The man who fell out of love. What does it take to fall in love with a guy

Boys and girls experience a breakup equally painful, but the science of human emotions comes to the rescue. There are no ways to stop loving a person in psychology, and the methods are built on increasing self-esteem and distracting from sad thoughts. This will help to survive the first strongest impulse to return. Subsequent ones will be less noticeable, so it will be easy to overcome them.

The main reasons for the desire to get rid of feelings

Breaking up is a natural process in a relationship. The two were together, considering each other worthy partners, but over time, emotions cooled down, and shortcomings became apparent. Realizing the impossibility of continuing the relationship, they decide to break up. However, this rarely happens on a reciprocal basis. Someone from the couple either continues to idealize the partner, or is ready to put up with shortcomings. However, there are objective reasons for terminating communication.

I return to slightly denser psychological matters.

In last year's article about I already said that one of the main skills of a psychologist is the ability to doubt the "undoubted". For example, when a client is convinced that he does not exist in life and will no longer have any meaning. This destructive belief, no matter how real it may seem, is just a construct of the mind. Strong, solid doubt cuts the roots of destructive beliefs, freeing up space in the mind for alternative "slides" through which life is perceived.

In today's article I will reveal this practice a little deeper using the example of falling in love. I will tell you on what beliefs it is widely held, and in what directions to orient the mind in order to carefully examine your feelings.

I want to note right away that painful longing for a beloved is usually called the word “love”. I will say a little about the difference between and falling in love below. In the meantime, I’ll inform you in absentia that there is no need to get rid of love - this is a bright, not burdensome feeling inherent in a healthy relationship. Therefore, answering the question “how to fall out of love”, I will talk specifically about healing from falling in love - this is what leads to a state close to drug withdrawal.

Previously, I have not seen specific working methods of such healing anywhere. Almost all pop advice boils down to suggestions to get distracted and switch. Switching attention, we must pay tribute, works. But it is not easy to implement it, because the lover himself wants to be distracted, but he cannot - the obsession with his beloved absorbs so much that all other opportunities to occupy himself with at least something seem empty.

Everything is further complicated by such a feature of the mind, which prompts one to take the shaky content of one's own psyche for a taste of external reality. As long as falling in love is perceived as a problem from the objective world, it becomes impossible to look in the direction of its real ones. Therefore, they usually do not even admit that it is possible to directly influence their own feelings - they try to put pressure on their loved ones, “improve” themselves, or give up - they say, what to do if such an unfortunate fate remains silently suffering. Maybe it will go away on its own with time.

Over time, of course, the space of the mind is filled with additional meanings and love with torment gradually loses its strength. But such a switch to a normal existence can last for many months. And this will not be a cure for the disease, but only a lulling of its symptoms, which under certain circumstances can awaken with renewed vigor - and the languor will continue.

Psychotherapy initially relies on such a premise that they are amenable to research and correction. I mean, love can be treated. Of course, there are no guarantees here - this is not an exact science, but there is always a chance for success. Intentionally falling out of love with a person is quite realistic when you know how love works. It rests on the basis of self-deception, therefore, in order to stop loving, you don’t need to inspire yourself with some nasty things about your lover, it’s enough to get rid of lies.

Here I will talk about what I managed to dig up during my personal practice with clients. But I will speak confidently, because there are good practical indicators - lovers, truly interested in getting rid of their torment, following these recommendations, were healed.

Holy feelings of lovers

Beloved for a lover is a special, exceptional person. This irrational conviction leads the lover to believe that there is some special sacred connection between them, as if they were destined to be together as two halves.

Therefore, the lover amuses himself with an unfounded hope, bordering on the conviction that the beloved actually feels about the same thing, he just hasn’t understood it himself yet, and is capricious.

It seems to the lover that the joy of their “love” is so obvious, simple and beautiful that it becomes completely incomprehensible to him why the beloved still resists and does not love in return.

In periods when the lover believes that he is still mutually loved, it seems to him that he and his lover have already united somewhere on the subtle plane, and soon their merger will materialize.

Reveling in the joy of the upcoming rapprochement, the unrequited lover does not realize that this is supposedly a common space with his beloved - a swollen fantasy created by him from scratch, where no one else has access.

Doubts in these “sacred” hallucinations seem blasphemous at first, therefore it is sometimes difficult for a lover to even imagine that a lover is sincerely indifferent to him and, against the background of other people from his environment, may not be distinguished at all.

Unrequited lovers never like their own feelings. If love begins with happy hopes that excite the soul, then, as a rule, it continues with their opposite - unfortunate hopelessness. Approximately from this stage, the lover himself begins to doubt his feelings, every now and then thinking about how to stop loving a person, so that finally, having sobered up, return to common sense.

In the extreme stages, unrequited feelings are accompanied by horror (from the anticipation of an empty, meaningless future without a lover) and subsequent depression. As a result, life sags on all fronts, falls, and complexes and fears previously dormant in the depths of the soul are connected like an avalanche to love torments.

In articles I spend . I call love the calm acceptance of a real person, love - on the contrary, the unwillingness to put up with the realities and the fanatical striving for the desired fictional image.

The premise that the beloved is not a real person, but a mirage from one's own mind, is best taken into service immediately, at least as a theory. This is the first step that creates doubt in the swayed illusion.

All modern culture enthusiastically romanticizes falling in love, convincing the public that this is exactly how the main semantic outline of the life of a “normal” person should lie. In fact, falling in love is, in its essence, a real illness of the psyche, an obsession that obscures consciousness with obsessed conflicting emotions.

Of course, falling in love can motivate you to look into yourself, explore the causes of your experiences - and in this perspective it becomes a useful, soul-developing experience.

Falling in love is not some natural and obligatory state for a relationship. It is perfectly normal to love and accept a person next to you without zealous mental anguish. It is perfectly normal to enjoy other areas of life, devoting only some of your resources to relationships.

How to fall out of love?

When they deal with the problem of unrequited love, I observe approximately the same picture - people toil because of their own, on which this trouble rests.

I call the first support of love “the one and only” (in my whole life); the second - "without him there will be no happiness." That is, the beloved is perceived as the only - the first and last chance for happiness.

Pay attention to how destructive this bunch of beliefs is - it programs to perceive what is happening as if fate is being decided here and now - either you can get your happiness, or you will remain unhappy until the end of time.

And it all depends on the whim of one person. To lose this main source of joy and meaning means to remain unhappy forever. The lover is convinced of this.

And even when a lover reciprocates, the threat of becoming completely unhappy does not go anywhere, but is constantly phoning, because in principle there can be no one hundred percent guarantees in relationships - they tend to end someday for various reasons. Therefore, every gesture of the beloved is perceived exaggerated by the lover, as an indication of the forecast of the upcoming happiness or misfortune. There is no middle ground with such convictions.

Just in case, I repeat that the exclusivity of the beloved and the irrevocable end of happiness without his reciprocity is not at all the truth of the life of a lover, but only his irrational beliefs are false. They are destroyed when it turns out to doubt them.

Many people know from experience how deceptive feelings are. They fall in love not once, but many times - and invariably the object of love seems to be the real one, without which happiness cannot be seen. It is these false beliefs that must be questioned in order to stop loving and sober up. To do this, it is necessary, in all seriousness, to give yourself confident answers to the following questions: “why do I take this and decide that this person is the same one? What if it's not my only one, but someone else's? What if it is, in general, a stranger?

It is necessary to really think hard about this, to feel these options. Then the first strong wedge will be driven into the illusory construction of falling in love, splitting its structure.

Thus, life without a lover ceases to seem hopeless - the slide changes, and the understanding comes that the future is unknown to anyone, countless possibilities are always potentially hidden in it.

If you really want to believe in great "love", you can, as an option, seriously assume that the real one, with whom you have to live until the end of time, is still destined to meet.

Of course, the relationship does not end there. Nuances - the sea, just one article does not fit. You can read

Most relationships don't end by mutual agreement. Most often, the feelings of one of the partners cool off, while the feelings of the other are still strong. If you thought that your love would be eternal, but now you are suffering from a breakup, know that you are not alone. Everyone is unhappily in love at least once in their life. Everyone at least once asks himself: how to stop loving a person whom you love very much?

Living with grief from an unexpected breakup is difficult. But it's even harder to let go of past relationships and move on if you still love your ex. Happy memories and undyed feelings make you hope that someday the relationship will resume.

Why do people continue to love their former partners, even if this feeling hurts? Why is losing a relationship so difficult? Many want to let go of the past, but just don't know how to do it.

Dr. Randy Gunther has been a psychologist for forty years. She counseled people who were having relationship problems. One of the most frequent tragedies with which clients addressed her was non-reciprocal feelings.

In 2018, Dr. Gunter wrote an article for Psychology Today in which she summarized her professional experience and that of her patients. Dr. Gunther advises to rethink 5 things, how to stop loving a guy or a girl, survive a breakup and let go of the past.

Don't think your ex was "the one, the one" i

After a long search, do you believe that you have finally found a partner with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life? It seemed that you were perfect for each other, and you began to think that happily ever after with this person is not just a fantasy. Your partner has constantly assured you that he feels the same way.

Now, looking back, you wonder: were you as perfect in your partner's eyes as he was in yours? What did he really think about your relationship? Have you looked at the relationship too optimistically? Is it possible that there were problems that you did not pay attention to, considering them unimportant?

If you put all your strength into the relationship, gave your partner all the love that you were capable of, then you will inevitably be confused and crushed when the partner leaves you unexpectedly.

The partner will disappear, but your feelings for him will remain, which you so diligently nourished and nurtured. To make it easier to deal with them, it is enough to remind yourself of simple things.

People have several partners throughout their lives, and research shows that each partner we meet is more suitable for us than the previous one. Therefore, do not think that you have missed your destiny.

Your life is not a romantic story. Don't let the popular fairy tales of the only eternal love deprive you of the right to happiness. Even if you are in love right now and think that you do not need anyone else, remember: one day you will have other partners, and you will be happy with them. And firmly decide that you want to forget the ex, and not return him!

Don't build your life around relationships 2

Are you the kind of person who gives himself entirely to new relationships? When you fall in love, do you forget about daily activities, social connections, your dreams and career ambitions, focusing entirely on feelings for your partner?

Think about whether the relationship has overshadowed other equally important parts of your life? Have you been less social with family and friends since you got into a relationship? Have your friends told you that you disappear from their radar when you fall in love with each other: you don’t make appointments, don’t write or call? Perhaps you think that in a relationship a person can find everything they need, and interactions with other people are not so important when you have a partner?

How to stop loving a person if for a long time you thought that there is nothing more important than relationships? And if you have also built around a partner all your life, it will be very difficult for you to get rid of attachment after parting.

To make it easier to get over the breakup, try to restore lost social ties. Spend the weekend with friends, visit your parents. Make new friends if you can't make old contacts. Let other people into your life so you don't feel lonely.

When you start your next relationship, try not to lock yourself into it. One partner cannot physically give you as much communication and support as all your friends and family put together. Do not forget that there are many other important people in your life and in the life of your partner.

Keep in touch with them and encourage your partner in this. This will help maintain a stable emotional environment in a relationship and not become dependent on a lover or lover.

Analyze how your partner behaves with you 3

If one of your parents has suddenly appeared in your life, then disappeared without warning, in adulthood you may be unconsciously drawn to partners who behave in a similar way. If you are used to holding on to love for a person who is acting unfairly and irresponsibly towards you, you will most likely not be able to get out of an obsolete relationship when the time comes.

Remember: your loyalty has a price. Don't waste your mental energy on a partner who keeps on leaving you and coming back and fails to define the boundaries of your relationship and give you the confidence and security you deserve.

Do not look for excuses for your partner's behavior, do not try to blame yourself for the fact that he leaves again and again. Think about the fact that your relationship is not in order even in those moments when the partner is next to you. You can be happy together, but that doesn't change the fact that your partner doesn't care about your feelings the rest of the time.

Do not try to convince yourself that you are imagining a problem for yourself and that in fact everything is in order in your relationship. Your partner's departures cause you concern, and this is an adequate response to which you have the right.

If you're trying to let go of a past attachment, but can't stop waiting for your partner to come back, try seeking help from a psychologist. Or use the suggestions from our next article on how to get over your ex!

Remember that breaking up is not your fault or your fault. __8212

After a breakup, you may feel like the pain will never subside and you will never be able to love or trust anyone again. These are natural feelings, and it's normal to experience them for a while after a breakup. But your grief will be devastating and long lasting if you take all the blame for the relationship ending.

Don't Idealize Past Relationships 4

How to stop loving a person when you constantly think about the features of your partner that you liked? Remember the happy moments that you experienced together, and sort out the reasons why you valued this relationship and did not want to break it off.

The relationship ended, but your heart still holds admiration for your partner, shared memories and dreams of the future. Do you remember how happy you were in that relationship; remember that your partner made you feel needed and valued.

When you mourn a broken relationship, you may unconsciously idealize it. Force yourself to remember not only the good times, but also the bad moments between you and your ex. Remind yourself of the negative aspects of the relationship, the words that hurt you and the actions that hurt you.

It may seem petty or unworthy, and it may also be difficult for you to change the direction of your thoughts. But this approach will actually help you get over the breakup more easily.

You will be surprised when you realize how many unpleasant moments you can remember. People are not fully compatible, and between any partners there are misunderstandings, disagreements, quarrels.

It's hard not to idealize a past relationship if you were in love and happy with it. Remind yourself that you broke up with an ordinary person, and not with the love of your life and the only chance for happiness.

Don't try to think of your relationship with your partner as a romantic story with a sad ending. You may have had a special relationship, but remember that they will not be the last in your life: one day you will establish a strong unique connection with someone else, you will be happy and loved.

How to fall out of love with a person you love very much? People often say that time will help to survive non-reciprocity or a breakup. Less often - about the fact that close people who have remained in your life will save you from feelings of loneliness.

But hardly anyone will tell you that you can rethink and change your expectations from a romantic relationship. If you don't think of love as a magical adventure of a lifetime, a breakup won't be as devastating for you. And about how to understand that you have fallen out of love and there is no more attachment, read the article at the link.

Loving someone who doesn't reciprocate can affect self-esteem and self-confidence. There is no single correct and quick way that will tell you how to stop loving a person. Proven psychological tricks can help ease pain and speed up the healing of mental wounds.

The question of what constitutes love has troubled the minds of scientists for centuries. Love is not a mathematical equation, so it is impossible to clearly define what it is. Its three essential features are:

1. Trust, sincerity, understanding. Only true love allows partners to be what they are alone with themselves. This does not mean that you must approve every action of a loved one, but it is necessary to accept his shortcomings and weaknesses.
2. Desire and physical attraction. These factors are inherent in both love and falling in love. There can be no relationship between people if they are not physically attracted to each other (there are exceptions, but such couples, as a rule, quickly part).
3. Loyalty, devotion, the desire to share the future are the prerequisites for a strong relationship. A loving couple tries to keep the union, no matter what. Sooner or later, a thought will appear in my head: I can’t leave or stop loving this person. This will be true love.