Anton Lirnik: Three in Thailand, not counting dogs. What is better, car rental in Thailand or bike? Anton Lirnik Three in Thailand

Updated: 2017-1-24

Oleg Lazhechnikov

I go here the second week on the car on Samui, and I can't understand that it is not. Like and do not like me on it, although it seems to be a car more comfortable vehicle. In general, some conclusions can already be done. I share :)

To begin, I want to say that I have enough driving experience, how no longer about the wheel for the wheel: and I had to work at one time, and went to Europe, and I rode in Russia. This is me to the fact that I feel pretty confidently feeling behind the wheel, despite the right steering wheel and left-sided movement.

Summary

In fact, my conclusion is such regarding moving inside the resorts: if you go somewhere in a particular place, then it is quite convenient to go by car. But, if you are going to simply look around, increase some store or something interesting on the way, then this is some kind of cortex. The road is narrow, it is difficult to stop, because the stream goes for you, often you simply fly by, because it is completely slow somehow not to ethically go. I tried to ride the car just without a goal around the sides, so much interestingly slipped, because it is not always convenient to unfold ...

But if you go along the highway, on the contrary, the car and only the car. Perfectly traveled by car over the north of Thailand, hardening the circles around Chiang Mai, perfectly traveled from Bangkok to Krabi, Phuket and back. Moreover, after traveling to all sorts of national parks, the resorts on the way. Sitver even slept in the car, tired and stopped to build a few hours, very convenient.

Choosing between the bike or machine, most often people are guided by the price. But I would still have thought of driving safety. I know that thousands of people go to the bike, but they are less. Who solves it for themselves, it all depends on personal preferences, budget, fears and experience. So, in fact, these are these two factors and are defining for most people, the choice is yours.

P.S. To advise that I will not take a rent, I myself like the feeling of riding on a bike, but with a child or for long-term distils, I personally always choose the car.

Lifehak 1 - how to buy good insurance

Choose insurance is now unrealistic difficult, so in helping to all travelers I make a rating. For this, constantly monitor the forums, studying insurance contracts and I myself use insurance.

Lifehak 2 - how to find a hotel by 20% cheaper

Thank you for reading

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  This is the Debut Book of Anton Lirnik, the famous comedyikabovts and a duet participant in Chekhov. The main character plans to celebrate the New Year in the company of parents. But suggestions with old buddies are unexpectedly turning to the overseas voyage. Three friends step on the Earth of Thailand, running away from the Urals on a tropical island. And when the Russian tourist gets into someone else's country, the adventures are started around it by itself: crocodiles and diving, Thai boxing and Full Moon Party, fiery food and ice drinks of different levels of the fortress ... The funniest book of 2014! For all fans of the "features of the national hunting" and "hangover in Vegas"!

  Book of humorous book Anton Lirnika " Three in Thailand, not counting dogs"You can call traditional: the pre-holiday feast mysteriously flows into a rapid rest - and the heroes are in the distant edge. Adventures of Russian tourists in Thailand.

  Anton Lirnik

  Three in Thailand, not counting dogs

  Now, when I am writing this preface, the book is not finished yet. But as soon as the text is ready, in this place there will be a trustee and not devoid of self-irony the author's appeal to readers. In which I will inform you that the book, they say, the first, and, they say, do not judge strictly. And I will say "Thank you" to everyone who needs to say "Thank you." And I am always the rest that the work has nothing to do with real people and enterprises. And please note that the book is designed for a wide reader audience. And finally, I will give the hope that my modest creation will appeal to all: and those who laughs loudly, revising the "hangover in Vegas", and those who quietly laugh, rereading "three in the boat". And I will add that it is the author of the last work that I dedicate my book. Thank you for my happy childhood, dear Jerome K. Jerome!

  
  

  Anton Lirnik, Autumn 2013

  Chapter first,

  in which the reader will get acquainted with the main heroes of this story, knows the true joy of meeting old friends, and at the same time he will feel all the destructive impact of such meetings for the fragile human body

  
  

  Vasily Ivanovich, so enough, do not indulge! - My heels continued to be inexorably tickled, I tried my best not to laugh. But here the claw was in the leg. It was too. I threw slippers in the Vaska, and the cat was offended at the table. Rising from the sofa, I stretched sweetly. The gray Morning Morning Slowly fastened to the window.

  
  

  Still, it's good that yesterday I did not get drunk. New Year's corporaters - a cunning thing. At first, everyone utters toasts in honor of the director. An hour later, they begin to dance under Serda. Then they play the twister, step by hand on ties and dresses. Then the speeches are still shorter, the glasses are increasingly fully, and the ladies are good with every minute. In the morning you find yourself in the Kamorca Zagokhoz and with the bracket of the chubby in his pocket. This time I was restrained, I drank a little - the shore of the liver. I will not hide, it was boring. In addition, the pretty office manager Nina, insulted by my restraint, went to sick on the deputy director's shoulder. But in a mobile phone, a slight collection of a compromising was attached to the pore.

  Behind the window Rojde Megapolis, Muscovites were making a job. And I have already started the New Year holidays. Our director is a big connoisseur of human souls. Let me go all for a walk from December 24th. So after lunch, I was going to fly to my native Yekaterinburg. Having accepted the shower and a cup of coffee, I'm a crown with a battery of cropted socks and began to gather. The door was called.

  
  

  Artyom, Vasya, the better feed: liver or kidneys? - asked her neighbor Claudia Stepanovna. The former ballerina entered my bachelor's apartment with a well-worked grace.

  One time, only hard to indulge. Last time, he did so utterly on your diet, that he jumped to my chest and almost broke the rib. - The old woman is giggled.

  So you fly home? When will you come back?

  I don't know yet, "I replied, laying things in the bag," you will not push my friends.

  I do remember. How did they sing when that winter was attached?

  - "Misha from Seryozh received on Roger!"

  Yeah. Seryozha - Is that small? Good boy, so polite. - Elderly neighbor, due to naivety, took the condition of the state of cure for politeness.

  Well, tie to the track!

  With mournful persons, we sat down on the chairs, I took the cat's hands.

  Vasily Ivanovich, lets the older. Claudia Stepanovna do not be sad, cats do not drive, obstruct yourself and their country!

  
  

  Two hours later I was already in the airport building. In my graduation of transport hubs, the airport is certainly ranked first. The airport is not at all chutter railway stations and Saraine Type bus stations, smelling beggars and cement. Everything in it is solemnly: both passengers, and airplanes, and stacks of gray bore in front of the frame, and the hair stewardess, forever grown something on the back of the back. I went to the plane and sat down on my rightmost place 16D. Like all passengers, my face adopted a majestic expression. It happens with each who is involved in the process, but not involved in its implementation. The chair next to me was still empty. I hoped that he would take "mysterious stranger." Of course, such fantasies are somewhat foolish for thirty-lummy, albeit unfulfilled, men.

  
  

  Sorry, here is a place 16e? - Stranger, slightly squinting, examined numbers on the panels. Under the fur coat, the short-fitting dress is slightly above the knees. On the neck - a light handkerchief. The image of the fellow travelers complemented pearl lipstick on a slightly swelling lips and the smell of perfume. My inner hussar grinned and mentally twisted the mustache.

  Please, please let me lay your bag!

  Thank you, Bratan, I will put a bag! - Because of the girl materialized the second neighbor. Before the complex of Gerard Depardieu, he lacked grams of three hundred. However, two of them he already accepted. It is good that before Ekaterinburg just a couple of hours leu. The girl slipped to the window, and the healthy-looking softly squeezed himself in the chair between us. I felt the first attack of Aerophobia.

  Lena, give a flask. Well, chy, chuck in a sip? - The second phrase was intended to me.

  Thank you, I treat my parents. I do not want to upset the mother with the overeat.

  Mom is holy! For parents! - said the slazen and thoroughly attached to the flask.

  * * *

  Smooth landing. While I applauded with the rest of the passengers, my neighbor trembled enthusiastically into the porthole. His secretary (for his wife she was too downtown) led another bird-poultry war in the telephone. At Koltsovo Airport, everyone immediately rushed to the luggage mills. My suitcase is performed first, and I with a sense of deep moral satisfaction went into the waiting room. Where immediately saw a redhead guy with a sign "Yolkin" in the upper limbs. Grinning taxi drivers crowded around him.

  
  

  Hey, don't you meet me?

  Artyom Eklin?

  He is.

  Thank God. And then these gamadrils have been teased with "Palkin" for five minutes.

  I understand, at school and did not hear it.

  Igor Igor, Mikhail Matveyevich ordered you, - Igor simultaneously spoke to me and looked into a piece of paper, which he squeezed in his hand.

  Do you have a welcome speech text?

  No, this is Mikhail Matveyevich described you, just in case.

  Dai-ka see, "catching a piece of paper from the wrinkled Igor from hand, I began to read my orientation. "Brunette, medium height, a small belly, the eyes of Karie. Elegant, as he thinks, bristles. " I raised my brown eyes on Igor.

  This is the Debut Book of Anton Lirnik, the famous comedyikabovts and a duet participant in Chekhov. The main character plans to celebrate the New Year in the company of parents. But suggestions with old buddies are unexpectedly turning to the overseas voyage. Three friends step on the Earth of Thailand, running away from the Urals on a tropical island. And when the Russian tourist gets into someone else's country, the adventures are started around it by itself: crocodiles and diving, Thai boxing and Full Moon Party, fiery food and ice drinks of different levels of the fortress ... The funniest book of 2014! For all fans of the "features of the national hunting" and "hangover in Vegas"!

  * * *

  Led Book Foreign Fragment Three in Thailand, not counting dogs (Anton Lirnik, 2014) Granted by our book partner - LITRES.

  Chapter

  In Koltsovo Airport, we arrived, almost recovering from shock. Along the way from the car to the entrance to the Makar Terminal, just a couple of times looked through the shoulder. But in the door, he gathered himself with the Spirit, and cheerfully stepped inside, at a barish swinging the bastard. Behind him, the seed of Laptev, pressing his strange package to his chest, and I traditionally closed the march. As a trample, rattling with flats on the tile, my suitcase spoke.

  
  

  Near the luggage packters Laptev was worried:

  - You need to pack baggage.

  - What do you pack, Seryozha?

  A special man on a spinning machine quickly turned the sergean package into a small brilliant watermelon.

  
  

  We approached the caravel wedge to the reception.

  "Your passports, please," said beauty, smiling one Michael. Chujka they have, or what? We began to clap themselves on pockets, depicting Makaren. The first interrupted the Laptev dance:

  - They are ...

  - Well, come on, you see, the lady waits!

  "They are here," Sergey gloomily showed his Arbusik Mishe.

  - So print it rather! Do not delay the process! One minute, young lady, now everything will be.

  Puffy, Laptev has chosen the packaging and removing from the package of our passports.

  - Yeah, but also passports. As many as three, hehe, well, we are three, well, you understood!

  - I am now ...

  - Sergey, where are you? Do not go!

  But the araphak was already blocked in the direction of the baggage packaging. The girl, slightly frowning, studied the documents.

  - Very good, and now your tickets, please.

  Salmon smiling Makarov began to twist his head in search of Laptev.

  - Now, minute. Seryozha, where do you go all the time, eh?

  - I seal a package on a new one.

  - Handsome, where are our tickets?

  
  

  We have already accumulated the queue. Dozens of eyes gently drilled our napes to look. Repeatedly by plaguing the plastic cocoon with the nails, Laptev extended the girl's tickets and twisted again. The girl looked at the tickets carefully and raised his head, stumbled upon our indulgent smiles. After making sure that it was not quite adequate people, she moved to a reduced narration rate.

  - These are reverse. Tickets. And I need from Yekaterinburg in Bangkok.

  Makarov quietly sawed and turned around, bolding in Sergey with his next "watermelon" in his hands.

  - Laptev! What Leshell did you get the return tickets?

  - How are "back?"

  - And ... well ... the opposite will also be useful to us ...

  - They are today! Did you go to fly to Thailand today and return today?!

  - And I did not have to rush me!

  - Who hurried you?! No need to glue my fingers instead of doing everything in human!

  While Misha Pinala Arbusik Corridge as a soccer ball, the girl explained to me where to buy tickets for the nearest flight to Bangkok.

  
  

  The box office found out that there are no tickets. Slightly breathed after a series of penalty, Misha included his charm on the full coil:

  - Girl, cute, did you really have a day when you needed to fly in Bangkok? Look again, this is a question of life and death vo, with glued fingers.

  - There is one option, but I do not know if he will suit you ...

  - Do not languish! If you need to fly standing, then I agree ...

  - No, you will need to fly, but in business class.

  - Ta-a-ak, and how much is this pleasure?

  - Forty thousand.

  - Fine. And what is so cheap?

  - This is for one.

  - Price in rubles, I hope?

  - Sure.

  - UV. Now fine. Please take me again, is it the cost of flying in both ends?

  - No, in one.

  - So, together will be 120 thousand. And in both ends - 240 thousand rubles. Yep.

  His pause, and in the eyes of Makarov flashed doubt. But then he, apparently, presented how he returned home in the evening, - and decided.

  - Okay. Let's while on one side tickets. In extreme cases, I will leave them there if you behave badly!

  
  

  The girl at the reception reviewed our tickets three times before I was convinced that we did not confuse anything. I was the only one who passed my baggage. I was the first to approached the frame of the metal detector. Removed the belt, laid out a trifle out of his pockets ...

  - Man, and what is it like this? - Customs officer Spit in his hands a glass ball.

  - This is an eye.

  - Why is he you?

  - Spare.

  - Go through, just children in the plane do not show it.

  - What does I look like a person who shows something to children?

  
  

  Misha ranked on the frame, like a tram on the crossroads. Fooling from the forehead of the stood strand of the hair, the customs officer asked:

  - A man, maybe you have a metal plate in your head?

  - There is nothing in my head.

  - Check again, have you all pulled out of your pockets?

  
  

  Makarov shrugged, and removing from the pocket bundle of keys with a large metal hedgehog. Once on the other side of the metal detector, Misha pushed me with his elbow and nodded himself behind his back. Having hoped his breath, I watched, how Sergey sled through the frame.

  - What do you have in the package?

  - Yes, nothing unusual.

  - Why did you pack it?

  - Isn't it impossible?

  - Unpack, please.

  - It is necessary?

  - Please unpack luggage!

  Sergey's spent movement served with polyethylene peel with package. (Who will be brushing to us in Thailand oranges!) Contrary to our fears and hopes of the customs officer, there was nothing forbidden inside: a cup, a mouse pad, a stationery knife, Kutuzov bustik and a bunch of markers. Obviously, Laptev, dismissed from work, took personal belongings, and so I wore them with you.

  
  

  - The stationery knife will have to leave, this is a weapon!

  - What is this weapon?

  - Cold, you easily come to them!

  - Good, take. Now I'm not dangerous? - Laptev asked silently. Customs worker silently handed him a stacked package.

  - Yes, now you are temporarily not dangerous. And what about your fingers? - the customs officer looked suspiciously to Sergey, and then on us with Misha.

  - This is congenital, comrade officer, we are in Thailand on the operation.

  Finally, we ended up in the international zone. The fragrances of perfumes and coffee were twisted in the air. Where to go censored gentleman: in a bar or in Duty Friend? The triumphant Laptev twisted his head in all directions.

  
  

  - Friends, I'm in a smoking room.

  - Seryoga, you do not smoke!

  - Tobacco - I do not smoke. But what am I, in vain arranged these distracting maneuvers on the frame?

  Laptev honedly moving removal from the pocket of a small plastic cigarette and showed us its contents. When I realized what cargo of our fleece friend was carried through the customs, I had a hair on my back. Inside the ports were lying three jams, decorated with colored stripes. Sergey began to explain:

  "Red is the" arrows of Amur ", blue -" Mad Macaque ", and the black -" wind whisper ".

  - And what does it mean?

  - "Mad Macak" increases aggressiveness. "Arrows Amur" have a romance ...

  - Nafig you in the plane? - Vlez Misha.

  - ... And the "wind sounds" - soothes! The most thing. Who is with me?

  - No one! Go already, nerd Khrins! "Makarov turned gray in the direction of the toilet, and that cheerfully walked away. We looked after him, sighting something wrong.

  - And if he confuses and reveal the "mad macak"?

  - His knife was selected. Will be raging - we will connect.

  
  

  Laptop Laptev to meet with his demons, we decided to go along the traditional path and scored in Duty Frei Tequila and Roma. Holding a small queue, we came to the checkout.

  "Girl, you are for the packages for another one," I asked.

  - Why is it?

  - And for my last time on a pad, the handle broke off. Tequila crashed, I had to lick straight from the steps, without lime and salt.

  
  

  Leaving Misha to pay, I went to the bar. Sergey was already there. He talked to the busty bartialist. Judging by the burning eyes, our herbaluba was still hit by "Arrow Amur". Okay. He did not beat anyone and did not run in her sheet, it was already luck. However, Barmershe was that listen to:

  - ... That day we bombarded the plasma with rapid neutrons. I was in step from the sensational discovery. It remained to verify crystal lattices ...

  The speaker in his hand walked a brandy glass. Obviously, not so long ago, the glass was full.

  - Is it not too early, Sergey Stepanovich?

  - Just yesterday the statute of limitations. Now I can tell the world about a terrible tragedy that happened to Professor Salle.

  - It is you? - the maiden blinked in surprise on me. I did not have time to answer, Laptev did it for me.

  - What? No, it is Artem Ilyich, my colleague. And this is Luda.

  - That's noticeable.

  - Artyom Ilyich - a nuclear physicist in the fifth generation. So I will continue. In that terrible day ...

  
  

  I looked at Sergey with caution. I do not know that there was sold under the name "Arrow Amur", but the changes in Laptev have a cardinal. From a slender botanist, he turned into a heroic personality: the posture was corrected, the metal rang in his voice, the brilliance of the Nobel laureate's eye was lit up.

  
  

  - ... In that terrible day, we worked with a professor at the accelerator of elementary particles. Everything was somehow not fitted from the morning. From the overwork, my hands trembled ...

  - So what happened? - People drowned from curiosity. I decided to connect to the spectral and intercepted the thread of the conversation:

  - Just at that moment I had to bring Sergey Stepanovich a special stimulator and already approached the door of the accelerator, and here ... Sorry, Luda, tears shed, splashing me rum ...

  - And I rime, man.

  - Maybe you will not interfere, Sergey Stepanovich?

  - Who? You? What? So I will continue. As soon as Artyom Ilyich approached the door of the accelerator, a terrible explosion sounded. I was thrown to the reactor, and Professor, oh, sorry, he, he ...

  - It could not be saved. And Sergey Stepanovich, after entering the active zone of the reactor, the fingers collapsed on the hand. Yes, and on his legs ...

  
  

  - What's with your feet? - Misha's heavy packages came to the bar.

  - And this is Mikhail Matveyevich, Doctor of Technical Sciences, - Pushing Misha Elchock, I whispered: - We are nuclear physicists, ride.

  - Mikhail Matveyevich, we just wanted to remember Professor Salia.

  Luda has a tear crawled on the cheek. Makarov Morgall, not entering the situation. Laptev theatrically rolled his eyes, and I decided that it was time to put the point in the story.

  - Lyudochka, do not cry. We did it for the sake of such as you, civilians. And in memory of the professor, I wear it with me, - the glass eye of the guard restaurant "spikes" knocked about the bar. Mowing a short Schlip, Bartelesh was swung to faint.

  At the entrance to the aircraft, the stewardess of Kosos called our overcrowded packages and reminded that it was forbidden to drink alcoholic beverages on board. Misha sincerely, childishly surprised:

  - What else to do with them? Pour on the floor and ships to let?

  - Soon they will introduce a rule, and you will take the bottle for storage of the crew!

  - And who will they keep them, captain? - Misha did not give up.

  - No, during the flight the captain is a bit busy! This will take other people.

  - We can be! Take on the floor-rash?

  - I will see that drink - there will be a scandal! - Stewardles included inexorability.

  - And if I have an erotic service? - Misha was in his repertoire.

  - What service?

  - Show your chest!

  - Yes, even three!

  
  

  Flying on a sober head essence of perversion. What is the bad business class? The fact that the stewardess sits right on the contrary and does not take off his little evil eyes from you. Scrap with champagne, that she gave us, immediately ended. New did not relieve. Boredom and anger sat down on our armrests.

  - It's just some kind of garbage! - Misha boiled.

  I myself was on the platoon, but I tried to distract him:

  - But we fly a business class behind a mysterious curtain. And for lunch, instead of plastic buns, we will give a piece of meat.

  - I do not eat meat! - Pull oil to Fire Sergey Stepanovich, than finally brought me out of myself.

  - Then expect your cellophane package!

  - He is not cellophane. And polyethylene! And in general, what are you so evil?

  - Because us, unlike you, the arrows of Amur were passed!

  - It yourself is guilty. I offered you. By the way, I now offer.

  - Sergey, we will not smoke Drap on the plane!

  - Misha, do not suggest the range of pleasures. While you were slaughtered tequila, I bought a gin bottle and two liters of tonic. And now I have two liters of very strong gin tonic. In a bottle from Tonic, do not take it! Voila!

  Misha looked at Sergey, and in this glance I saw him gave Laptev forgiveness for all his past and some future sorts. The plane began acceleration, and we simultaneously with it. By the time Yekaterinburg disappeared behind the waist of the clouds, we were covered with the most stronger Jean Tonic.

  I woke up from the fact that I was seagull on my chest. Where I am? Smelled sea. Since the last thing I remembered was the plane, I was immediately floating. Wait we fell? But how could I sleep? I think that the process was to be noisy: screams, Röv Motors, a blow to the water surface. Paul under me vibrated. I drove the seicle with a loud wheezing, and with difficulty raised the buzzing head. Near the tarpaulter lay Misha, he was unusual. Suddenly, my hand sank on my shoulder. I did not have a strength to shudder and nervously looking around, so I slowly turned the universe around myself. I prevailed Seryozha and stretched the can of beer. So, the plane did not fall: after the crash, the beer is not issued.

  
  

  - Where are we? I asked after the third throat of beer and the second air throat.

  - On the ferry, we go to the pangan.

  - Oh my God. How did we get on the ferry?

  - At first we were on the plane.

  - I remember it.

  - Then they drank, and you went to the toilet.

  - That's what I do not know, because then we did not touch you. Under the end of the flight, I started experiencing anxiety with a lung anxiety. And Misha went to the pilots.

  - Ask, if you did not fall. Then we found you. You just turned the stewardess about nuclear synthesis and offered to do it.

  - What why?"

  "Why are you telling me that you tell me so much?"

  - Well, I can also tell short.

  - Come on, and then from your details it becomes a shame. Short!

  
  

  Laptev sipped beer and briefly retold the events of the last clock. Namely:

  1) as at Bangkok airport Misha Croquilized and demanded to accelerate passport control;

  2) How I did not want to be photographed on a visa and was crying, like a small demon;

  3) As we were in the cut, while the aircraft (already else) uses us from Bangkok to the coast;

  4) Local photographed with us;

  5) How Sergey collected money for this attraction;

  6) As for the money collected, he bought beer, bus tickets to the ferry and to the ferry himself.

  
  

  - Water - s, - heard from below. Misha came to himself. Sergey began to poison his beer like a small chick.

  - Misha, remember how you rushed to manage the bus when we drove from the airport?

  - Lapo, are you in your mind?! I have no category for the bus.

  - Did not have. And now there is! Keep. You have the right to take the right. It is necessary only to change the photo.

  - It's all because of you! Pumping us with your gin-tonic. Cocktail, cocktail! So we turned into cattle.

  - turned?!

  - Phangan! - shouted from somewhere the sailorik and, smiling, showed the distance. Right at the rate of the island impairing in the greenery appeared. He was beautiful. (Island, of course, not a sailor).

  
  

  On the pier, all tourists have fed out all the tourists, and we remained alone. Winter jackets and caps in her arms gave us a Maraudori view. Kosy Taika came to me and the hotel booklet was awarded with a bow.

  - No, No, Thanks. WE Need Hotel "Russian Star", how can we get there?

  In response, Taika shifted something at the local adveria. Misha disfigured himself.

  - What she wants? Hey, Seryoga, you know in their world, explain the aunt to roll up.

  - Tia. Sauqua Tii!

  - Do not pull, ask how we get to our hotel.

  - Misha, I'm just a good day learned. The rest with the dictionary.

  - Well, you and the ram, with the dictionary! Okay, we went to her, but there is no strength, - Misha surrendered unexpectedly quickly. We also did not have the desire to argue, so we quietly sat down in the car suggested by the aunt, they drove to some hotel, they descended to their beds and fell asleep to Stakhanov.

  Thailand is a wonderful sunny country in Southeast Asia. Jungle, beaches, monks, elephants, coconuts and beauties capture your consciousness immediately and irrevocably, outer fatigue and negative. Anyone who arrived in Thailand is filled with force, health and energy. The main thing is not to be in the cut or at least figure out where the floor, and where the ceiling. But not all this. As one of my friend said: "The man is weak ... and Portwine is strong."

  
  

  Opening his eyes, I did not immediately understand where I and to which biological mind belonging. But I realized that this is my third hangover for three days, and I don't like such arithmetic. It was necessary to get up and warm up, but the mines enough only to rotate through the eyes. I looked around and realized that we were in the hotel. Then I sniffed. You can imagine that it is a hotel room consisting of beds, bedside tables and three men who did not wash out a few days and pumped up alcohol? The air in this room can be cut with a knife and fold the wall like bricks. It is good that before bedtime we could not remove shoes. It was unbearably hot and unbearably stuffy. In my temple slowly crawled the droplet of sweat.

  
  

  - Hello! How Are you you? Wake Up and Go to the Beach with US! - These sounds said the talking head. She was in the doorway. And, most likely, attached to the body. Inside face decorated loose nose, covered with mesh blue vein. While I thought the body and the head were reunited, and the stranger fully entered the door. It would be better if he did not do this. His barrel torso rested on curves, and the long hands intimately covered their knees. The man was extremely hairy, as if she was preparing to join Dagestan national team. Maybe this is a local animator?

  
  

  - Drum ... - ran away from below. I was dejauba. Misha traditionally portrayed the soil in our ecosystem, elegantly merging with the floor.

  - Hi! I Am Tom, Do You Need Some Help? - No, it is clearly not an animator. With such a nose, it would be kicked immediately after adoption. Hearing incomprehensible English speech, Misha expressively dropped his head on the floor and climbed in Impsal despair.

  - Hey, Claire! Maybe You Can Help Them? - Tom turned around and called someone. Now we admired his ass, tightened into the red panties. On the shorts the monkey was depicted, the banana is depicted. I was bad.

  
  

  A lady appeared in the doorway in the doorway. Her face kept traces of the former beauty, which were lost among countless rustling. The tattoo of the famous language "Rolling Stones" on the shoulder and a T-shirt with a trillery gave it a secular rebar in it. Slender, almost skinny Claire next to the dressing and hairy volume looked like Gypsy Dystrophic next to his trained bear.

  - Tom, Shame on You! Leave The Guys Alone, Let "S GO! - The door slammed, the strange guests disappeared, and I could no longer vouch that they didn't be hardened. I stared at Misha, but he is at me, just like at the end of scenes in soap operations, When the actor ends the text.

  
  

  - Where are we? And what kind of freaks were leaving for us, eh? And why am I lying on the floor, and you on the beds? - Like Yulia Caesar, Misha was doing three things at the same time: I was lying, indignantly and filled the room with the overo.

  - Misha, not Shumi, and so the head is fastened! - I cheated.

  - He head fastened? And I have the whole body cracks! It is necessary, the investor trips to throw on the floor, like a dog! By the way, where is Seryozha?

  "Uh-uh," came out on the other bed. It was hard to understand what Laptev does: whether the alphabet repeats from the end, or is trying to say something to us.

  - Laptev, use consonants, it will be easier! - My sarcasm hurts with a hangover.

  - Oh, found. Kaba still said, "Makarov began to try to get up gramnog.

  - Uh-uh ... you fell on the floor, I fought you yesterday and yesterday, and you screamed that it was not so hot on the floor! - Spent returned to Sergey. - And who are these two, I do not know. But judging by the accent, they are from Britain.

  
  

  Later we found out that Tom and Claire really from England. They come to Thailand every year and rest on Phangan Island for several months. British social guarantees and carefree life turned these elderly lovers to pull out in ideal consumers of local alcohol and light drugs. And when we started telling them about the Russian realities, they laughed before you fall. Rutting the mouths like cubes, they were waiting for all new stories from us during evening gatherings. True, it happened not often, because in the evening this couple was usually removed in the trash, destroying a persistent myth of the most obsolent British.

  
  

  I began to inspect the number. Imagine that you went to the elevator on the first floor, went down, but instead of underground parking drove a little further and got into hell. The room reminded me of a rest room in the district centered bus station. Usually there are four carciro beds with lumpy mattresses in such cloakes. Three of them are constantly equipped with: a) Alkash-supplied, b) ZEC, who fell back from the zone, and c) a sergeant who came to the military enlistment office for recruits and does not come into consciousness for three days. Behind the rugged table, they thump puffed vodka with a label glued upside down. They sold the bottle by the administrator (the owner of a giant starting from painted henna hair). She put the basins under the bed. Life experience is a great thing.

  
  

  But let's return to Thailand. In our room basins did not find it, but was air conditioning! Without getting up from the bed, Sergey stretched his foot and clung to the regulator on the wall. The jet of cold air with warning escaped from the device and pushed Laptev to bed. Shipping bed under it creaked. Looking at this, Misha laughed hoarsely and, groachty, rose from the floor. He reached out, and the crackling of his joints reminded the pioneer bonfire.

  - So. To begin with, I need a bottle of beer from the refrigerator.

  Naive. It is difficult to look for beer in the refrigerator when you do not have a refrigerator. To realize it, Misha had enough twenty seconds. But he did not calm down.

  - Laptev, where is my purse?

  - Turn off the air conditioner, - barely audible sergey. After clicking the switch, silence came to the number in the number.

  
  

  - Thank you, Misha, it is not air conditioning, but some kind of jet engine.

  - Do not leave the topic. Barstie.

  - In the toilet, she ... I hid it ... for reliability.

  - You have a very strange idea of \u200b\u200breliability! Fuh, well, the heat ... - With these words, Misha went to the bathroom, closer to the water. Soon he jumped out from there and sat on the bed, clinging to the chest to the purse. With this species, the alarming milfs entering the institute of provincials are sitting in a rector's admission.

  - Misha, what happened, did you see Elvis?

  - Everything is fine?

  - Not sure.

  
  

  I quietly looked in the bathroom. Several green lizards with a large sausage glance from the walls and ceiling on me. One of the lizards drank water from the crane (which, judging by the thickness of the trickle, suffered from prostatitis). In the wall gaped several terrible black slots, as in the Zila radiator. Then it turned out that the holes are made for ventilation. The ceiling was also ventilation gaps, only even wider. Apparently, air molecules in Thailand are much more Russian.

  
  

  - Seryoga, there is full of lizards, and they look at me. - Without reducing views from reptiles, I retreated a couple of steps back.

  - Thank God, otherwise I thought that I had Galyuns started! Already mentally "torpedo" sewed.

  "This is a gecko, they serve the numbers," Sergey said starting straight.

  - Like this?

  - Gecko eating ants, and ants eat crumbs. The room is clean, everyone is happy.

  - And the swan from the towel they fold or do the dollar you need to dress? - Khuchidnalized Misha.

  - No, they are only cleanliness. Food chain in the service of tourism.

  - Artyom, doesn't you think that our friend is broken? Laptev, did you touch again until we slept?

  "This is Asia, hekkons live here everywhere," I supported Sergey.

  - I dwell here, and not some fucking gecko! And I am going to beat the face to everyone who works here!

  
  

  Misha resolutely fused the front door. And then she slammed her. Before us again was a milf of a rector.

  - Guys, there is an elephant!

  - Pink?

  - Look yourself, young naturalist.

  
  

  I looked out the door and froze, not finding a hotel corridor there. Instead, it was solid wallpaper. Not the wallpapers that in rolls, and the wallpaper from the monitor of my colleague Tatiana. The door of the room went on the lawn with emerald green grass. This juicy greenery crossed the track, sprinkled with reddish gravel. Right over the head shovels, some gigantic plants with large fleshy leaves were fed to their trunks. The air was filled with the smell of the jungle, the sun and the ocean, which began immediately behind the palm trees. His waves imposedly bored with a white sandy beach. There were sun loungers on the beach, and people were motionless, and some - even female. One of the girls erotic scratched his belly and fell lips to a cocktail. Besides me, an elephant watched the girl. He stood a hundred meters from our bungalow. True, it was not pink, but with ears, trunk and a bunch of manure under the tail. Left in the doorway leaned with Laptev.

  
  

  - What, did not expect? We are not at the hotel with corridors, where the obscured countrymen fell out of the rooms. This is a bungalow among the jungle, with the sea at the threshold! We are in paradise, gentlemen!

  Mentor's tone Sergey began to make little annoying even such a calm person like me. And I generally brought Misha at all. Because, by the state of health, Makarov missed all the good, concentrating on the bad:

  - It's not a paradise, but a wooden tent! I did not put a bunch of dough so that lizards and elephants were running for me! Where is the reception? - And he rushed through the lawn to the central structure of the hotel. We are behind him. Such were our first conscious steps in Thai land.