“Don't be afraid to fall in love with a child from an orphanage! The dream of a child from an orphanage.

"Not typical"

Alena is a very difficult child, requiring attention 24 hours a day, so I would not extend the experience that we got with her to other children. A child from an institution is always difficult in its own way, but the complexity can be of different levels. It is one thing when a child requires only attention, patience and love from foster parents, it is another thing when he needs long-term help from specialists.

Another thing is important: despite all the difficulties, or rather, thanks to them, it became clear to us that Alena needed to be taken home: there is a chance in the family that the situation with her will improve, there is not even hope in the orphanage.

And the conversation here is not about something being done wrong in the orphanage. We have developed very good relations with the staff and the director of the institution where Alena is located, and now we are in constant contact. It's just that a girl needs to learn to build long-term relationships, and this takes years. In the family, the child has parents, brothers and sisters, relatives - that is, a circle of people in whom the child is always sure that they will be there tomorrow, and in a month, and in a year, and in 10 years. The orphanage cannot give such a thing.

Now it is difficult with Alena, and I think it will be difficult for a long time. But we are trying to evaluate the first results of her stay in the family, and, according to the reviews of her educators and teachers, these results are clearly positive. She is bored, happy to talk about the family, remembers everyone by name, looks at the photos. Began to behave and learn much better. This is very encouraging.

"Typical experience"

I repeat, Alena is a special option. We had the experience of a more typical, shall we say, guest mode. Of course, children and families are very different. But I will share a few observations that I came across in practice.

2. In an orphanage, a child does not develop very important communication skills. It is a myth that children in orphanages are all sociable. In fact, they have big communication problems. And the experience of life outside the orphanage is very necessary. Some even basic things: cook food in the kitchen, go to the store, watch a movie with your family, discuss it, and so on. What is natural for us is an experience for a child.

The family gives the child not just new experiences, but much more. He looks at how relationships are built between family members, what role the husband plays there, what role the wife plays, how they communicate with their children. This is the experience that he can then carry out into adulthood as a kind of template. Because the orphanage child either does not have any template at all, or he has one, but such that it would not be better: when drunkenness, beatings, mutual indifference are the norm. Positive experiences increase their chances of a normal adult life.

3. Many are afraid of the guest regime (by the way, it is officially called "short-term patronage"). Basically, this moment is scary: since you take a child, he gets used to you, hopes for something more, and in the end it is scary to cause him even more harm, so it is better not to take him to the family at all. This is an understandable and well-founded concern. And it is necessary to approach its resolution judiciously.

It seems to me that the guest mode is possible in the case when we communicate with a child who very clearly assesses the situation. Maybe he himself is not ready to change the usual atmosphere of an orphanage for life in a family - after all, this will require certain efforts from him, which he may be afraid of. But at the same time, he retains a secret desire at least from time to time to feel like a home child, and he still needs family experience. In this case, vacations and hosting can reduce the fear of family life and gradually make you friends.

We had a case when a teenage girl who came to our guest house could not figure out herself - it seemed easier for her to stay in an orphanage, then she was attracted to a blood family, then she again remembered us as an alternate airfield ... As a result of these two years of throwing, we never formalized custody of her, and upon reaching the age of 18 she graduated from the orphanage. And only at this moment we developed a close and constructive relationship, when she asks for help, lives with us for a long time and fully perceives us as her family. But she “grew up” to this precisely due to the fact that we were near much earlier.

Another option when you can safely take your child to the "guest" is when you already have friendly relations. For example, a person as a volunteer goes to an orphanage to see a child, they have been communicating for a long time, the child does not expect that this person will take him to his family for good, and for him visiting is a useful and pleasant variety. Why not? Being in a family increases the child's rating inside the orphanage, he already feels more confident, because he has a friend outside the institution.

In addition, communication and building relationships are essential for orphanages. Of course, they try to socialize them, take them out on trips and excursions, they go to summer camps and sanatoriums. But the problem is that thanks to various trips-trips with the institution, children get used to having fun, and they do not know how to build long-term partnerships based on trust.

Well, and most importantly: if a person decides on a guest mode with such an eye to then take this child into the family, then this is a really good beginning of the relationship between the child and the foster parent.

“Short-term patronage” is the time to understand at least a little what can be expected from each other in the future.

4. If you do decide, then try to avoid one serious mistake. Often people take a child with a motive to give him a holiday, to bring as much joy as possible. They try not to deny the child anything, they overwhelm him with gifts, they come up with a schedule of entertainment for him. This is very wrong, because in the end you get the wrong impressions of family and family life.

In fact, it turns out the same festival that children see in an orphanage from sponsors. That is, the child is entertained and pitied, but they do not build relationships on an equal footing, where the child may not always be right, where he needs to give in to someone, where he has some responsibilities.

It seems to me that the guest mode is, first of all, just the need to immerse the child in the normal, everyday atmosphere of the family.

I know of cases when the guest mode was magical, the child behaved perfectly in a whirlwind of entertainment and the parents did not get tired of rejoicing at the angel they got. Then the child was taken away for good, instead of a holiday, weekdays began and with them - a nightmare for everyone.

The child seemed to be saying: “Wait, I was promised that I get everything I want! And now I hear: "Learn your homework, wash the dishes", you are tired from work and you have no time to deal with me. You are vile deceivers, I don't need such a family, I was expecting something completely different. "

It is very useful when the guest mode is planned for the holidays, including winter, holidays, so that the child will come into contact with real life, with everyday life. Let them be flavored with a holiday, joint affairs, joys, but with clear responsibilities: now you make the bed, now you and I are going to wash the dishes, and now you run to the store, and I will start cooking dinner, and so on. That is, the child should feel like a member of the family. And scold and praise him on a par with other children, as if he were your child. Maybe explain more, choose words more carefully, teach what he can't, but otherwise - no indulgences.

5. Do not get too carried away by the guests: it is important for the child to build relationships with at least a small circle. Children are different, for some it is normal and when every day there are new guests, but for someone even one or two guests a week is already a huge load, because he tries to please. It’s already hard for him, it’s not necessary to further complicate his life.

6. I believe that it is necessary to plan for periods of respite. You've had some active day, you can make the next day "lazy": just stay at home, lie in bed longer, read, watch a movie together, clean up, cook something together.

7. More often than not, there are no special problems during the stay - the wrong period. But selfishness and pulling attention to oneself can manifest itself immediately. And it's better to stop it right away. The second common problem is when a child starts begging for everything. This is a trifle, but it really spoils the nerves. Therefore, it is better to immediately plan things in such a way in order to minimize trips with the child to cafes, shopping centers and entertainment venues, where everything is blinking, buzzing, screeching. After all, it works for the very weaknesses that are already fixed in the orphanage. Just exclude everything that develops consumerism in the child.

8. You must be prepared for the fact that when you take a child from an orphanage, your logic in general, the logic with which you communicated with your children, with which you are used to building relationships, will not work. You will be faced with situations that either completely or partially defy your understanding.

The child will show completely different reactions that you can calculate. You have to be ready for this and not be surprised.

For example, a child may behave worst of all with those people who are most sympathetic to him. Instead of trying to please, he will consistently piss them off. The reason is that the child needs any attention, no matter how much. But if you need to earn positive attention, then for negative attention it is enough just to press the necessary buttons - it is easier.

The child can quite calmly say to you: "I love you", call mom, but these words will mean nothing to him. Children from institutions are easily thrown by such categories. They are ready to call a woman a stranger to them, as soon as they cross the threshold of the house. For them, "mom" is a word that a woman reacts to. So do not brush away the tears of affection, take it as calmly as possible.

9. It is important to observe, if possible, pronounce all your motives, movements, actions. As with a small child, when you teach him to understand emotions. That is, to explain the actions of family members: “Now he laughed, was indignant, upset, because ...” It is imperative to deal with offensive situations, because the offense will inevitably be, children from orphanages are very touchy, nervous. And even if the child is trying very hard to please, this does not guarantee that he will not have a couple of nervous breakdowns during the time that he is visiting you. It is important that he learns to understand both his own and others' needs and emotions.

It is imperative to explain jokes and funny things, because there can be some difficulties with a sense of humor. If you watch cartoons or films with your child that seem funny to you, you may see completely glassy eyes, and again you need to explain what you are laughing at. By the way, sometimes the child should also be asked what exactly seemed funny to him - this will help you to better understand him, and perhaps even notice some problems.

10. We have often come across the fact that children often say how they want something in the family that they really cannot stand. For example, a child speaks and sincerely believes that he wants the family to have younger children. But in fact, he gets tired of small children in an hour. That is, the child formulates one thing for himself, but in fact it turns out that he needs something completely different.

11. You need to be prepared for the fact that somewhere you will need to be strict, because you can face a situation where the child simply does not understand and does not listen to your explanations. It is simply unrealistic to completely transfer from the world he is used to into the normal world in this short period. And you don't even need to set yourself such a task.

12. Initially, when you take a child, you need to be prepared for the fact that you will not be able to cope, that is, to have a plan B. And it should be in the first place, because everything will go well, easy and pleasant, and prepare -that's not necessary. Be sure to have at hand the contacts of a person whom you can call at any time about the child, consult, ask how to "sort out" this or that situation. Do not be afraid to admit that you made a mistake, a pedagogical blunder. You need to call and calmly, correctly describe the situation - what exactly did you do wrong, how the child reacted to it and listen to advice.

13. Often, many, taking a child from an orphanage, believe that all the educators who work with him are enemies, they do not like this child, and only you came, a kind of savior. We must immediately abandon this view: it is highly likely that among the educators there will be those who understand the mechanism of the problem of a particular child. It is imperative to contact them.

14. The most unpleasant situation, if you wanted to do a good deed, but it turned out that your life and the life of your loved ones turned into a nightmare, and you absolutely cannot cope. Then you need to honestly stop everything. I'm not talking about the first problem to immediately run and take the child to the orphanage. But when, after many efforts, you already realized that you cannot solve problems, that everything is getting worse and worse ...

Alena and I, for example, had a crisis moment, then the situation leveled off and had a more or less calm week. Then the crisis began again, apparently caused by the fact that we were going to an orphanage. But some slight positive dynamics was present.

If there is no dynamics, no strength, do not aggravate the situation, take them to the orphanage.

Be honest with educators about problems. After all, they do not know how a child can behave in a family. And after the story, they will have a chance to warn other parents who decide to take this child on a guest mode so that they do not step on the same rake. Therefore, even if you did not succeed, but you honestly told what problems you faced, you can do the child a good service. Moreover, educators and educators working with a child may have a “blurry look” at him and your observations will be very important and useful. Just by telling, do not try to whitewash yourself and blame everything on the child.

Alena and I were saved by the fact that I perfectly understood: her most vile antics are the result of her previous life, she behaves adequately to her life experience. Therefore, the problem is not with her, but with me - I do not know how to react to this, how to cope with it, how to behave in this situation.

15. When you are going to take a child to the guest, try to carefully select a candidate, ask the educators about him in more detail. You must immediately assess your strengths adequately and say: "These are my capabilities." They will tell you right away whether or not you should take this child.

There will still be surprises: pleasant or, conversely, unpleasant, but this is the case when it is better to lay as many straws as possible. Guest mode is easier than guardianship, but it is still a huge work that requires preliminary preparation.

16. When the holidays are over and you have safely returned the child, try to make him have tangible memories of his stay with the family - photographs, for example.

17. In general, the guest mode is not a guardianship, it is much easier. Anything can be sustained if it is only for two weeks. Another question is that it may turn out that these two weeks will change your life and ultimately increase your family.

The commonplace phrase that children are the flowers of life in the modern world does not lose its relevance, because the future of the world depends on the kids, regardless of their marital status and origin. What is the dream of a child from an orphanage, and does a dream have a good interpretation?

What if a child from an orphanage is dreaming?

A child from an orphanage is a generally positive sign, but here everything depends on the individual characteristics of the vision. So, for example, if the dreamer adopts a baby, then global changes in his personal life await him. If he takes a girl for upbringing, then some kind of shock will occur in life that can surprise a person. If the child turns out to be male, then in real life there will be a place for troubles and worries, but they will turn out to be pleasant.

If a child cries loudly while within the walls of a shelter, then in real life the dreamer feels unhappy because of the place he occupies in the world. Perhaps work has not been enjoyable for a long time, or maybe the problem lies in the misfortunes associated with personal life. One way or another, the dreamer needs to decide on some action, otherwise the situation will not change.

Seeing several adopted children in a dream is a positive sign. Probably, a person will face a sharp rise on all fronts, which, despite its surprise, will be absolutely deserved.

Seeing yourself as a child and a pupil of an orphanage - to loneliness in real life. Perhaps the dreamer recently experienced a difficult breakup, or he is just about to become disillusioned with relationships with family and friends. In any case, the looming future is painted in sad colors.

If a person walks past a child from an orphanage, then in real life his indifference to those who need help will come out sideways to the dreamer. It is likely that his personal life will go downhill, not promising anything good.

A negative vision has a good interpretation, in which the children of the dreamer himself become the inhabitants of the orphanage. Such a vision means that babies have a happy future, and now their well-being is absolutely not threatened. If a vision of abandoned children catches up with a woman on the eve of the wedding, then in real life her maternal instinct will soon wake up in her. It is likely that the dream of a strong and large family will also come true soon.

If in a vision a holiday is arranged for the children from the orphanage, then in real life the dreamer himself will have to rejoice. His affairs will sharply go uphill, and the financial situation will improve in front of the envy of all ill-wishers and numerous enemies.

What portends?

A very good interpretation has a vision in which a childless couple adopts a baby. Usually a dream means that their prayers will soon be answered, and children's laughter will finally be heard in the house.

Adopting a newborn baby is a positive sign that heralds a new beginning. Perhaps the business will reach a new level, or maybe the person will start a happy relationship. In any case, the changes will be for the better.

Seeing in a dream a teenager whom a family takes from an orphanage - to crises in relations with their own children. Mutual understanding will disappear from the family, and therefore parents will have to spend a lot of effort to establish contact in communication with the younger generation.

If a child from an orphanage turns out to be painful, then in real life the investments of the person will not pay off. He will be extremely disappointed with any undertakings. If the child dies altogether, then the dreamer will have to go through a lot of trials in order to return to the previous level of life.

Adopting a child is a serious decision, and not everyone is capable of adequately taking care of a child from an orphanage. However, the vision of such a child should not be taken literally, because sometimes it means positive changes or minor troubles in the real life of the person himself.

Even in winter I heard out of my ear that a boy was brought to the orphanage, who throws himself at everyone, growls, bites, spits and swears. And his surname is appropriate - Volchkov. I could not even imagine then that this would be my adopted child.

Before you hear this story, I will explain that I am publishing it not for the sake of vanity and not in order to cause tears of affection in the reader, but with only one purpose - to encourage and support those people who want to give the child a family, but for one reason or another. for other reasons, they doubt that they can do it. So, on November 19 (the day of the winter Nikolai Pleasant) 2007, I became a mother. This event took place not in a maternity hospital, but at a meeting of the district court of the city of N. Novgorod. By a court decision, seven-month-old Sasha seemed to be born again, and the story of my life ceased to be only mine, it became our story ...

Alyosha's cherished desire from the orphanage was fulfilled by Tatyana Doronina from Nizhny Novgorod.
Whoever Tanya dreamed of becoming in childhood: a singer, a doctor, a scientist. In high school, the thought came more and more often: I would go to work in an orphanage.

Why exactly there, I could not explain to myself, - says Tatiana. - But I understood that sooner or later fate will lead me to abandoned children.

Tatiana Doronina saw the gray-eyed Alyoshka from Nizhny Novgorod in an orphanage. Both were newcomers: a four-year-old boy was transferred here from an orphanage, Tatiana had just got a job as a teacher in an orphanage. A young woman went out to meet the newcomer in the locker room ...

From the first person: the diary of a volunteer of the "Children's Project"

Here we are sitting in an empty apartment. Olya and I are at home, grandfather is at home, a dog, and someone who is most important is missing ... we arrived at the boarding school ... stood at the entrance, pressed against the wall. “I don’t want to go there!” I say, but what about friends? Then they poured everything head over heels from the dining room from the afternoon snack, hugged, hugged, carried to the floor. Maxim, well, how are you visiting, what was there, where did you go? - And there is so ... so .... there is such a dog! She can walk on her hind legs and play so well with her!

Notes of a psychologist from an orphanage.

The first call to the orphanage. For us, employees, this is a routine, everyday and not the most important work. This is ours - social workers are running around, telephones are ringing ... And they have, on the other end of the telephone line - "X" day, "Che" hour. They have been going for this for years. They thought about it every day. We watched programs, read articles in magazines. They took the telephone receiver in their hand and did not dare to dial the number.

A phone call rings at the Parents Service.

Ale, is this an orphanage? What kind of children do you have?
- Do you want to take the child?
- Yes, we want a little one. Do you have small ones?
- There are small ones. There are also big ones.
- No, we won't take a big one. We need a little one. Well, maximum, a year and a half.
- So you need not contact us, but the orphanage. Children up to three years old live in children's homes, and we have an orphanage. Children come to us after three years.
- Oh, thanks, prompted. And we didn't know. You can't figure it out right away ... - There is a pause at the other end of the telephone receiver.
It seems that everything they wanted was found out. Yes, it is very tempting to continue the conversation - maybe they will tell you something else useful.

They met in our orphanage. Older sister, Nadia, 7 years old. Younger sister, Anya, 5 years old. Nadya ended up in the orphanage straight from her family - from a dysfunctional, drinking family. Anya has lived all her life in state institutions, because her mother left her in the hospital. Why did you leave? It's that simple. There was no particular reason. But my mother reasoned so - one child in the family is enough. Before Anya, there was another daughter, Katya. That mother also left somewhere ...

He was originally a refusenik. And not just a refusenik, but with "aggravating circumstances." Born to an HIV-infected mother. In a special maternity ward, using a special technology, childbirth is carried out so that the child does not become infected. Healthy babies are born from sick mothers. They go to live in the Children's Home. They do not want to adopt them - they are afraid. What are they afraid of? Bukovok, I guess. HIV is scary letters.

Arina came to the orphanage because she lost her daughter. "I didn't care which child to take," said Arina, "I knew that for me this was the only salvation, and I didn't think about anything else." Arina divorced her husband a long time ago, so she went to the training alone. In the classroom, candidates for foster care were prepared for the first difficulties of adaptation by a foster child. “At first I approached the presenter,” Arina recalled, “and said that I could not cope with the adopted child.” The presenter, a wise woman, did not argue: "You just walk around, sit here, listen." “It's good that I still stayed,” Arina sighs with satisfaction. Since then, a lot of water has flowed under the bridge. Her son Vaska grew up - now a nineteen-year-old handsome man.

Ivanova's children were admitted to our orphanage the day before. Straight from the family, from grandparents. There are almost half of such children in our orphanage - those who are directly from the family ... Yesterday the child slept in his not too clean, but dear bed. I looked at the world from my window. And today - a state house, an isolation ward ...

Notes of the orphanage teacher.

My day begins at 6 am. At 7, you already need to be in an orphanage, on the rise of children. On those days when you go out on the second shift, you can allow yourself to sleep a little longer. But today my replacement needs to go to kindergarten with her daughter, so I have to work all day. But tomorrow - an additional day off!
Gathering up hastily, I go to work. The orphanage meets with complete darkness, the light is on only in the dining room and foyer. I climb the stairs to my fourth floor and, taking a deep breath, knock on the door. You have to knock for a long time, the night teacher who is on duty today is a great lover of sleep. Finally, the door opens and I enter our common corridor with the neighboring group. I am greeted by an indescribable "morning" mixture of smells: sweat, cigarettes and urine. Unsurprisingly, the neighboring group is 12 boys from younger to older teens. They must have smoked in the toilet all night again. And enuresis is a permanent incurable disease of the orphanage. The other day, on the operative, the teacher of that very neighboring group shouted:
- I am a teacher! I must bring up in children a love of beauty, take them to exhibitions and concerts! And I wash the pissing sheets instead!
The director, wearily closing her eyes, fought back weakly:
- Yes, you understand, Olga Vitalievna, well, it is not possible to cure somatics in an orphanage. It is necessary to transfer children to families, only there ...
- Who needs someone like Nikita Zakharov there ?! You know that he is again ...

Description of the page: "What is the dream of a child from an orphanage" from professionals for people.

Few people will be left indifferent by a dream, the "main character" of which was an orphanage. Disadvantaged children, deprived of parental warmth, always evoke sympathy, therefore, having seen such pictures in a dream, a person is ready for the worst when he wakes up. But do not panic, dream books assure. It is better to remember all the details of what you dreamed, and you will be able to understand why this is a dream.

Miller's dream book

Gustav Miller was sure that if you find yourself in an orphanage in a dream, it means that your friends will show their best in difficult times. But if you see yourself as one of the orphanages, then be prepared for the fact that your "offspring" will bring you a lot of grief.

It is good if you see yourself in a boarding school, but at the same time you have no heirs in reality. In this case, the vision would mean having fun with childhood friends.

Brief interpretations

Be sure to remember what exactly you dreamed about, at least without details, and dream books will not leave you in the dark, be sure. Here, for example, what the orphanage dreams of:

• return in a dream to your old shelter - you do not have enough attention from others;
• leaving the walls of the orphanage - to part with illusions and dreams;
• to see in a dream that you have adopted a baby - to changes in your personal life;
• you see an old abandoned boarding school - to trouble.

"Mistress of the orphanage", or changes await you ...

Why is there a dream in which you act as a teacher in an orphanage, caring for children? This question is of most interest to women who do not have children of their own. The interpretation of sleep, according to Pastor Loff's dream book, will delight you: soon you may have your own baby.

Had a dream that you are a strict "orphanage" headmistress, which all children are afraid of? Do not try to deceive and depict something that is not in reality, this can be very harmful, warns the Eastern dream book.

Being a pupil: from success to sadness

It's sad when you are abandoned and betrayed. This is especially acutely felt by the children whom their parents left in the orphanage. Had a dream that you are one of these kids? Do not be upset, sometimes dreams are terrifying only with a plot. But the interpretation of these dreams makes you rejoice.

If in a dream you jumped merrily with other inmates of the orphanage, then you can rejoice - success awaits you, the Slavic dream book pleases. The situation is somewhat worse with dreams in which you cried, huddled in a corner - quarrels and minor problems await you.

Adoption as a symbol of change

Do you want to know why you are dreaming of a vision in which you decided to take a child from an orphanage? Remember what he was and what gender. So, for example, adopting a male baby is a sign of imminent anxiety, excitement and trouble. And if the adopted baby is a girl, then you will come across something that will greatly surprise you, the Gypsy interpreter broadcasts.

In a dream, you decided to take a child from an orphanage for upbringing, but you just can't get custody of the baby? Why dream of this, Tsvetkov's dream book will tell you: something will stand in the way of your happiness.

Refine the dream for interpretation

Miller's dream book

orphanage in a dream

Taking an orphan from an orphanage, or helping an orphanage in a dream - you will undertake very difficult obligations and will diligently fulfill them, which will alienate your relatives and friends, and cause bewilderment among them.

Dream interpretation of Wangi

orphanage according to the dream book

The orphanage is a sign of loneliness and helplessness.

Dream interpretation of Tsvetkov

orphanage according to the dream book

To see yourself in a dream living in an orphanage means your stinginess knows no bounds. Visit someone in the orphanage - those in need will ask you for support, do not refuse.

Muslim dream book (Islamic)

orphanage in a dream

To visit an orphanage in a dream - fate will favor you, now is the time to sign contracts and marry.

Dream interpretation Hasse

orphanage in a dream

The orphanage in your dream evokes compassion - do charity work.

English dream book

orphanage in a dream what is it for

A dream where you are a pupil of an orphanage portends misfortune, but visiting someone in such a place is to help unhappy people and for this you will be more than rewarded.

Family dream book

orphanage according to the dream book

Find yourself in an orphanage - make not bad money, but not entirely honest ways.

1. "This has nothing to do with me."
Earlier, in Soviet times, the problem of orphanhood was solved simply: "out of sight - out of the heart (head, conscience) out". For children left without parents, closed institutions were built behind a high fence or generally outside the city limits. Almost no one saw these children. Journalists spoke little about them, and the grown up orphanages tried not to remember their childhood. As a result, the problem of orphans turned out to be “virtual”: everyone heard that they were somewhere, but no one really saw them. The main thing is that the state takes care of them, and that's fine.
2. "The main thing is to provide an orphan well"
There are times when this is really important, because otherwise the child will not survive. But material benefits alone are clearly not enough for children. Even in a well-to-do orphanage, the child does not receive the sense of security that the family provides. Moreover, life on the "government grub" renders the child a "disservice". He grows up in the belief that linen itself becomes clean, potatoes are always chopped and fried, and tea is already with sugar. Children not only do not participate in the daily work of ensuring their everyday life, which is an integral part of the life of any family, but do not even have the opportunity to observe this process. The system of the children's institution itself is built in such a way that it raises the consumer (otherwise it is simply impossible to organize the maintenance of a hundred or more children under one roof). As a result, going out on an independent life becomes a shock for the child. In fact, children need not so much things as relationships - strong and close. Only this gives them a sense of stability in the world and the strength to live.
ADVICE: Today's orphans are either victims of domestic violence or children who did not know their parents. The overwhelming majority of them have no idea of ​​a positive family model. Therefore, inmates of orphanages are not able to create families, raise their own children, who often also end up in an orphanage and repeat the fate of their parents.
It should be remembered that the resource of collective education in orphanages is limited. There are situations when it is enough. However, in general, children who have not had a positive family experience can only be helped by a family.
It is very important that the media develop the idea of ​​a different kind of charity, which involves helping families who have taken up children (especially sick ones), supporting orphanage graduates in getting an education and profession, and developing family forms of organization.
3. « Education in a team is what children need "
This myth arose as a result of a very strange rethinking of the experience of A.S. Makarenko by Soviet pedagogy. Social orphans are children who have suffered from their own parents, or have never seen them at all. Often these are small children who, prior to the experience of relationships with a group of peers, need experience of relationships with a significant adult, but their institution cannot provide. After leaving the orphanage, they are not able to create full-fledged families and raise their children - they simply do not know how to do it.
Today's adolescents, especially those with difficult behaviors, would find it very useful to gain experience of independence: earning their expenses, making decisions, planning their activities and taking responsibility for them.
Collective education cannot help orphans in the main thing: to give them the experience of a normal family life. Many children deprived of independence under one roof is not a collective upbringing, but a state house.
4. "Orphans are objects"
The child is handed over, chosen, taken, placed ... Thus, the traumatic experience of losing a family is superimposed on the feeling of a sliver floating on the waves. Nothing depends on the chip, and in general no one is interested in its attitude to what is happening. Children are not objects, they are living people with their own character, values, interests. Yes, they are not yet self-sufficient, they need adults. And adults have a choice: to act and make decisions in the interests of the child, for which it is necessary to understand the situation and realize these interests, or to do as it is convenient (not troublesome, profitable, understandable, familiar) for the adults themselves. And children do not need “indicators of work success”, but simply a normal childhood, their own home and family.
5. “There are very few people willing to take children from the orphanage”
There are a lot of people who want to take a child (and have already started doing something in this direction). And there are many times more of those who only think about this step.
Why don't they take it? Because there is still no developed system of active and purposeful family placement of children. Guardianship authorities or employees of the data bank work only in a response mode: they respond to requests from families. Nobody specifically looks for adoptive parents, does not cook, does not help them. Meanwhile, in the presence of professional family placement, almost all children from institutions can be successfully placed in families. You just need to do it !!!
6. "All orphanages are sick and abnormal"
Unfortunately, we hear this even from the employees of the guardianship authorities. In fact, it is extremely rare that the medical record of an orphanage child says “practically healthy”. Most children have social and pedagogical neglect, speech disorders, many have mental retardation. Almost all children have neurotic reactions, high anxiety, aggressiveness, lack of contact, enuresis, neurodermatitis, gastritis and other psychosomatic diseases are common. The reason for this state of children is not at all bad genes, but the experience of emotional deprivation. The experience of loneliness and uselessness to anyone in an orphanage, the experience of neglect and abuse by their own parents, the experience of losing a family, a state of complete uncertainty in life.
It turns out that this is not an abnormal child - it is his life that has developed abnormally. And all health and behavioral disorders are a completely normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Hence the conclusion: life will get better, and everything else will work out for him. When he sees that he is loved, he believes that they are “rooting for him,” he will definitely try to make up for lost time. And the experience of family organization confirms this: after a year or two of life in a loving, caring family, the child literally blooms. Changes; He grows and develops rapidly, even chronic diseases can pass.
ADVICE: Health disorders and inappropriate behavior of children from an orphanage are a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, and genetics have nothing to do with it. As soon as the child believes that he is loved, worried about him, he will try to catch up. The experience of a family arrangement confirms: after a year or two of life in a loving family, the child literally flourishes, grows and develops rapidly, and chronic diseases pass.
7. "The main danger is genes"
This stereotype is reflected in the proverb "An apple falls not far from an apple tree." Today everyone knows about the existence of genes that set a certain program that predetermines a lot in a person. Then a natural question arises: what is the point of trying, to put strength and soul into a child? After all, genes cannot be changed, which means that it is written for him to become an alcoholic (prostitute), like his blood parents ... difficulties (“it’s not we who are not coping, it’s his genes”).
There really are genetically determined human qualities, and there is no need to harbor illusions that a child can be completely “tailored”. These attempts will lead to severe disappointment and resentment against the child who “disappointed expectations”, turned out to be “the wrong one”.
But genes do not affect such qualities of a person as honesty, kindness, his ability to love, to be happy. It all depends on the loving family and on the choice of the person himself. Genes determine only the rate of addiction, and the choice is made by the person himself, and in many respects it depends on whether he has support, whether he has a “strong rear” behind his back - a loving family.
If the foster family lives in fear of "genes", looking out for the beginnings of an "immoral lifestyle" in any manifestation of the child, then a situation of self-fulfilling prophecy will arise. A child in whom they did not believe, from whom the worst was expected, will be forced (if he is obedient) to submit to expectations, or (if he is stubborn) to exaggerate the style of behavior that frightens the adoptive parents. The result will be the same.
ADVICE: In overcoming this bias, it is important to avoid extremes. Of course, temperament or math ability is largely determined by genes. However, such qualities as honesty, kindness, and the ability to love are not genetically assigned. It all depends on the loving family and on the choice of the person himself. Indeed, it is possible to inherit a type of metabolism that facilitates the occurrence of alcohol dependence. But such a predisposition is, most likely, among many Russians. However, not everyone becomes alcoholics, although alcohol is sold on every corner. Because they have a job, loved ones, children. The choice is made by a person himself, and in many respects this choice is determined by whether he has support and a loving family in his life.
8. "Only those who do not have their own children take a child from an orphanage."
That is, an adopted child is the last opportunity for people who did not succeed in becoming parents in the “right” way. Actually this is not true. In the world, the majority of adoptive parents are people who already have children - there are about 50% of them.
This myth makes the adoptive family perceived as "flawed", and this pushes parents to conceal the "wrong" origin of their child, to observe the secret of adoption. As a result, relations within the family are disrupted, and additional trauma is inflicted on the spouse, with whom the childlessness of the family is associated. As soon as the child gives trouble, this spouse feels especially guilty (“my own child would not have done that”), which, of course, does not add to his confidence in his abilities. Thus, a self-confirming prediction is obtained: proceeding from the premise that the adopted child is a “surrogate” with whom “everything is wrong,” the adoptive parents (willingly or unwillingly) behave in such a way that the child's problems only worsen.
This myth is also harmful because it prevents families with children from thinking about adopting a child, because this is "only for the childless." Meanwhile, it is they who could become excellent adoptive parents, since they have experience in raising children.
In Europe, it is widely believed that taking orphans into a family is normal, there is nothing special (neither shameful nor heroic), this is a common human behavior. And where they think so, there are no orphanages at all.
ADVICE: It is very important that the media more often talk about families with blood children who take orphans to foster care. Thus, the stereotype of “inferiority” of substitute families will be destroyed, which, in turn, will have a positive effect on childless couples. In addition, it can push families who do not think about it due to this stereotype to the desire to take a child. As a result, children will acquire confident parents.
9. "Nobody should know!"
This is the notorious secret of adoption. This stereotype is even enshrined in law. Behind this norm of the law is the belief that if citizens are not strictly prohibited, they will persecute the orphan and his applied parents, as well as the belief that the child does not need to know about his origin. Neither the first nor the second is supported by world experience. To protect the interests of the child, it is quite sufficient to comply with professional ethical standards, among which is non-disclosure of information about the fate of the child.
Do you need it - it's a time bomb within the family itself. And the child is much more susceptible to the insincerity of the closest people than to the alleged aggression from outsiders. When finding out the truth - and this happens almost always - the main trauma for the child is not that he is not his own, but that he was lied to for so many years. Hiding the truth about his past from a child is nothing more than a violation of his rights.
10. "The child should not have blood relatives, the best option is a round orphan."
It is almost impossible for a child who has no one in the world to overcome an all-consuming feeling of anxiety, and this greatly interferes with his development. The experience of family life, the presence of relatives, memories of the past in the parental home are a resource for the child, his support and the key to successful development. The "easiest" adopted children are those who communicate with blood relatives, have attachments, know that they have someone close to them.
If we are talking about a child who has lost contact with blood parents at a very young age, he should try to restore this connection in adolescence. If adoptive parents do not interfere with his attempts to find parents or meet with relatives (provided that the child's life and health is safe), support him in this endeavor, this will have a very good effect on their relationship with the child. He becomes calmer, more open, and also more realistic and responsible approaches to planning his own future (including due to the loss of illusions about blood parents: "But in fact, my mother is a movie star, I just got lost").
11. "Better to take a very small child"
The desire to take a small child can be quite justified: for example, a couple who have never had children wants to enjoy all the stages of parenting, to baby-sit. In addition, I really feel sorry for the little ones, and I want to take them away from the government house as soon as possible.
But in general, this stereotype is one of the most harmful for a family arrangement. Children over 5-6 years old are doomed by this prejudice to live in a state institution. By the age of seven, a child who is transferred from a preschool orphanage to a boarding school is already fully aware that he has no chance, and they will never come for him. Is it less pity for him than for the baby?
Meanwhile, thousands of families and children, long past infancy, can find each other and be happy. In addition, there are categories of potential adoptive parents (for example, people of pre-retirement age or families with small children) who should not take a baby into their family, but they would do a great job of raising a younger student or adolescent.
Experience shows that a child's age (as well as gender) is far from the most important characteristic that determines the success of his placement in a family. A three-year-old child with the experience of severe emotional-anal deprivation, living in a government institution from birth, can be much more problematic than a ten-year-old who grew up with parents who gradually drank themselves into alcohol, but at the same time loved and cared for him.
ADVICE: The media should more often tell about children taken to the family at school age, as well as provide comments from specialists explaining the peculiarities of raising children of different ages.
12. "One must fall in love with an orphan as a dear one"
Falling in love with a foster child as strongly and unconditionally as your own is a wonderful goal. Isn't that why they take him to the family? This myth becomes a problem when it hides a conscious or not very desire of the adoptive parents to “appropriate” the child, to give him a different surname, first name, to erase the past from his memory, to cut off all ties with a blood family. A child without experience, without other attachments, without memories seems very convenient for being recognized as "completely dear". Meanwhile, the desire to "appropriate" the child is one of the main reasons for the failures and even tragedies of foster families. Having convinced themselves that the child is "just like his own", parents become less tolerant of what the child is not like them, to the fact that he does not live up to their expectations. At the same time, they still remember that he is not native, but "like" a native, and behave insecurely, anxiously. When he becomes a teenager, his parents are helpless in the face of his identity crisis, afraid of his separation from the family. They deny the child's right to know their roots, to be interested in their origins, perceiving these attempts as betrayal, ingratitude, as a result, relations with a teenager deteriorate completely. In families where the child is openly recognized as a foster child (at the same time beloved, close, dear), the atmosphere is much calmer, and the relationship develops better.
13. "The child should be grateful"
Foster parents who hope for this are unpleasantly surprised, not receiving any gratitude from the child. But after all, gratitude is a very complex feeling that is formed by the very end of childhood (and for many, even in adulthood, it is not formed). A small child takes everything that happens to him for granted, he cannot think in the subjunctive mood ("what would happen if ..."). By the way, it is the resentment at his ingratitude that often makes the parents violate the secret of adoption: indignant at the behavior of the grown child, they, in their impetuosity, “present the bill” ... Even if this does not happen, a text close to the famous statement of the cat Matroskin: “Found in the trash heap, washed , they cleaned up the cleanings, and he builds figwams for us ”- the parent says to himself many times. Feeling this, children do not feel any gratitude, rather the opposite. Truly grateful to adoptive parents (already in adulthood, of course) there are those children who were allowed to be themselves and from whom they did not expect gratitude, on the contrary, the parents believed that the children brought them a lot of joy and new experience.
14. "The only way to take a child is to adopt"
And adopting is difficult and scary. Because to adopt means to take full responsibility for the life, upbringing, study, health and development of the child. Not every family can do this. For a long time, other forms of family organization practically did not develop, but in the last decade the situation has changed. Unrelated care has become more widely used, foster education is actively developing. In general, there is not and cannot be a form of family organization that would be better or worse than the rest. All of them provide different opportunities for the child and the foster family, they need to know and choose the form of the device, based on the interests of the child and the capabilities of the foster parents, taking into account all circumstances.
15. "The main thing is to love a child, and then everything will work out."
Falling in love with a child is, of course, very important. But love alone is not enough. It is not enough for her own children. It is no coincidence that many modern parents read books on education, consult with experts. In the case of a foster child, that is, one who does not have an innate connection with his parents, help, knowledge, and preparation are all the more needed. It will take a long time until the adoptive parents begin to understand the child "at a glance." Or maybe they will not, because in this child's life there was something that ordinary people cannot even imagine: violence, cruelty, complete loneliness. Neither pedagogical education nor the experience of raising their children will help parents understand why the adopted child behaves this way. There are things that only a specialist can figure out.
Therefore, it makes no sense to “distribute” children from orphanages to families without providing help and support to foster parents. After all, if the family does not cope and returns the child, he will be in even greater despair than before, and all those around him will only become firmly convinced that "this venture never ends in anything good." The help and support of professionals is not just a "service" for the family, it is the key to a successful childhood, and hence the entire future adopted child.

Foster parent's handbook
Methodological materials for the preparation of foster parents