How beautiful it is to refuse a request. How to Reject a Client: Four Principles of Polite But Strong Rejection
Often people say "yes" when they would gladly refuse. We can say no and regret it for a few minutes, or we can say yes and regret it for days, weeks, months, or even years.
The only way out of this trap is to learn to say no. Use phrases and techniques to learn to refuse gracefully.
"Let me check your schedule"
If you often agree to other people's requests, and then sacrifice your own interests in favor of others' affairs, learn to use the phrase "Let me check my schedule first." This will give you time to reflect on the proposal and take back control of your own decisions, rather than agreeing to any request.
Soft "no" (or "no, but")
In order not to offend a person, you can postpone his proposal indefinitely. For example, if you are invited for coffee, you might answer “I'm working on a project right now. But I'll be glad to meet you as soon as I finish it. Let me know if you are free at the end of the summer. "
Email is a good way to learn to say "no, but" because it gives you the ability to think up and make a refusal as graceful as possible.
Awkward pause
Instead of being controlled by the threat of awkward silence, become its owner. Use it as a tool. This only works face-to-face, but when asked for something, pause. Count to three before making your decision. Or if you feel courageous, wait for the other person to fill the void that has arisen.
Use auto-replies in your email
Getting an auto answer when someone is traveling or absent from the office is natural and expected. In fact, this is the most socially acceptable "no" possible. After all, people do not say that they do not want to answer your letter. They just make it clear that they cannot respond within a certain period. So why limit yourself to the weekend? You can set an auto-answer even on those days when you are not ready to occupy yourself with other people's affairs.
"Yes. What should I exclude from the priority tasks? "
To refuse a superior boss seems almost inconceivable, even ridiculous, to many. However, if you say yes, then your ability to invest as much as possible in your work is jeopardized, and it also becomes your responsibility to communicate this to management. In such cases, answering “no” is not just sensible, it is vital. One effective way is to remind your boss what you will have to ignore if you agree, and leave him to find a compromise.
For example, if a manager comes in and asks you to do something, try the following phrase: “Yes, I’m happy to do this first. Which of the other projects should I exclude from the priority list in order to direct all attention to the new task? " Or say, "I would like to do the best job possible, but given my other commitments, I will not be able to do a job that I can be proud of if I agree."
Refuse with humor
When a friend invites you to a friendly meeting, and you want to devote your time to other things, then you can respond in a joking manner.
"Please use X. And I'm ready to do Y"
For example: “You can take my car at any time. I'll make sure the keys are always in place. " By this you are also saying, "I cannot take you personally." You communicate what you won’t do, but you are giving up in terms of what you’re willing to do. This is a great way to answer a request that you would like to satisfy only partially, without spending all your energy on it.
"I can't do this, but X will probably be interested."
Often times, people don't care who is helping them. Thus, you elegantly refuse and offer the person an alternative.
Once you learn to say no, you will find that your fear of disappointing or angering others is exaggerated. You will finally find time to relax and your own projects that have been postponed for so long.
Many people find it very difficult to refuse a request to relatives or friends, even if, by fulfilling the request, a person pushes his own plans and interests aside. Helpfulness is a wonderful trait, but how do you define the line between responsiveness and reliability? How to refuse correctly?
Why is it so hard to say no
The hardest thing is to refuse the closest people. It seems that our refusal will look rude, and the child or close relative will be offended and stop communicating. This fear pushes us to fulfill the request.
We are afraid to create conflict with our refusal. It seems to us that if he does not agree to fulfill the request, the person will be unpleasant and he will be angry. In the conditions of modern life, when stressful situations occur quite often, and the level of aggression in relationships is quite high, we strive by any means to avoid the development of conflict and do not defend our interests.
Another reason for reliability is the fear of being alone. This feeling drives us when we join the majority, when in fact we have a different opinion. We begin to doubt the correctness of our position and agree against our will.
Kindness can push us to agree to any request. This quality is highly appreciated and encouraged by others, and we ourselves begin to take pride in this trait of our character. However, this is what forces us to always enter the position of the asking, sympathize and fulfill the request.
We may be afraid of losing the opportunity in the future. It seems to us that if we refuse the request to the chief, then he will not go to meet us in the future. And if we do not agree to fulfill the desire of a friend, even for objective reasons, then we will not be able to count on help and support from his side in the future.
Another reason may be unwillingness to ruin relationships, even friendships. Some people perceive the refusal of a request as an absolute rejection and after that they stop all communication.
Reliability is bad!
To learn how to deal with reliability, you need to understand why you should not always fulfill the requests of others and what negative results this can lead to.
As psychologists note, trouble-free people are very often considered weak-willed. You must understand that by fulfilling any request you cannot win the respect and trust of others. And over time, relatives, friends, work colleagues will simply begin to use your gentleness and kindness.
To feel whole and free as a person, you need to maintain a balance. Mutual assistance and mutual assistance are necessary, but at the same time your interests and principles should not suffer. It is always necessary to analyze the situation, do not hesitate to ask for time to think about the request and make a decision.
Many of us do not want to struggle with internal problems. A common phrase: "Know how to say no!" familiar to everyone, but not everyone wants to learn it. When we say a refusal, we internally prepare for a negative reaction, so we often take the easy path and agree.
If you start to analyze your thoughts and behavior in such a situation, you will realize that before giving an answer, you did not think much about all the pros and cons. And only by agreeing, you can remember that you are breaking your plans that were important to you.
How to refuse correctly
The basic rules for competent refusal can be formulated as follows:
- refuse calmly;
- do not make excuses;
- behave confidently;
- suggest an alternative.
Don't let resentment, resentment, or aggression get the best of you during a conversation. Don't go on the defensive. Your no should be calm and friendly. You must understand that refusing does not mean ruining the relationship or quarreling. You are asked, so you have the right to both agree and refuse the request.
When you start making excuses, you give the beggar an opportunity to begin to persuade you and pressure you. You can always object to any of the most compelling arguments.
If you cannot do without explaining the reason, then tell the interlocutor that you are sorry, refer to circumstances beyond your control, for example, an earlier agreement that can no longer be changed. Needless to say, you are simply not in the mood or very tired. Just be confident in your decision so it doesn't sound like an excuse or an excuse.
In some cases, instead of explaining the reason for the refusal, it is better to offer an alternative solution to the problem, in which a friend or colleague can do without your help.
Be able to talk about how help does not meet your current needs and priorities. It's okay if you need to spend time solving your own problems.
Psychologists call a very effective phrase: "It seems to me that you have chosen not quite the right person." Refer to the fact that you simply do not have enough knowledge and experience to fulfill the request. It is better to say this directly than to reassure the interlocutor in vain. Finding an experienced professional will be the best option for your friend or acquaintance.
It is a good option to say bluntly that you cannot fulfill the request. We put barriers to ourselves that prevent us from speaking openly and honestly. Know that the asking person least of all wants to be deceived or in vain to be encouraged, he wants to know for sure whether you can help him or not.
How can you refuse
The main mistakes people make when they refuse are due to the fact that we want to be polite and tactful. But the effect is the opposite. Psychologists recommend that if you refuse, speak clearly and look at the interlocutor. If you look away and mumble something, you will get the impression that you simply neglected the request.
I do not know how to refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not offend the person end either with an offense or with the phrase "well, I'll see what can be done." The most extreme case - this is . I don't know if the deception is small, for good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
Constantly cheat - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and shut up.
How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm "no" to your relatives so that they do not get offended? How do you make it clear to your friends that you cannot help them at the moment?
In fact, there are a huge variety of options, we just do not know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.
By the phrase “this sounds very tempting” you let the person know that you are interested in his proposal. And the second part says that you would gladly participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
Nice refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will work once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them this way the third time, no one will offer you anything the fourth time. This is especially true for picnics and other entertainment events.
Remember one or two times - and then either change your circle of friends (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?
But for people you don't see so often, this answer is great.
I'm sorry, but the last time I did this and that, I got a bad experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better ?!”.
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers "I don't eat meat", "I have lactose intolerance" or "I don't like boiled vegetables" do not work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you may be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little sideways and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: "Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!"
I would love to, but ...
Another good way to refuse. You would love to help, but unfortunately you cannot at the moment. But in no case indulge in lengthy explanations why.
First, by starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to catch on to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".
To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro
This is by no means a translation of the arrows.
If you have been asked to do something or help with advice and you do not feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you not only do not offend the person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.
I cannot do this, but I will gladly help with ...
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - you still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't really know it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not suit her very well. This raises the dilemma "who is more friend" - the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all outfits ?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, in the end.
But who are we to be free to talk about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or switch the arrows to some celebrity from the world.
It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you back ...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you are not really in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interested you a little later.
Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word "yes", and then adding the notorious "but".
It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and on the person. It won't work for a long time, and sooner or later you will have to explain why "no" after all.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it’s not because you’re just lazy or you don’t want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you must you can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As well as you - someone else's.
Instructions
First, grasp one truth: you do not have to make excuses for your refusal, even if it is a refusal to a loved one. The more you helplessly make excuses, the more you risk ruining your relationship with the person. If you are so distressed, why then refuse? Such a discrepancy is incomprehensible to the person whom you refused, and offends him more than the very fact of the refusal. Give a reason only if it really exists and is serious.
Sometimes the most honest option is to say a straightforward "no", but it is better to do it in a gentle way. For example: "no, I cannot do this," "no, I prefer not to do this," "no, I have no free time right now." Perhaps the interlocutor will begin to provoke and persuade you, but you stand your ground, not getting involved in the discussion.
A milder form of refusal is to show participation and understanding of the interlocutor's problem. If a person presses on pity, you can calmly listen to him, sympathize and refuse. For example: “I understand that you are very tired, but I cannot fulfill your request”, “this is a really serious problem, but I cannot solve it”, “I understand how hard it is for you, but I cannot help in this situation ".
There is one trick called delayed rejection. It is suitable for those people who do not know how to refuse at all. She is also good to buy time and think a little, weigh the pros and cons. You just need to ask the person for some time to think. It can be expressed something like this: "I do not exactly remember all my plans for tomorrow", "I want to consult with ...", "I need to think", "I cannot say right away." If you are a trouble-free person, try to use this technique at all times.
There are situations in which you need to partially refuse. State your terms, what you agree to and what you don’t. This happens if you really want to help with something in a particular situation, but the person is asking too much. You can answer: "I am ready to help with ..., but not ...", "I will not be able to come every day, but I can do it on Thursday and Saturday", "I will give you a lift, but if you come without delay." If you do not agree to any of the conditions offered to you, but sincerely want to help the person, ask: "Maybe I can help in something else?"
Sometimes you really want to help, but you don't know how. In this case, try to search for options together with the person asking. Perhaps it will really be in your power to do something. You can also refuse and immediately offer help in finding a specialist who can definitely help in resolving this issue.
Many people suffer from not being able to say the word no. Despite the fact that it is quite logical from time to time to refuse help to people that you cannot provide, many, sacrificing their own interests, come to the rescue of others. Do you think this is correct? No matter how it is. Some people shamelessly take advantage of the courtesy of others and live happily at the expense of it. How to refuse a person without offending him?
Boost your self-esteem
A person must be a reasonable egoist. Your own interests should always be put above. Of course, if they do not prevent other people from living happily. More often than others, the question "how to refuse a person without offending him" is asked by persons with low self-esteem. Strong people who know what they want will never sacrifice their own interests to help others. For example, you can give to the poor only if your finances allow it. It is foolish to follow the lead of beggars who, instead of going to work, stand on the street and beg for money from passers-by. And this applies not only to poor people. Some people just don't want to waste their own energy and learn something new. It is easier for them to find a person who can sit on his neck and live with his mind. Don't fall for the bait of mercy. Learn to defend your interests. Selfishness is a good quality. You have only one life, and you will not have a second chance to live it happily. Therefore, never make empty promises. Think twice before agreeing to help someone to their detriment. A person who loves himself will not allow anyone to infringe on his interests.
Always prepare a reason
People whom you refuse to do something will not be offended if you tell them the real reason for the refusal and explain why you cannot fulfill their request. Don't make up false excuses. If you can't help a friend move because you bought a theater ticket, say so. You don't need to make excuses. Just note that you did not know anything about the move of an acquaintance, and the tickets were bought a month in advance. Thus, you will be able to maintain friendship, because the person will be able to enter your position. Do not think that someone you know will suggest that you are choosing entertainment over help. Tickets bought in advance are proof that you planned your leisure time and, since you had no other offers for this evening, decided to use your free time as you like.
How to refuse a person and not offend him? In no case, do not come up with stupid excuses, like the fact that your mom or boyfriend is sick. Lies will be easy to check, and the person you turned down for a stupid reason will be offended.
No need to make excuses
Don't want to do what you're asked to do? How to refuse a person without offending him? No need to make excuses. If you want to sit at home instead of going to a noisy party, say so. Each person has the right to their own opinion and to realize their desires. If you don't want to spend time with strangers and want to relax at home, there is nothing wrong with that. Be firm in your intentions and don't try to whitewash yourself. Your decision is your choice and it cannot be wrong. You should not lower your eyes to the floor and mumble that you have not been at home for a long time and at work have to contact people all the time. It will be stupid and ugly. Say no in a firm and confident voice. If you do not want to explain the reason for the refusal, do not do it. A simple answer, "No thanks, I don't want to" is enough. No one will insist that you do something that does not bring you pleasure. Especially if you have other plans for the evening. Even if this is a completely natural desire to lie down in the bath or watch your favorite TV show.
Talk about fear and perfectionism
What is the right way to refuse a person so as not to offend? Many people are afraid to help their friends if they are not sure that they can cope with the task at hand. For example, your friend asked you to replace him at a children's party. You have little experience of communicating with children and have no idea how to behave with them. Say that you do not want to spoil the reputation of your acquaintance, as you are completely incompetent in organizing children's parties. There is no shame in admitting your incompetence. It will be much worse if your fears become reality.
When you deny something to a person because you are sure that you will not cope perfectly with the task at hand, talk about your passion for perfectionism. This recognition will only raise your rating in the eyes of the person asking you, not lower it. The desire to do everything perfectly is very commendable. And the ability to soberly assess your abilities will help you avoid embarrassing situations.
Do not fall for the tricks of manipulators
Some persons are fluent in the art of manipulation. How to learn to refuse people without offending them? Try not to fall for the tricks of your cunning acquaintances. You found yourself in a situation when you refused something to a friend, and he, instead of taking it for granted, began to say that he did not expect a refusal from such a kind and sympathetic person. Anyone who just turned down will feel uncomfortable after such a reply. Always remember that some people will try to manipulate you. Say that you are a really helpful person, but only in those cases when you have the opportunity to help the person. If you have neither the will, nor the energy, nor the time, you do not need to reshape your schedule because of gross flattery. Being greedy for compliments is bad. Do not allow confusion in your soul because of the words of the interlocutor. If you said no once, repeat your answer in the same firm and confident tone as you gave the first refusal.
Request to borrow money
Many people find it uncomfortable to refuse requests that involve money. For this reason, all friends "ride" on many people who earn good money. They borrow money, and then either they do not give it back, or they give it back, but they drag on time very much. How to refuse a person and not offend him? Examples of phrases to help you say a strong no:
Refusals to lend are quite natural. If a person really needs money, he can go to the bank and take out a loan. Therefore, you should not feel guilty if you cannot sponsor your friend.
Refusal to a fan
It is difficult to refuse a person who has warm feelings for you. But it is even worse to give a person unrealizable hope. If you do not want to mock a person's feelings, you should immediately say "no". How to refuse a person without offending him? The rejection phrases that many girls use are terrible. Never say that a guy is kind, good and ... just unworthy of you. Such a refusal implies that the other chosen one is better than your current beau. This fact strongly affects men's self-esteem. Therefore, tell the person that you do not experience reciprocity, which means that nothing can be between you. Is it possible to take offense at such a phrase? No. How can you be offended that a person does not feel sympathy for you? The cavalier decides that the lady simply could not appreciate him, and will go to look for the one that will cope with this task.
Examples of
How to refuse a person without offending him via SMS? Don't use standard forms and don't write silly excuses. A short message should contain a succinct answer. It is advisable to keep within two phrases. In the first, you say that you refuse, and in the second, you clarify why. How to refuse a person and not offend him? Examples of SMS messages:
- Thanks for the offer, it's tempting. But I cannot accept it as I have other plans for this weekend.
- I'm sorry to tell you no, but last time I stretched, I hurt my leg badly, and I have no desire to repeat my negative experience.
- I do not understand the issue of choosing indoor plants and will not be able to go with you to the greenhouse. But I have a friend who can help you.
- I can’t help you with the move as I’m busy this weekend. But I can help you with interior design if you need help with this matter.