and almost brand new galoshes.

Lelya said:

- If a rag-picker bought from us for two kopecks such a rag as we sold him last time, then for this almost brand new galosh he will probably give at least a ruble. I can imagine how much ice cream this money could buy.

We waited for an hour for the rag-picker to appear, and when we finally saw him, Lelia told me:

- Minka, this time you sell galoshes. You are a man, and you talk to the rag-picker. Otherwise he will give me two kopecks again. And this is too little for you and me.

I put a galosh on the stick and began to wave the stick over my head.

The rag-pick went up to the garden and asked:

- What, galoshes are on sale again?

I whispered, barely audible:

- For sale.

The rag-pick, having examined the galosh, said:

- What a pity, children, that you are selling me everything for one overshoe. For this one galosh I will give you a piglet. And if you sold me two galoshes at once, you would receive twenty, or even thirty kopecks. Since two galoshes are more needed by people at once. And from this they jump in price.

Lelya told me:

- Minka, run to the dacha and bring another galosh from the hallway.

I ran home and soon brought some oversized galoshes.

The rag-pick put these two galoshes side by side on the grass and, with a sad sigh, said:

- No, children, you completely upset me with your trade. One women's galoshes, the other - from a man's leg, judge for yourself: what do I need such galoshes for? I wanted to give you a piglet for one galoshes, but having folded two galoshes together, I see that this will not happen, since things have worsened from addition. Get four kopecks for two galoshes, and we will part as friends.

Lelya wanted to run home to bring something else from her galoshes, but at that moment her mother's voice rang out. It was my mother who called us home, because my mother’s guests wanted to say goodbye to us. The rag-pick, seeing our confusion, said:

- So, friends, for these two galoshes you could get four kopecks, but instead you will receive three kopecks, since I deduct one kopeck for wasting time on idle talk with children.

The rag-pick gave Lele three kopeck coins and, hiding the galoshes in a sack, left.

Lelya and I immediately ran home and began to say goodbye to my mother's guests: aunt Olya and uncle Kolya, who were already dressing in the hallway.

Suddenly aunt Olya said:

- What a weirdness! One of my galoshes is here, under the hanger, and for some reason the other is not there.

Lelya and I turned pale. And they stood still.

Aunt Olya said:

- I remember very well that I came in two galoshes. And now there is only one, and where the second is, it is not known.

Uncle Kolya, who was also looking for his galoshes, said:

- What nonsense is in the sieve! I also remember very well that I came in two galoshes, nevertheless, my second galoshes are not there either.

Hearing these words, Lelya unclenched her fist in which she had money in excitement, and three kopeck coins fell to the floor with a clang.

Dad, who also saw off the guests, asked:

- Lelya, where did you get this money?

Lelya began to lie, but dad said:

- What could be worse than a lie!

Then Lelya began to cry. And I cried too. And we said:

- We sold two galoshes to the rag-picker to buy ice cream.

Dad said:

- Worse than lying is what you did.

Hearing that the galoshes were sold to the rag-picker, Aunt Olya turned pale and staggered. And Uncle Kolya also staggered and clutched his heart with his hand. But dad told them:

- Don't worry, Aunt Olya and Uncle Kolya, I know what we need to do so that you won't be left without galoshes. I will take all Lelina and Minka's toys, sell them to the rag-picker, and with the proceeds we will buy you new galoshes.

Lelya and I roared at this verdict. But daddy said:

- That's not all. For two years, I have forbidden Lele and Minka to eat ice cream. And two years later they can eat it, but every time they eat ice cream, let them remember this sad story.

On the same day, Dad collected all our toys, called the rag-picker and sold him everything we had. And with the money received, our father bought galoshes for Aunt Olya and Uncle Kolya.

And so, children, many years have passed since then. For the first two years, Lelya and I really never ate ice cream. And then they began to eat it, and every time we ate, we involuntarily remembered what happened to us.

And even now, children, when I have become quite an adult and even a little old, even now sometimes, while eating ice cream, I feel a kind of tightness and a kind of awkwardness in my throat. And at the same time, every time, according to my childhood habit, I think: "Have I deserved this sweet, have I not lied and have not cheated someone?"

Nowadays, many people eat ice cream, because we have whole huge factories in which this pleasant dish is made.

Thousands of people and even millions eat ice cream, and I, children, would really like all people, eating ice cream, to think about what I think about when I eat this sweet.

3. BABUSHKIN'S GIFT

I had a grandmother. And she loved me very dearly.

She came to visit us every month and gave us toys. And in addition she brought with her a whole basket of cakes.

Of all the cakes, she let me choose the one that I liked.

And my older sister Lelia was not very fond of by my grandmother. And she didn't let her choose the cakes. She herself gave her what she needed. And because of this, my sister Lelia whimpered every time and was more angry with me than with her grandmother.

One fine summer day, my grandmother came to our dacha.

She arrived at the dacha and is walking through the garden. She has a basket of cakes in one hand, a purse in the other.

And Lelya and I ran up to grandmother and greeted her. And with sadness we saw that this time, except for cakes, grandmother brought us nothing.

And then my sister Lelya said to her grandmother:

- Grandma, didn’t you bring us anything besides cakes today?

And my grandmother was angry with Lelia and answered her like this:

- I brought it. But just I will not give to an ill-mannered person who asks about it so frankly. The gift will be given to the well-bred boy Minya, who is the best in the world thanks to his tactful silence.

And with these words, my grandmother told me to stretch out my hand. And in my palm she put ten brand new ten kopeck coins.

And here I stand like a fool and look with delight at the brand new coins that lie in my palm. And Lelya also looks at these coins. And he doesn't say anything. Only her little eyes sparkle with an unkind twinkle.

Grandmother admired me and went to drink tea.

And then Lelya hit me with force on the arm from the bottom up, so that all my coins jumped in the palm of my hand and fell into the grass and into the ditch.

And I sobbed so loudly that all the adults came running - dad, mom and grandmother. And they all immediately bent down and began to look for my fallen coins.

And when all the coins were collected, except for one, the grandmother said:

- You see, I did the right thing, that I didn’t give Lelka a single coin! Here she is, what an envious person. "If, - thinks, - not for me, - and not for him!" Where, by the way, is this villain at the moment?

In order to avoid the talk, Lelya, it turns out, climbed a tree and, sitting on the tree, teased me and my grandmother with her tongue.

Neighborhood boy Pavlik wanted to shoot Lelya with a slingshot in order to remove her from the tree. But his grandmother did not allow him to do this, because Lelya could fall and break her leg. The grandmother did not go to this extreme and even wanted to take away the boy's slingshot.

And then the boy got angry with all of us and with his grandmother, including from a distance, shot her with a slingshot.

Grandmother gasped and said:

- How do you like it? Because of this villainess, I was knocked out with a slingshot. No, I will not come to you anymore, so as not to have similar stories... Better you bring my nice boy Minya to me. And every time, in spite of Lelka, I will give him gifts.

Dad said:

- Good. I will do so. But only you, mother, in vain praise Minka! Of course, Lelya did not do well. But Minka is also not the best boy in the world. The best boy in the world is the one who would give his little sister a few coins, seeing that she has nothing. And with this he would not bring his sister to anger and envy.

Sitting on her tree, Lelka said:

- And the best grandmother in the world is the one who gives something to all children, and not just Minka, who, due to his stupidity or cunning, is silent and therefore receives gifts and cakes.

Grandmother did not want to stay in the garden any longer.

And all the adults went to the balcony to drink tea.

Then I said to Lele:

- Lelya, get off the tree! I'll give you two coins.

Lelya climbed down from the tree, and I gave her two coins. And in good mood went to the balcony and said to the adults:

- All the same, the grandmother was right. I AM best boy in the world - I just gave Lele two coins.

Grandma gasped with delight. And Mom gasped too. But daddy frowned and said:

- No, the best boy in the world is the one who does something good and after that won't brag.

And then I ran into the garden, found my sister and gave her another coin. And he did not say anything about this to the adults.

In total, Lelka had three coins, and she found the fourth coin in the grass, where she hit me on the hand.

And with all these four coins, Lelka bought ice cream. And she ate it for two hours, ate it, and she still had left.

And in the evening she had a stomach ache, and Lelka lay in bed for a whole week.

And now, guys, many years have passed since then. And to this day, I perfectly remember my father's words.

No, I may have failed to become very good. It is very difficult. But for this, children, I have always strived.

And that's good.

4. DO NOT LIE

I studied for a long time. There were still gymnasiums then. And the teachers then put marks in the diary for each lesson asked. They put some point - from five to one, inclusive.

And I was very little when I entered the gymnasium, the preparatory class. I was only seven years old.

And I didn’t know anything yet about what happens in the gymnasiums. And for the first three months I walked literally in a fog.

And then one day the teacher told us to memorize a poem:

The moon shines merrily over the village,

White snow sparkles with a blue light ...

And I have not learned this poem. I didn't hear what the teacher said. I didn’t hear because the boys who were sitting behind slapped me on the back of my head with a book, then smeared ink on my ear, then tugged at my hair, and when I jumped up out of surprise, they put a pencil or insert under me. And for this reason, I sat in the class, frightened and even stunned, and all the time I listened to what else the boys sitting behind were planning against me.

And the next day, the teacher, as luck would have it, called me and told me to recite a given poem by heart.

And I not only did not know him, but did not even suspect that there are such poems in the world. But out of timidity, I did not dare to tell the teacher that I did not know these verses. And completely stunned, he stood at his desk, not uttering a word.

But then the boys began to tell me these verses. And thanks to this, I began to babble what they whispered to me.

And at that time I had a chronic runny nose, and I could hardly hear with one ear and therefore could hardly make out what they told me.

I also somehow pronounced the first lines. But when it came to the phrase: "The cross under the clouds burns like a candle," I said: "The crackle under the boots hurts like a candle."

Then there was laughter among the students. And the teacher laughed too. He said:

- Come on, give me your diary here! I'll put a unit there for you.

And I cried, because it was my first unit and I didn’t yet know what happened.

After school, my sister Lelia came after me to go home together.

On the way, I took a diary out of my knapsack, opened it on the page where the unit was placed, and said to Lele:

- Lelya, look, what is it? The teacher gave it to me for the poem "The moon shines merrily over the village."

Lelya looked and laughed. She said:

- Minka, this is bad! It was your teacher who gave you a unit in the Russian language. This is so bad that I doubt that dad will give you a photographic apparatus for your name days, which will be in two weeks.

I said:

- And what to do?

Lelya said:

- One of our students took and pasted two pages in her diary, where she had one. Her dad spit on his fingers, but he could not peel it off and did not see what was there.

I said:

- Lelya, it's not good to deceive your parents!

Lelya laughed and went home. And in a sad mood I went into the city garden, sat down there on a bench and, opening my diary, looked at the unit in horror.

I sat in the garden for a long time. Then I went home. But when he approached the house, he suddenly remembered that he had left his diary on a bench in the garden. I ran back. But my diary was no longer on the bench in the garden. At first I was scared, and then I was glad that now there is no diary with me with this terrible unit.

I came home and told my father that I had lost my diary. And Lelya laughed and winked at me when she heard these words of mine.

The next day the teacher, learning that I had lost the diary, gave me a new one.

I opened this new diary with the hope that this time there was nothing wrong with it, but there again stood a unit against the Russian language, even more bold than before.

And then I felt so annoyed and so angry that I threw this diary behind the bookcase that was in our class.

Two days later, the teacher, having learned that I did not have this diary either, filled in a new one. And, besides the one in Russian, he gave me a two in behavior there. And he said that my father would certainly look at my diary.

When I met Lelya after school, she told me:

- It won't be a lie if we temporarily cover the page. And a week after your name day, when you get the camera, we will peel it off and show Dad what it was.

I really wanted to get a photographic apparatus, and Lelya and I pasted over the corners of the ill-fated diary page.

In the evening, dad said:

- Come on, show your diary! It is interesting to know if you have not picked up units?

Dad began to look at the diary, but saw nothing wrong there, because the page was pasted over.

And when dad was looking at my diary, someone suddenly called on the stairs.

Some woman came and said:

- The other day I was walking in the city garden and there I found a diary on a bench. I learned the address by the last name, and so I brought it to you so that you could tell if your son had lost this diary.

Dad looked at the diary and when he saw the unit there, he understood everything.

He didn't shout at me. He just said quietly:

- People who lie and deceive are funny and comical, because sooner or later their lies will always be revealed. And there was no case in the world that something of the lies remained unknown.

I, red as a cancer, stood in front of dad, and I was ashamed of his quiet words.

I said:

- Here's what: I threw another, third, diary with a unit behind a bookcase at school.

Instead of getting even more angry with me, Dad smiled and beamed. He grabbed me in his arms and began to kiss me.

He said:

- The fact that you confessed this made me extremely happy. You confessed that you could remain unknown for a long time. And this gives me hope that you will no longer lie. And for this I will give you a camera.

When Lelya heard these words, she thought that dad was crazy in his mind and now gives everyone gifts not for fives, but for ones.

And then Lelya went up to dad and said:

- Daddy, I also got an A in physics today, because I haven't learned my lesson.

But Lely's expectations were not met. Daddy got angry with her, kicked her out of his room and told her to immediately sit down to her books.

And in the evening, when we went to bed, the bell suddenly rang.

It was my teacher who came to my dad. And he said to him:

“Today our class was cleaned and we found your son’s diary behind a bookcase. How do you like this little liar and deceiver who abandoned his diary so that you would not see it?

Dad said:

- I have personally heard about this diary from my son. He himself confessed to me in this act. So there is no reason to think that my son is an incorrigible liar and deceiver.

The teacher told dad:

- Oh, that's how. You already know about this. In this case, it is a misunderstanding. Sorry. Good night.

And I, lying in my bed, hearing these words, wept bitterly. And he promised himself to always tell the truth.

And I really always do that now.

Ah, it is sometimes very difficult, but on the other hand, my heart is cheerful and calm.

5. THIRTY YEARS LATER

My parents loved me very dearly when I was little. And they gave me many gifts.

But when I got sick with something, my parents literally then showered me with gifts.

And for some reason I was ill very often. Mostly mumps or sore throats.

And my sister Lelya almost never got sick. And she was jealous that I was sick so often.

She said:

- Wait a minute, Minka, I also get sick somehow, so our parents, too, will probably start buying me everything.

But, as luck would have it, Lelya was not sick. And only once, placing a chair by the fireplace, she fell and broke her forehead. She groaned and moaned, but instead of the expected gifts she received from our mother a few spanks, because she put a chair to the fireplace and wanted to get her mother's watch, which was prohibited.

And then one day our parents went to the theater, and Lelya and I stayed in the room. And we began to play with her on a small table billiards.

And during the game, Lelya, gasping, said:

- Minka, I just accidentally swallowed a billiard ball. I held it in my mouth, and it fell through my throat inside.

And we had small, but surprisingly heavy metal balls for billiards. And I was scared that Lelya had swallowed such a heavy ball. And he cried because he thought she was going to have an explosion in her stomach.

But Lelya said:

- There is no explosion from this. But the disease can last forever. This is not like your mumps and sore throats, which disappear in three days.

Lelya lay down on the sofa and began to groan.

Soon our parents came and I told them what had happened.

And my parents were scared to the point that they turned pale. They rushed to the sofa on which Lelka was lying, and began to kiss her and cry.

And through her tears, mother asked Lelka what she felt in her stomach. And Lelya said:

- I feel that the ball is rolling there inside me. And it makes me cheeky and craves cocoa and oranges.

Dad put on his coat and said:

- With all care, undress Lelya and put her to bed. And in the meantime, I run for the doctor.

Mom began to undress Lelya, but when she took off her dress and apron, a billiard ball suddenly fell out of the pocket of the apron and rolled under the bed.

The dad, who hadn't left yet, frowned enormously. He walked over to the pool table and counted the remaining balls. And there were fifteen of them, and the sixteenth ball lay under the bed.

Dad said:

Mom said:

- This is an abnormal and even crazy girl. Otherwise, I can’t explain her actions in any way.

Dad never beat us, but then he pulled Lelya's pigtail and said:

- Explain what this means?

Lelya whimpered and could not find an answer.

Dad said:

- She wanted to make fun of us. But jokes with us are bad! She won't get anything from me for a whole year. AND whole year she will walk in old shoes and an old blue dress, which she does not like so much!

And our parents slammed the door and left the room.

And I, looking at Lelya, could not help laughing. I told her:

- Lelya, you'd better wait when you get sick with mumps than go to such a lie to receive gifts from our parents.

And now, imagine, thirty years have passed!

Thirty years have passed since this little billiard ball accident happened.

And for all these years I have never remembered this incident.

And only recently, when I began to write these stories, I remembered everything that happened. And he began to think about it. And it seemed to me that Lelya deceived her parents not at all in order to receive the gifts that she already had. She deceived them, apparently for something else.

And when this thought occurred to me, I got on the train and went to Simferopol, where Lelya lived. And Lelya was already, imagine, an adult and even a little old woman... And she had three children and her husband - a sanitary doctor.

And so I arrived in Simferopol and asked Lelya:

- Lelya, do you remember this incident with the billiard ball? Why did you do that?

And Lelya, who had three children, blushed and said:

- When you were little, you were as nice as a doll. And everyone loved you. And even then I grew up and was an awkward girl. And that is why I then lied that I swallowed a billiard ball - I wanted everyone to love and pity me just like you, at least like a sick woman.

And I told her:

- Lelya, I came to Simferopol for this.

And I kissed her and hugged her tight. And he gave her a thousand rubles.

And she cried with happiness, because she understood my feelings and appreciated my love.

And then I gave it to each of the children a hundred rubles for toys. And to her husband - a sanitary doctor - he gave his cigarette case, on which was written in gold letters: "Be happy."

Then I gave her children another thirty rubles for movies and candy and told them:

- Silly little owls! I gave this to you so that you can better remember the moment you are experiencing, and so that you know how you need to act in the future.

The next day I left Simferopol and on my way thought about the need to love and pity people, at least those who are good. And sometimes you need to give them some gifts. And then those who give, and those who receive, feel great in their souls.

And those who don’t give anything to people, and instead present them with unpleasant surprises - those who have it are gloomy and disgusting in their souls. Such people wither, dry up and suffer from nervous eczema. Their memory weakens and their mind becomes dark. And they die prematurely.

And the good, on the contrary, live extremely long and are distinguished by good health.

6. FIND

Once Lelya and I took a box of chocolates and put a frog and a spider in it.

Then we wrapped this box in clean paper, tied it with a chic blue ribbon and put this bag on a panel opposite our garden. As if someone walked in and lost their purchase.

Putting this package near the curbstone, Lelya and I hid in the bushes of our garden and, choking with laughter, began to wait for what would happen.

And here comes a passer-by.

Seeing our package, he, of course, stops, rejoices, and even rubs his hands with pleasure. Still: he found a box of chocolates - this is not so often in this world.

With bated breath, Lelya and I are looking at what will happen next.

The passer-by bent down, took the package, quickly untied it and, seeing the beautiful box, was even more delighted.

And now the lid is open. And our frog, bored of sitting in the dark, jumps out of the box right onto the hand of a passer-by.

He gasps in surprise and tosses the box away from him.

Here Lelya and I began to laugh so hard that we fell on the grass.

And we laughed so loudly that the passer-by turned in our direction and, seeing us behind the fence, immediately understood everything.

In an instant, he rushed to the fence, jumped over it in one fell swoop and rushed to us to teach us a lesson.

Lelya and I asked a snitch.

We screeched across the garden to the house.

But I stumbled over the garden bed and stretched out on the grass.

And then a passerby tore off my ear quite hard.

I screamed loudly. But the passer-by, giving me two more flip-flops, calmly left the garden.

Our parents came running to the scream and noise.

Holding my reddened ear and sobbing, I went up to my parents and complained to them about what had happened.

My mother wanted to call a janitor so that she and the janitor could catch up with a passer-by and arrest him.

And Lelya was already rushing after the janitor. But dad stopped her. And he said to her and my mother:

- Don't call the janitor. And there is no need to arrest a passer-by. Of course, it’s not the case that he tore off Minka by the ears, but if I were a passer-by, I would probably do the same.

Hearing these words, mom got angry with dad and said to him:

- You are a terrible selfish!

And Lelya and I were also angry with dad and did not say anything to him. I just rubbed my ear and cried. And Lelka whimpered too. And then my mom, taking me in her arms, said to dad:

- Instead of standing up for a passer-by and thus bringing the children to tears, you would better explain to them what is wrong with what they have done. Personally, I do not see this and I regard everything as innocent child's play.

And dad couldn’t find an answer. He only said:

- Here children grow up big and someday they themselves will find out why it is bad.

And so the years passed. Five years have passed. Then ten years passed. Finally, twelve years passed.

Twelve years passed, and from a little boy I turned into a young student about eighteen years old.

Of course, I forgot to think about this case. More interesting thoughts then visited my head.

But one day this is what happened.

In the spring, at the end of the exams, I went to the Caucasus. At that time, many students took some kind of work for the summer and left in all directions. And I also took myself a position - a train controller.

I was a poor student and had no money. And then they gave a free ticket to the Caucasus and, in addition, paid a salary. And so I took this job. And he drove off.

I first come to the city of Rostov in order to go to the office and get money, documents and tweezers for punching tickets there.

And our train was late. And instead of morning he came at five o'clock in the evening.

I have deposited my suitcase. And I took the tram to the office.

I come there. The doorman says to me:

- To our great regret, we were late, young man. The office is already closed.

- How so, - I say, - closed. I need to get money and a certificate today.

The doorman says:

“Everyone’s already gone. Come the day after tomorrow.

- How so, - I say, - the day after tomorrow? Then I'd better come by tomorrow.

The doorman says:

- Tomorrow is a holiday, the office is closed. And the day after tomorrow, come and get everything you need.

I went outside. And I stand. I do not know what to do.

There are two days ahead. There is no money in my pocket - there are only three kopecks left. The city is alien - no one here knows me. And where I stay is unknown. And what to eat is not clear.

I ran to the station to take some shirt or towel from my suitcase to sell in the market. But at the station they told me:

- Before taking a suitcase, pay for storage, and then take it and do whatever you want with it.

Except for three kopecks, I had nothing, and I could not pay for storage. And he went out into the street even more upset.

No, now I would not be so confused. And then I was terribly confused. I walk, wandering down the street who knows where and grieving.

And so I was walking down the street and suddenly I saw on the panel: what is it? Small red plush wallet. And, you see, not empty, but tightly packed with money.

For a moment I stopped. Thoughts, one happier than the other, flashed through my head. I mentally saw myself in a bakery over a glass of coffee. And then in the hotel on the bed, with a bar of chocolate in his hands.

I took a step towards the wallet. And held out his hand for him. But at that moment the wallet (or it seemed to me) moved a little from my hand.

I reached out my hand again and was about to grab the wallet. But he moved away from me again, and quite far away.

Thinking nothing, I again rushed to my wallet.

And suddenly in the garden, behind the fence, there was a childish laughter. And the wallet, tied by a string, quickly disappeared from the panel.

I went to the fence. Some guys literally rolled on the ground with laughter.

I wanted to rush after them. And already grabbed the fence with his hand in order to jump over it. But then, in an instant, I recalled a long-forgotten scene from my childhood life.

And then I blushed terribly. I moved away from the fence. And walking slowly, wandered on.

Guys! Everything goes on in life. These two days have also passed.

In the evening, when it got dark, I went out of town and there, in the field, on the grass, I fell asleep.

In the morning I got up when the sun came up. I bought a pound of bread for three kopecks, ate it and washed it down with some water. And all day, until the evening, he wandered uselessly around the city.

And in the evening he came back to the field and again spent the night there. Only this time it was bad, because it started raining and I got wet like a dog.

Early the next morning I was already standing at the entrance and waiting for the office to open.

And now it is open. I, dirty, disheveled and wet, entered the office.

The officials looked at me incredulously. And at first they did not want to give me money and documents. But then they gave it out.

And soon I, happy and radiant, went to the Caucasus.

7. GREAT TRAVELERS

When I was six years old, I did not know that the earth is shaped like a ball.

But Styopka, the master's son, whose parents we lived in the country, explained to me what land is. He said:

- The earth is a circle. And if you go straight ahead, you can go around the whole earth, and you still come to the very place from which you came out.

And when I didn’t believe it, Styopka hit me on the back of the head and said:

- I would rather go on a trip around the world with your sister Lelya than I will take you. I am not interested in traveling with fools.

But I wanted to travel, and I presented Styopka with a penknife.

Stiopka liked the knife, and he agreed to take me on a trip around the world.

In the garden, Styopka arranged a general meeting of travelers. And there he said to me and Lele:

- Tomorrow, when your parents leave for the city, and my mother goes to the river to wash, we will do what we have in mind. We will go all straight and straight, crossing mountains and deserts. And we will go straight until we come back here, at least it took us a whole year. Lelya said:

- And if, Styopochka, we meet the Indians?

- As for the Indians, - Stepa answered, - we will take the Indian tribes prisoner.

- And who will not want to go prisoner? I asked timidly.

- Those who do not want to, - replied Styopa, - those we will not take prisoner.

Lelya said:

- I will take three rubles from my piggy bank. I think that this money will be enough for us.

Styopka said:

- Three rubles will certainly be enough for us, because we only need money to buy seeds and sweets. As for food, we will kill small animals on the way, and we will fry their tender meat over a fire.

Stek ran into the barn and brought from there a large sack of flour. And in this bag we began to collect things necessary for long journeys. We put bread, and sugar, and a piece of bacon in the bag, then put various dishes - plates, glasses, forks and knives. Then, after some thought, they put down colored pencils, a magic flashlight, an earthen sink, and a magnifying glass for lighting fires. And besides, they stuffed two blankets and an ottoman pillow into the bag.

In addition, I have prepared three slingshots, a fishing rod and a landing net for catching tropical butterflies.

And the next day, when our parents left for the city, and Stepkina's mother went to the river to rinse the clothes, we left our village Peski.

We walked along the road through the forest.

Stepkina's dog Tuzik was running ahead. Behind her was Stepka with a huge bag on his head. Lelya followed Stepka with a rope. And I followed Lelya with three slingshots, a net and a fishing rod.

We walked for about an hour.

Finally Styopa said:

“The bag is devilishly heavy. And I won't carry it alone. Let each one in turn carry this bag.

Then Lelya took this bag and carried it.

But she did not carry it for long, because she was exhausted.

She threw the sack on the ground and said:

- Now let Minka carry it.

When this sack was piled on top of me, I gasped in surprise: this sack was so heavy.

But I was even more surprised when I walked with this bag along the road. I was bent to the ground, and I, like a pendulum, swayed from side to side, until finally, after walking ten steps, I fell with this sack into the ditch.

And I fell into the ditch in a strange way. First, the sack fell into the ditch, and after the sack, right on to all these things, I dived. And although I was light, I nevertheless managed to break all the glasses, almost all the plates and the earthen sink.

Lelya and Styopka were dying of laughter, watching me flounder in the ditch. And so they didn’t get angry with me when they found out what losses I had caused by my fall.

Styopka whistled to the dog and wanted to adapt it to carry weights. But nothing came of it, because Tuzik did not understand what we want from him. Yes, and we did not think well how to adapt Tuzik to this.

Taking advantage of our meditation, Tuzik gnawed through the sack and in an instant ate all the bacon.

Then Styopka ordered everyone to carry this bag together.

Grasping the corners, we carried the bag. But it was uncomfortable and difficult to carry. Nevertheless, we walked for another two hours. And finally we came out of the forest onto the lawn.

Here Styopka decided to make a halt. He said:

- Whenever we rest or when we go to bed, I will stretch my legs in the direction in which we need to go. All great travelers did this and, thanks to this, did not stray from their direct path.

And Styopka sat down by the road, stretching his legs forward.

We untied the bag and began to eat.

We ate bread sprinkled with granulated sugar.

Suddenly wasps began to circle above us. And one of them, apparently wanting to taste my sugar, stung me on the cheek. Soon, my cheek was swollen like pie. And I, on the advice of Styopka, began to apply moss, damp earth and leaves to it.

I walked behind everyone, whining and whimpering. My cheek was hot and hot. Lelya was also not happy about the trip. She sighed and dreamed of returning home, saying that home is also good.

But Styopka forbade us to think about it. He said:

- Anyone who wants to return home, I will tie to a tree and leave to be devoured by the ants.

We continued walking in a bad mood.

And only Tuzik was in a wow mood.

With his tail raised, he ran after the birds and, with his barking, brought unnecessary noise into our journey.

Finally it began to darken.

Stek threw the bag to the ground. And we decided to spend the night here.

We have collected some brushwood for the fire. And Stylo took a magnifying glass from the bag to light the fire.

But, not finding the sun in the sky, Styopka became depressed. And we were upset too.

And after eating bread, they lay down in the dark.

Stepka solemnly laid down his feet first, saying that in the morning it would be clear to us in which direction to go.

Steep began to snore. And Tuzik also sniffled. But Lelya and I could not sleep for a long time. Scared us dark forest and the noise of trees. Lelia suddenly mistook the dry branch over her head for a snake and squealed in horror.

And the falling cone from the tree scared me to the point that I jumped on the ground like a ball.

Finally we dozed off.

I woke up because Lelya was pulling my shoulders. It was early morning... And the sun hasn't risen yet.

Lelya told me in a whisper:

- Minka, while Stepka is sleeping, let's turn his legs in reverse side... And then he will lead us where Makar did not drive calves.

We looked at Styopka. He slept with a blissful smile.

Lelya and I grabbed his legs and in an instant turned them in the opposite direction, so that Stepkin's head described a semicircle.

But Styopok did not wake up from this.

He just groaned in his sleep and waved his hands, muttering: "Hey, here, to me ..."

Probably, he dreamed that the Indians attacked him and he was calling us for help.

We began to wait for Stepka to wake up.

He woke up with the first rays of the sun and, looking at his feet, said:

- We would be good if I lay down with my feet anywhere. So we wouldn't know which way to go. And now, thanks to my legs, it is clear to all of us that we must go there.

And Styopka waved his hand in the direction of the road on which we walked yesterday.

We ate some bread and set off.

The road was familiar. And Styopka kept opening his mouth in surprise. However, he said:

- A trip around the world differs from other trips in that everything repeats itself, since the earth is a circle.

There was a creak of wheels behind. It was some uncle who was riding a cart.

Lived in Leningrad little boy Pavlik.

He had a mother. And there was dad. And there was a grandmother.

And in addition, a cat called Bell lived in their apartment.

Dad went to work in the morning. Mom left too. And Pavlik stayed with his grandmother.

And the grandmother was terribly old. And she loved to sleep in an armchair.

Now dad left. And mom left. Grandmother sat down in a chair. And Pavlik on the floor began to play with his cat. He wanted her to walk on her hind legs. And she didn't want to. And she meowed very pitifully.

Suddenly the bell rang on the stairs.

Grandma and Pavlik went to open the doors.

It was the postman who came.

He brought a letter.

Pavlik took the letter and said:

- I'll give it to dad myself.

The postman left. Pavlik wanted to play with his cat again. And suddenly he sees - the cat is nowhere to be found.

Pavlik says to his grandmother:

- Grandma, this is the number - our Bell is gone.

Grandma says:

- Probably Jingle Bell ran off to the stairs when we opened the door for the postman.

Pavlik says:

- No, it was probably the postman who took my Bell. He probably gave us a letter on purpose, and took my trained kitty for himself. It was a cunning postman.

The grandmother laughed and said jokingly:

- Tomorrow the postman will come, we will give him this letter and in return we will take back our kitty from him.

So my grandmother sat down in a chair and fell asleep.

Pavlik put on his coat and hat, took the letter and quietly walked out onto the stairs.

“Better,” he thinks, “I'll give the letter to the postman now. And I'd rather take my kitty from him now. "

Now Pavlik went out into the yard. And he sees - there is no postman in the yard.

Pavlik went out into the street. And he walked down the street. And he sees - there is no postman anywhere on the street either.

Suddenly some one red-haired aunt says:

- Oh, look everyone, what a little kid walking alone down the street! He probably lost his mom and got lost. Ah, call a policeman as soon as possible!

Here comes a policeman with a whistle. His aunt says to him:

- Look, what a boy of about five has lost his way.

The policeman says:

“This boy is holding a letter in his pen. Probably, this letter contains the address where he lives. We will read this address and get the child home. It's good that he took the letter with him.

The aunt says:

- In America, many parents deliberately put letters in their children's pockets so that they do not get lost.

And with these words, the aunt wants to take a letter from Pavlik. Pavlik says to her:

- What are you worried about? I know where I live.

The aunt was surprised that the boy had told her so boldly. And from excitement I almost fell into a puddle.

Then he says:

- Look, what a lively boy. Let him then tell us where he lives.

Pavlik replies:

- Fontanka Street, eight.

The policeman looked at the letter and said:

- Wow, this is a fighting child - he knows where he lives.

The aunt says to Pavlik:

- What is your name and who is your dad?

Pavlik says:

- My dad is a chauffeur. Mom went to the store. Grandma is sleeping in an armchair. And my name is Pavlik.

The policeman laughed and said:

- This is a fighting, demonstrative child - he knows everything. Probably he will be the head of the police when he grows up.

The aunt says to the policeman:

- Take this boy home.

The policeman says to Pavlik:

- Well, little friend, let's go home.

Pavlik says to the policeman:

- Give your hand - I'll take you to my house. This is my beautiful home.

Then the policeman laughed. And the red-haired aunt also laughed.

The policeman said:

- This is an exceptionally fighting, demonstrative child. Not only does he know everything, he also wants to bring me home. This child will certainly be the head of the police.

Here the policeman gave his hand to Pavlik and they went home.

As soon as they reached their house - suddenly mom is walking.

Mom was surprised that Pavlik was walking down the street, took him in her arms, and brought him home.

At home, she scolded him a little. She said:

- Oh, you nasty boy, why did you run out into the street?

Pavlik said:

- I wanted to take my Bell from the postman. Otherwise, my Bell was gone, and the postman must have taken it.

Mom said:

- What nonsense! Postmen never take cats. There is your little bell sitting on the closet.

Pavlik says:

- That's the number. Look where my trained kitty jumped.

Mom says:

- Probably, you, nasty boy, tormented her, so she climbed onto the closet.

Grandma suddenly woke up.

Grandma, not knowing what happened, says to mom:

- Today Pavlik was very quiet and well behaved. And he didn't even wake me up. We must give him candy for this.

Mom says:

- He should not be given a candy, but put his nose in the corner. He ran outside today.

Grandma says:

- That's the number.

Suddenly dad comes. Dad wanted to get angry why the boy ran out into the street. But Pavlik gave Dad a letter.

Dad says:

- This letter is not to me, but to my grandmother.

Then she says:

- Another child was born to my youngest daughter in Moscow.

Pavlik says:

- Probably, a fighting child was born. And he will probably be the head of the police.

Then everyone laughed and sat down to dinner.

The first was soup with rice. For the second - cutlets. The third was jelly.

Cat Bell looked for a long time from her closet as Pavlik was eating. Then she could not stand it and also decided to eat a little.

She jumped from dresser to dresser, from dresser to chair, from chair to floor.

And then Pavlik gave her a little soup and a little jelly.

And the cat was very pleased with this.

Coward Vasya

Vasin's father was a blacksmith.

He worked in a forge. He made horseshoes, hammers and hatchets there.

And he went to the smithy every day on his horse.

He had, wow, a good black horse.

He harnessed her to a cart and drove off.

And in the evening he returned.

And his son, a six-year-old boy Vasya, was a fan of a little ride.

Father, for example, comes home, gets off the cart, and Vasyutka immediately gets in there and drives to the forest.

And his father, of course, did not allow him to do this.

And the horse did not really allow it either. And when Vasyutka climbed into the cart, the horse looked askance at him. And she waved her tail, - they say, get off, boy, from my cart. But Vasya lashed the horse with a cane, and then it hurt a little, and she ran quietly.

Then one evening my father returned home. Vasya immediately got into the cart, lashed the horse with a cane and left the yard for a ride. And today he was in a fighting mood - he wanted to ride further.

And so he rides through the woods and whips his black horse so that he can run faster.

This year, guys, I turned forty. So, it turns out that I have seen the New Year tree forty times. It's a lot!

Well, the first three years of my life and probably did not understand what a tree is. Mannered, my mother carried me out on the arms. And probably, with my black eyes, I was looking without interest at the painted tree.

And when I, children, hit five years old, I already perfectly understood what a tree is.

And I was looking forward to this happy holiday. And even peeped through the crack of the door as my mother decorates the tree.

And my sister Lela was seven years old at the time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl.

She once told me:

When I was little, I really loved ice cream.

Of course, I still love him. But then it was something special - I loved ice cream so much.

And when, for example, an ice cream maker was driving down the street with his cart, I immediately got dizzy: so much I wanted to eat what the ice cream maker was selling.

And my little sister Lelia was also extremely fond of ice cream.

I had a grandmother. And she loved me very dearly.

She came to visit us every month and gave us toys. And in addition she brought with her a whole basket of cakes.

Of all the cakes, she let me choose the one that I liked.

And my older sister Lelia was not very fond of by my grandmother. And she didn't let her choose the cakes. She herself gave her what she needed. And because of this, my sister Lelia whimpered every time and was more angry with me than with her grandmother.

One fine summer day, my grandmother came to our dacha.

She arrived at the dacha and is walking through the garden. She has a basket of cakes in one hand, a purse in the other.

I studied for a long time. There were still gymnasiums then. And the teachers then put marks in the diary for each lesson asked. They put some point - from five to one, inclusive.

And I was very little when I entered the gymnasium, the preparatory class. I was only seven years old.

And I didn’t know anything yet about what happens in the gymnasiums. And for the first three months I walked literally in a fog.

And then one day the teacher told us to memorize a poem:

The moon shines merrily over the village,

White snow sparkles with a blue light ...

My parents loved me very dearly when I was little. And they gave me many gifts.

But when I got sick with something, my parents literally then showered me with gifts.

And for some reason I was ill very often. Mostly mumps or sore throats.

And my sister Lelya almost never got sick. And she was jealous that I was sick so often.

She said:

Wait a minute, Minka, I also get sick somehow, so our parents, too, will probably start buying me everything.

But, as luck would have it, Lelya was not sick. And only once, placing a chair by the fireplace, she fell and broke her forehead. She groaned and moaned, but instead of the expected gifts she received from our mother a few spanks, because she put a chair to the fireplace and wanted to get her mother's watch, which was prohibited.

Once Lelya and I took a box of chocolates and put a frog and a spider in it.

Then we wrapped this box in clean paper, tied it with a chic blue ribbon and put this bag on a panel opposite our garden. As if someone walked in and lost their purchase.

Putting this package near the curbstone, Lelya and I hid in the bushes of our garden and, choking with laughter, began to wait for what would happen.

And here comes a passer-by.

Seeing our package, he, of course, stops, rejoices, and even rubs his hands with pleasure. Still: he found a box of chocolates - this is not so often in this world.

With bated breath, Lelya and I are looking at what will happen next.

The passer-by bent down, took the package, quickly untied it and, seeing the beautiful box, was even more delighted.

When I was six years old, I did not know that the Earth is in the shape of a ball.

But Styopka, the owner's son, whose parents we lived in the country, explained to me what land is. He said:

The earth is a circle. And if you go all straight, then you can go around the whole Earth and still come to the very place from which you came out.

When I was little, I really loved having dinner with adults. And my sister Lelia also loved such dinners no less than I did.

First, a variety of food was put on the table. And this side of the matter especially attracted Lelya and me.

Secondly, adults always told Interesting Facts from my life. And this amused Lelya and me.

Of course, the first times we were quiet at the table. But then they got bolder. Lelya began to interfere in conversations. She chattered endlessly. And I, too, sometimes inserted my remarks.

Our comments made the guests laugh. And at first mom and dad were even pleased that the guests see our mind and our development.

But then this is what happened at one dinner.

Daddy's boss began to tell some incredible story about how he saved the firefighter.

Petya was not such a small boy. He was four years old. But my mother considered him a very tiny child. She fed him with a spoon, took him for a walk by the handle and in the morning she dressed him herself.

One day Petya woke up in his bed. And my mother began to dress him. So she put it on and put it on its legs by the bed. But Petya suddenly fell. Mom thought he was being naughty, and again put him on his feet. But he fell again. Mom was surprised and for the third time put him near the bed. But the child fell again.

Mom got scared and called dad on the phone at the office.

She told dad:

Come home soon. Something happened to our boy - he cannot stand on his legs.

When the war began, Kolya Sokolov knew how to count to ten. Of course, it’s not enough to count to ten, but there are children who don’t know how to count to ten.

For example, I knew one little girl, Lyalya, who only counted to five. And how did she count? She said, "One, two, four, five." And I missed the "three." Is this an account! It's just ridiculous.

No, it is unlikely that such a girl will be a researcher or professor of mathematics in the future. Most likely, she will be a domestic worker or a junior janitor with a broom. Since she's so incapable of numbers.

Works are paginated

Zoshchenko's stories

When in the distant years Mikhail Zoshchenko wrote his famous children's stories, then he was not thinking at all that everyone would laugh at the cocky boys and girls. The writer wanted to help children become good people... Series " Zoshchenko's stories for children"matches school curriculum literary training for the sweet grades of the school. It is primarily addressed to children who are between the ages of seven and eleven and includes Zoshchenko's stories a variety of topics, trends and genres.

Here we have collected wonderful children's stories Zoshchenko, read which is a great pleasure, because Mikhail Makhaylovich was true master the words. The stories of M. Zoshchenko are filled with kindness, the writer unusually vividly managed to display children's characters, the atmosphere of the most young years filled with naivety and purity.

We were tormented by nostalgia for childhood and we decided to find for you the most interesting funny stories, who read themselves with pleasure in childhood.

Show child

There lived a little boy Pavlik in Leningrad. He had a mother. And there was dad. And there was a grandmother.
And in addition, a cat called Bell lived in their apartment.
Dad went to work in the morning. Mom left too. And Pavlik stayed with his grandmother.
And the grandmother was terribly old. And she loved to sleep in an armchair.
Now dad left. And mom left. Grandmother sat down in a chair. And Pavlik on the floor began to play with his cat. He wanted her to walk on her hind legs. And she didn't want to. And she meowed very pitifully.
Suddenly the bell rang on the stairs.
Grandma and Pavlik went to open the doors.
It was the postman who came.
He brought a letter.
Pavlik took the letter and said:
- I'll give it to dad myself.
The postman left. Pavlik wanted to play with his cat again. And suddenly he sees - the cat is nowhere to be found.
Pavlik says to his grandmother:
- Grandma, this is the number - our Bell is gone.
Grandma says:
- Probably Jingle Bell ran off to the stairs when we opened the door for the postman.
Pavlik says:
- No, it was probably the postman who took my Bell. He probably gave us a letter on purpose, and took my trained kitty for himself. It was a cunning postman.
The grandmother laughed and said jokingly:
- Tomorrow the postman will come, we will give him this letter and in return we will take back our kitty from him.
So my grandmother sat down in a chair and fell asleep.
Pavlik put on his coat and hat, took the letter and quietly walked out onto the stairs.
“Better,” he thinks, “I'll give the letter to the postman now. And I'd rather take my kitty from him now. "
Now Pavlik went out into the yard. And he sees - there is no postman in the yard.
Pavlik went out into the street. And he walked down the street. And he sees - there is no postman anywhere on the street either.
Suddenly some one red-haired aunt says:
- Oh, look everyone, what a little kid walking alone down the street! He probably lost his mom and got lost. Ah, call a policeman as soon as possible!
Here comes a policeman with a whistle. His aunt says to him:
- Look, what a boy of about five has lost his way.
The policeman says:
“This boy is holding a letter in his pen. Probably, this letter contains the address where he lives. We will read this address and get the child home. It's good that he took the letter with him.
The aunt says:
- In America, many parents deliberately put letters in their children's pockets so that they do not get lost.
And with these words, the aunt wants to take a letter from Pavlik. Pavlik says to her:
- What are you worried about? I know where I live.
The aunt was surprised that the boy had told her so boldly. And from excitement I almost fell into a puddle.
Then he says:
- Look, what a lively boy. Let him then tell us where he lives.
Pavlik replies:
- Fontanka Street, eight.
The policeman looked at the letter and said:
- Wow, this is a fighting child - he knows where he lives.
The aunt says to Pavlik:
- What is your name and who is your dad?
Pavlik says:
- My dad is a chauffeur. Mom went to the store. Grandma is sleeping in an armchair. And my name is Pavlik.
The policeman laughed and said:
- This is a fighting, demonstrative child - he knows everything. Probably he will be the head of the police when he grows up.
The aunt says to the policeman:
- Take this boy home.
The policeman says to Pavlik:
- Well, little friend, let's go home.
Pavlik says to the policeman:
- Give your hand - I'll take you to my house. This is my beautiful home.
Then the policeman laughed. And the red-haired aunt also laughed.
The policeman said:
- This is an exceptionally fighting, demonstrative child. Not only does he know everything, he also wants to bring me home. This child will certainly be the head of the police.
Here the policeman gave his hand to Pavlik and they went home.
As soon as they reached their house - suddenly mom is walking.
Mom was surprised that Pavlik was walking down the street, took him in her arms, and brought him home.
At home, she scolded him a little. She said:
- Oh, you nasty boy, why did you run out into the street?
Pavlik said:
- I wanted to take my Bell from the postman. Otherwise, my Bell was gone, and the postman must have taken it.
Mom said:
- What nonsense! Postmen never take cats. There is your little bell sitting on the closet.
Pavlik says:
- That's the number. Look where my trained kitty jumped.
Mom says:
- Probably, you, nasty boy, tormented her, so she climbed onto the closet.
Grandma suddenly woke up.
Grandma, not knowing what happened, says to mom:
- Today Pavlik was very quiet and well behaved. And he didn't even wake me up. We must give him candy for this.
Mom says:
- He should not be given a candy, but put his nose in the corner. He ran outside today.
Grandma says:
- That's the number.
Suddenly dad comes. Dad wanted to get angry why the boy ran out into the street. But Pavlik gave Dad a letter.
Dad says:
- This letter is not to me, but to my grandmother.
So grandmother put her glasses on her nose and began to read the letter.
Then she says:
- Another child was born to my youngest daughter in Moscow.
Pavlik says:
- Probably, a fighting child was born. And he will probably be the head of the police.
Then everyone laughed and sat down to dinner.
The first was soup with rice. For the second - cutlets. The third was jelly.
Cat Bell looked for a long time from her closet as Pavlik was eating. Then she could not stand it and also decided to eat a little.
She jumped from dresser to dresser, from dresser to chair, from chair to floor.
And then Pavlik gave her a little soup and a little jelly.
And the cat was very pleased with this.

Silly story

Petya was not such a small boy. He was four years old. But my mother considered him a very tiny child. She fed him with a spoon, took him for a walk by the handle and in the morning she dressed him herself.
One day Petya woke up in his bed.
And my mother began to dress him.
So she put it on and put it on its legs by the bed. But Petya suddenly fell.
Mom thought he was being naughty and put him on his feet again. But he fell again.
Mom was surprised and for the third time put him near the bed. But the child fell again.
Mom got scared and called dad on the phone at the office.
She told dad:
- Come home soon. Something happened to our boy - he cannot stand on his legs.
So dad comes and says:
- Nonsense. Our boy walks and runs well, and it cannot be that he fell with us.
And he instantly puts the boy on the carpet. The boy wants to go to his toys, but again, for the fourth time, falls.
Dad says:
- We must quickly call the doctor. Probably our boy fell ill. Probably, he ate too much candy yesterday.
They called the doctor.
The doctor comes with glasses and a pipe.
The doctor says to Pete:
- What is this news! Why are you falling?
Petya says:
“I don’t know why, but I am falling a little.
The doctor says to mom:
- Come on, undress this child, I'll examine him now.
Mom undressed Petya, and the doctor began to listen to him.
The doctor listened to him through the tube and says:
- The child is completely healthy. And it’s amazing why it falls for you. Come on, put it on again and put it on its legs.
Here mom quickly dresses the boy and puts him on the floor.
And the doctor puts his glasses on his nose so that he can better see how the boy falls. Only the boy was put on his feet, and suddenly he fell again.
The doctor was surprised and says:
- Call the professor. Maybe the professor will guess why this child is falling.
Dad went to call the professor, and at that moment little boy Kolya comes to visit Petya.
Kolya looked at Petya, laughed and said:
- And I know why your Petya falls.
The doctor says:
- Look, what a learned toddler was found - he knows better than me why children fall.
Kolya says:
- Look at how Petya is dressed. He has one leg dangling, and both legs are tucked into the other. This is why he falls.
Then everyone began to gasp and groan.
Petya says:
- It was my mother who was dressing me.
The doctor says:
“You don’t need to call the professor. Now we understand why the child falls.
Mom says:
- In the morning I was in a hurry to cook porridge for him, and now I was very worried, and that's why I put on his pants so wrong.
Kolya says:
- And I always dress myself, and I don't have such nonsense with my legs. Adults will always mess things up.
Petya says:
- Now I will dress myself too.
Then everyone laughed. And the doctor laughed. He said goodbye to everyone and said goodbye to Kolya too. And he went about his business.
Dad went to the service. Mom went to the kitchen.
And Kolya and Petya remained in the room. And they began to play with toys.
And the next day Petya put on his pants himself, and no silly stories happened to him again.

That's not my fault

We sit at the table and eat pancakes.
Suddenly my father takes my plate and starts eating my pancakes. I roar.
Father with glasses. He looks serious. Beard. However, he laughs. He says:
“You see how greedy he is. For his father, he is sorry for one pancake.
I'm talking:
- One pancake, please, eat. I thought you were eating everything.
The soup is brought in. I'm talking:
- Dad, do you want my soup?
Dad says:
- No, I'll wait when they bring sweets. Now, if you give me something sweet, then you are a really kind boy.
Thinking that for sweet cranberry jelly with milk, I say:
- Please. You can eat my sweet.
Suddenly they bring a cream to which I am not indifferent.
Pulling my saucer of cream towards my father, I say:
- Please eat if you are so greedy.
Father frowns and leaves the table.
Mother says:
- Go to your father, ask for forgiveness.
I'm talking:
- I will not go. That's not my fault.
I leave the table without touching the sweets.
In the evening, when I’m in bed, my father comes up. He has my cream saucer in his hands.
Father says:
- Well, why didn't you eat your cream?
I'm talking:
- Dad, let's eat it in half. Why should we quarrel because of this?
My father kisses me and spoon feeds me with cream.

The most important thing

There lived a boy named Andryusha Ryzhenky. It was a cowardly boy. He was afraid of everything. He was afraid of dogs, cows, geese, mice, spiders and even roosters.
But most of all he was afraid of other people's boys.
And the mother of this boy was very, very sad that she had such a cowardly son.
One fine morning, this boy's mother said to him:
- Oh, how bad it is that you are afraid of everything! Only brave people live well in the world. Only they defeat enemies, extinguish fires and courageously fly in airplanes. And for this, everyone loves brave people. And everyone respects them. They give them gifts and orders and medals. And no one likes the cowardly. They are laughed at and made fun of. And this makes their life bad, boring and uninteresting.
The boy Andryusha answered his mother like this:
- From now on, Mom, I decided to be a brave man. And with these words Andryusha went for a walk into the yard. And in the yard the boys played football. These boys, as a rule, hurt Andryusha.
And he was afraid of them like fire. And he always ran away from them. But he didn't run away today. He shouted to them:
- Hey you boys! Today I am not afraid of you! The boys were surprised that Andryusha shouted at them so boldly. And even they themselves were a little scared. And even one of them - Sanka Palochkin - said:
- Today Andryushka Ryzhenky is planning something against us. Let's better leave, otherwise we will probably get from him.
But the boys didn't leave. One pulled Andryusha's nose. Another knocked his cap off his head. The third boy poked Andryusha with his fist. In short, they beat Andryusha a little. And he returned home with a roar.
And at home, wiping away his tears, Andryusha said to his mother:
- Mom, I was brave today, but nothing good came of it.
Mom said:
- A stupid boy. It is not enough to be only brave, you have to be still strong. Courage alone cannot do anything.
And then Andryusha, imperceptibly from his mother, took his grandmother's stick and with this stick went into the yard. I thought: “Now I will be stronger than usual. Now I will scatter the boys in different directions if they attack me. "
Andryusha went out into the yard with a stick. And the boys were gone.
There was a black dog walking there, which Andryusha was always afraid of.
Waving a stick, Andryusha said to this dog: - Just try to bark at me - you will get what you deserve. You will know what a stick is when it walks over your head.
The dog began to bark and rush at Andryusha. Waving a stick, Andryusha hit the dog on the head once or twice, but it ran from behind and tore Andrew's pants a little.
And Andryusha ran home with a roar. And at home, wiping away his tears, he said to his mother:
- Mom, how is this so? Today I was strong and brave, but nothing good came of it. The dog ripped my pants open and nearly bit me.
Mom said:
- Oh, you stupid boy! It is not enough to be brave and strong. You also need to have ingenuity. You have to think and think. And you acted stupidly. You brandished a stick and made the dog angry. That's why she tore your pants. It's your fault.
Andryusha told his mother: - From now on I will think every time when something happens.
And now Andryusha Ryzhenky went out for a walk for the third time. But there was no longer the dog in the yard. And there were no boys either.
Then Andryusha Ryzhenky went out into the street to see where the boys were.
And the boys swam in the river. And Andryusha began to watch them swim.
And at that moment one boy, Sanka Palochkin, drowned in water and began to shout:
- Oh, save me, I'm drowning!
And the boys were afraid that he was drowning, and ran to call the adults to save Sanka.
Andryusha Ryzhenky shouted to Sanka:
- Wait to sink! I'll save you now.
Andryusha wanted to throw himself into the water, but then he thought: “Oh, I don't swim well, and I don't have enough strength to save Sanka. I will act smarter: I will sit in a boat and swim up to Sanka on the boat. "
And there was a fishing boat at the very shore. Andryusha pushed this boat away from the shore and jumped into it himself.
And there were oars in the boat. Andryusha began to beat the water with these oars. But he did not succeed: he did not know how to row. And the current carried the fishing boat to the middle of the river. And Andryusha began to scream out of fear.
And at that moment another boat was sailing along the river. And there were people in this boat.
These people saved Sanya Palochkin. And besides, these people caught up with a fishing boat, took it in tow and brought it to the shore.
Andryusha went home and at home, wiping away his tears, said to his mother:
- Mom, I was brave today, I wanted to save the boy. I was smart today, because I didn’t jump into the water, but swam in a boat. Today I was strong because I pushed a heavy boat off the shore and pounded on the water with heavy oars. But it didn't work out for me.
Mom said:
- A stupid boy! I forgot to tell you the most important thing. It is not enough to be brave, smart and strong. This is too little. You also need to have knowledge. You have to be able to row, be able to swim, ride a horse, fly an airplane. There is a lot to know. You need to know arithmetic and algebra, chemistry and geometry. And in order to know all this, you have to study. He who learns is smart. And who is smart must be brave. And everyone loves the brave and the smart, because they defeat enemies, put out fires, save people and fly on airplanes.
Andryusha said:
- From now on I will learn everything.
And mama said:
- That's good.