How to refuse to a friend in the request. How politely refuse to not offend a person? How to say solid "no": Tips for psychologists, examples of phrases

Olga Vorobiev 9/10/2015 9031

If you do not want or can not fulfill the request of a friend or relative, tell me one of these phrases. They will help politely refuse to anyone.

Honestly confess: I used to know how to tell people "no." I helped everyone who asked for: girlfriends, secondary aids, random fellow travelers, "neighbors" on the storey queue. Not always, their requests were light-fulfilling, often gave me inconvenience.

Once I realized that I need to learn to say "no." And if unauthorized people over time I began to refuse without remorse, then with friends and relatives of things were more difficult - they could be offended by me because of refusal.

As a result, I formulate phrases, which will help to refuse to relatives and friends, and do it as polite as possible. Perhaps these words will come in handy.

Your offer is extremely tempting, but until I can do it

This phrase will suit, for example, if family friends called you with your husband to relax with the tents, and you really don't want to go to the forest because of the annoying mosquitoes and the lack of hot water. And in general, such an option for rest is not interesting for you (probably since studying at the university).

But you are afraid that the refusal will entail unpleasant consequences: friends will no longer offer you not only holidays with tents, but will not be brought into the theater or funny family sites.

I consider such a polite form of failure: you give friends to understand that we are glad to offer them, but explain what circumstances prevent you.

This type of refusal can be applied only a few times. Otherwise, friends will suspect nonladny. However, I see two ways out of this situation: to admit that you do not like to relax with tents or remember youth and still risk.

I would give you money loan, but I have a negative experience

Often, we have to refuse to friends or relatives when they are asking for large amounts of money. I will give an example from life: I always helped my sister if she had lacking money for food to salary. But when she asked to give her a debt to buy a new car, I was tense. Yes, I had some savings, but at that time I planned to fly to rest with the whole family. But the sister, most likely, could not have time to return the money on time.

I had to refuse my native person, saying this phrase. I referred to a real story when the close friend did not return me a debt. She disappeared and even changed the phone number. I lost both friendship and money.

The sister understood me and after the refusal decided to buy a cheaper car. So everyone was in winning.

I can't help you, but I will do for you ...

If you can't or do not want (you have, by the way, full right) to do what a friend or relative asks you, you can deny it that way. The main thing is to offer a pleasant bonus instead of your refusal.

Once a girlfriend asked me to bring her a bag of potatoes from the cottage. And by that time already distributed all extra reserves. I refused to her, but invited all their family to try my new dish -

Say "no" right

General rules of polite refusal:

1. Before refusing, think about whether the request is truly for you. Weigh all "for" and "against".
2. During the failure, do not joke and do not smile. Speak firmly, confident.
3. Try to argue your refusal (if, of course, your arguments will not be offended by a person).
4. Refusing, do, saying that you are very pleased that a person appealed to you.
5. Offer to a friend or relative, a way out of the current situation.
6. Avoid words with a negative color: "Error", "Problem", "Failure", "delusion".

If you are easy to fulfill the request, do what you can ask for a close person. After all, someday and you will have to contact him for help.

One of the most common difficulties is the need to refuse to people. And although there are often situations at work, in which, due to their professional duties, you simply will not be able to say "no", every day there will be other circumstances that provide you with certain freedom of choice. How to take advantage of your right to say "no" and correctly formulate a refusal?

Curlee as follows: without saying "no" at the right moment, you set the needs of another person above their own. Do you really want it? There is a lot of situations at work when your needs are no less important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of colleagues. Remember how often colleagues denied you. And you calmly and without irritation took this answer. So why experience due to the fact that someone will be upset if you behave in the same way?

This problem is that the permanent "yes" is easily included in the habit, and the change in the consolidated behavior is really difficult. Remember your colleagues. You can assume what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your colleagues, getting used to your reliability, most likely become to contact you with so much requests that you simply cannot perform them. Thus, the habit of constantly agree to the request for work will lead you to congestion, because you pick up more than you can do or what you should do. This leads to stress, disorder, hostility, conflict and mistakes, and over time, the situation is only aggravated.

So, the ability to deny when you consider it necessary, - an important skill that needs to be seized. You will probably have situations when you want to help someone, even if it is inconvenient to you. Remember: means respect for your needs and rights to the same way as the rights of others, as well as consent, when needed, to compromise.

Act gradually and do not attempt to do everything at once. Try one new skill and exhaust it until you achieve the result. Be prepared for the fact that not everything will succeed immediately. You want to master new skills, and in the learning process, something new is always both ups and falls.

Many do not like to say "no", considering that there is the only way to do is a direct failure. Such "no" may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression that I want to make at work. You strive to establish a good relationship with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for yourself - your health and well-being. So you should be able to say "no", but so to demonstrate respect for the needs of another person. There are different ways to refuse that depend on the situation. Here are three basic options.

Direct refusal - The most uncompromising way, and it is rarely suitable for use at work. It is most often resorted to him when someone's rights are violated. In such cases, you can add loudly and firmly: "You don't hear, I said no."

Please provide additional information or promise "somehow another time" - Ability to discuss, despite the fact that the refusal remains among the possible options.

Thoughtful "no" - The most delicate way, as you show that they listened to the interlocutor.

Next, I will explain in detail that it represents each of these options, but the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude towards it and the one who is requesting, because it may be your mentor, direct supervisor, colleague or a member of the team that you really Want to help.

Do not try to radically and simultaneously change your behavioral behavior. This is especially true of failures, since you can shock colleagues that do not expect that Leopard suddenly change its coloring. It is much better to start with a small, hard to train and change gradually.

9 ways to say "no"

Each of us in life there are situations when you just need to say "no". But for some reason, instead of refusal, we begin to spin and clamp, and in the end we pronounce such hated for ourselves "well, I will try."

After that, endless experiences and remorse are beginning, because it is often not able to restrain the promise, and you have to invent more and more new excuses.

What's wrong

What happens to us at that moment when the heart suddenly stops disturbing, and we do not decide to pronounce a simple short word, fearing offending the interlocutor?

"The ability to say" no "is also a certain skill. If there are some problems, and a person cannot refuse, it is necessary to figure it out and understand how this stop is, "said Natalia Olentsova, the head of the Academy of Successful Women.

Often we get into the situation when it seems as if after the refusal about us will be bad. From here, this insecurity arises, fear will seem rude or unuse. But it is easy to overcome this problem if you follow certain rules.

View from the outside

Let's try to look at the situation from the side. It seems to other people are not difficult to answer us "no". It is on such interlocutors that need to pay attention.

"Look at how other people do. They refuse to you, explaining that it is uncomfortable. But this is not at all means that you do not want to help, "says Natalia Olentsova.

Imagination game

Let's play one simple game. Only now you need to imagine yourself at the place of a person who can easily respond to the refusal. Imagine that our character is all right with self-esteem. How would he do in this situation? How would he say "no"? We boldly reproduce what "heard" just.

Second words

It would also be nice to have their own imaginary dictionary of the most expressions we are going to refuse. Often we succumb to emotions and can or answer too sharply, or reluctantly agree. There are clear formulations that allow you to deny beautifully.

"I would love to help you with pleasure, but I will not succeed. I already have my own plans and your affairs. It sounds quite gently and worthy, "the image makes an example.

No rush

There is no hurry to respond sharply "no" until they have heard the interlocutor. You must always watch yourself and be able to do pauses.

"Do not pour something right away, and it is understood that you feel that you want to do in response to a request," Natalia advises, "then we remember that the most decent woman and deserve to refuse."

Confident perseverance

If we still decided and were able to respond with refusal, there is a chance that your "no" will have to repeat again. The interlocutor can be trapped in every way and invent all new ways to convince us that we should help him. But the second time, as a rule, deny it easier. The main thing is not to justify, but firmly and confidently repeat secret words.

There are a lot of people in the world, which are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is many referred to the advantages of a person, because it is beneficial - always "having at hand" such a "trouble-free" to throw part of its problems.

However, rarely who gives himself a work to think: maybe a person just can not refuse?

In people who cannot say no, it is often not enough time for their own affairs and a personal life, although they can count on their dubious compliment as a good reason for their reliability.

Thoughtless people are always like a magnet, attract people who actively use them inappropriate. We can say that the executioner is looking for a sacrifice, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the "bad task" suddenly rebels and abandoned the role of sticks-corrosive, he will immediately be accused of terry egoism and heartlessness.

There are golden words that should be remembered to everyone: "Live as you want, it yourself is not egoism. Egoism is when others should think and live the way you want. "

Why are people afraid to say no?

People who fulfill other people's requests contrary to their wishes, most often have a soft and indecisive nature. In the soul, they really want to utter "no", but they are so afraid to put in an awkward position or offend the refusal of another person, that through force they force themselves to do what they do not like them at all.

Many people in the future regret that they once wanted, but could not say "no."

Often, people, refusing, utter the word "no" as if they feel guilty of something, "it seems to them that some unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to that they refuse, and "no" causes a negative reaction with them - they are rustling, breaking relations, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming no one needs and stay alone.

How to refuse politely?

Saying "no," we often find yourself enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or take over the fulfillment of our obligations. Moreover, it is not necessary to deny a rough form. For example, the same diplomats are trying not to pronounce "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "let's discuss it."

Speaking "No", it is worth remembering that:

this word is able to protect against problems;

may mean "yes" if they pronounce it uncertainly;

successful people more often say "no" than "yes";

reficuring that we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel the winner.

There are several simple ways of polite refusal, which show that this task is for everyone.

1. Frank refusal

Some people believe that, refusing something, it is necessary to immediately call the reason for refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, the explanations will look like an excuse, and excuses will give asking hope that you can change your opinion. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for refusal. If you invent it, in the future, a lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who tells insincere, often gives himself a faithful and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say "no" without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal, saying: "No, I can't do it," I don't want to do it, "I have no time for it."

If a person misses these words by ears and continues to insist, you can use the method of "spoiled record", repeating the same words of refusal after each of its tirada. No need to interrupt the speaking objections and ask questions - just say no.

This method is suitable for refusing to people aggressive and unnecessary.

2. Slow refusal

This technique is suitable for refusing to people who tend to seek their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but you can't help.

For example, "I am very sorry for me, but I can not help anything." Or "I see that it is not easy for you, but I cannot solve your problem."

3. Ronated refusal

This is a fairly polite failure and can be used in any atmosphere - formal and informal. It will also be suitable in refusing to people of older, and with refusal to people who occupy a higher position on the service staircase.

This refusal suggests that you call the actual reason why you cannot fulfill the request: "I can't do it, because tomorrow I go with a child in the theater", etc.

It will be even more convincing if you call not one reason, but three. This technique is called - a refusal for three reasons. The main thing when it is used is the brief of the wording so that the requested quickly caught the essence.

4. Deferred refusal

It may take advantage of this method for whom to refuse to someone in the request - a psychological drama, and they almost automatically meet the consent to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their right and tend to infinitely analyze their actions.

The delayed failure allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice to friends. His essence is not to say "no" immediately, but ask the time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself from rapid steps.

The reasonable refusal may look like this: "I can't answer now, because I do not remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I agreed to meet with someone. I need to see my weekly to clarify. " Or "I need to consult at home", "I need to think. I will say later "etc.

It is possible to refuse people who are asserted and will not suffer objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a refusal half, because we want to help a person, but not completely, and partly, and not on its conditions that seem unreal to us, but on their own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions of the help - which and when we can and what is not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with my own, but only let him be assembled to eight o'clock." Or "I can help you make repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions for the aspecting do not arrange, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

He assumes a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or can not, but together with the problem of solving the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who is engaged in these issues." Or "maybe I can help you otherwise?".

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, it is possible to argue that it is necessary to help people and what, refusing to others, we yourself risk to be in a difficult situation when we have nothing to count on someone's help. Note that it is only about the requests of people who are accustomed to "playing in the same gate," they believe that they are all obliged and abused by the reliability of other people.

It is believed that man is psychologically much more comfortable to agree, than to respond to the refusal. And indeed, many have great difficulties in order to say "no", even if they objectively have all the moral and legitimate rights to refuse. We suggest you do not ignore the right to negative answers and give several soviets, how to learn to refuse And do not worry about this.

Why is it important to be able to say no

Feeling of guilt and awkwardness, anger on yourself and one who turned to you lost time money etc., execution alien work, decision other people's problems etc. - Here are just part of those consequences that those who do not know how to correctly refuse. Plus to what torn plans, problems with friends or family memberswhich "comment" to perform the next request, permanent stress, lack of time and other "joy of life", up to serious psychological problems. And all due to difficulties in order to say no.

Here I will add the fact that many manipulators know perfectly (on a conscious or subconscious level), which of their environment can not refuse, and begin to actively use it. It is in this way some begin to work for two, regularly sit with other people's children or they take on an ongoing basis to solve other people's problems. But even if you were fortunate enough and there are no manipulators in your environment (or they could not adapt you to solve their goals), the ability to refuse in the request or something like you will probably come in handy.

Of course, we do not suggest talking not to everyone (especially before the question was voiced). We just want to help you learn to refuse and not feel bad. Therefore, in this article, we do not offer you universal "rations" for all occasions: in the center of our attention is not excuses, and the process itself, how best to refuse to not offend anyone and do not feel inland torments.

Why and who we don't love to refuse

Before proceeding to practical advice, how to correct people, we will think why we are generally given to us? In relation to different personalities, different reasons come into business, however, you can allocate the most typical. As with many other questions
Knowledge of the cause is needed to further select the correct strategy of actions.

Some prefer not to refuse, because each request / offer to them elevates them in their eyes, raises self-esteem.
Such people like to feel necessary and helpful, they like the feeling that they need. And here, as in the case of universal adoration, among other things, it is important to work with the root cause of such a state.